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It would be nice

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  #1  
Old 01-06-2018, 03:59 PM
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Default It would be nice


If I could write poems
like the others do

Rhymin' infantile and schooled

Thesaurus words woven into the common

Love lorn and other Affaires 'de Heart
addressed
redressed
expressed ad infinitum


But that wouldn't be ME on the page

And it would no more show the truth
of my love
than a gutter dropped
used "French Love Letter"
could show yours

(I suspect)

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Old 01-07-2018, 06:35 AM
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I imagine this poem see-thru greased in french fry oil

i likes it
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Old 01-07-2018, 07:18 AM
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[QUOTE=Beesauce

french fry oil

[/QUOTE]


Perhaps this is what the beret wearin' boffers over in Eiffel land use for lube before goin' south.
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Old 01-07-2018, 08:51 AM
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I like it too. Very natural and plain. Like you’re just talking to someone, but better (does that make sense?)

I don’t think the ME adds anything a “me” would not get across.


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Old 01-07-2018, 12:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post

But that wouldn't be ME on the page

And it would no more show the truth
of my love
than a gutter dropped
used "French Love Letter"
could show yours

(I suspect)
Why not? Why wouldn’t it be you?
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Old 01-07-2018, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by pralina View Post
Why not? Why wouldn’t it be you?

Hmm, wondering if I should lead you into some of the more defining work I have sullied the page with.
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Old 01-07-2018, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Perhaps this is what the beret wearin' boffers over in Eiffel land use for lube before goin' south.

heard grape seeds the cheapest
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Old 01-09-2018, 12:57 AM
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Such delicate words and with gloves made from lace.
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Old 01-09-2018, 02:26 AM
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Originally Posted by sdenyer View Post
Such delicate words and with gloves made from lace.

Precisely my intent with this particular form.

Thank you.
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Old 01-09-2018, 04:11 PM
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After I check and constrain my paranoia (I rhyme a lot, and I might be termed "old school," so my egocentricism can make me see your opening lines as an attack on my style), I really like this.

It succinctly and smartly conveys a definite point of view.

Although like this, I am not so sure about the end:

You wrote:

And it would no more show the truth
of my love
than a gutter dropped
used "French Love Letter"
could show yours

I might amend that to write:

And it would no more show the truth
of my love
than a used "French love letter"
dropped in the gutter
could show yours
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Old 01-09-2018, 04:44 PM
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[QUOTE=DoggedDavid

You wrote:

And it would no more show the truth
of my love
than a gutter dropped
used "French Love Letter"
could show yours

I might amend that to write:

And it would no more show the truth
of my love
than a used "French love letter"
dropped in the gutter
could show yours[/QUOTE]


I understand what you are looking for with the amendment suggestion.
And, indeed, if I were the type to want a classical cast (to my work) I would have gone that way.

But that ain't me.

Also, if I was that other way, I would have gone with the proper "French Letter" rather than stickin' my "Love" into the middle of it.



Thanks for your considerations, D.D.
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