WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Writer's Beat Quarterly > Contest Central > Previous Contests


Contest Results | Opening Lines (April 2007)

 
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 05-07-2007, 08:21 AM
aprilrain's Avatar
aprilrain (Offline)
I need more minions
Loyal Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Deep South
Posts: 1,291
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default Contest Results | Opening Lines (April 2007)


Congratulations to gary_wagner for his winning entry in April's Fiction contest and for sweeping the competitions this time around. There was also a tie for third place.

It was fun for us to come up with an opening line and see where it went from there. Three of the lines were used twice, so there wasn't a clear winner for the author of the lines, but we may try again at a later date.

Final Scores:

gary_wagner: 18.4
Pro-Q: 16.9
Kravorkian: 16.8
_Zeb_: 16.8
Massoud: 16.7
Ennubi: 16.1
texmex1011: 14.9
Tau Worlock: 13.4

Originally Posted by BreezyWriter View Post
Member: texmex1011
Title: Tapping the Red
Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: There were point where I did not understand the words. (The drubs = Beat thoroughly and conclusively in a competition or fight.) And there were other points where I was confused as to who was speaking.
Score: 16.5/20
--------------------------
Member: Kravorkian
Title: Deceit
Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Black Widow comes to mind when I read this. Some of the phrasing seemed unreal in the context of the story.
Score: 17/20

Member: Ennubi
Title: Prompted
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression:8 /10
Comments: Good thing it was a dream. It did feel erratic and I was wondering what it was that I did not read. And yet that is often how dreams are seen. Nicely done.
Score: 14 /20
--------------------------
Member: _Zeb_
Title: Maxine
Mechanics: 5 /5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: It felt broken up. When it was written the woman it sounded out of sorts. Almost out of context.
Score: 17/20
---------------------
Member: Massoud
Title: In Search of Bread and Water
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3 /5
Overall Impression:8 /10
Comments: There were someinconsistencies as to the members.
Score: 14/20
--------------------------
Member: Pro-Q
Title: Unfaithful
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Nicely written. With just one small error
Score: 18/20
--------------------------
Member: gary_wagner
Title: Bad Date
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Like usual you showed us the side of you that really counts. Good writing.
Score: 19/20
--------------------------
Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Pink water
Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: The story showed how spoilt the girl was and how her actions got her in trouble. Most of the problems were in the fractured sentences and quite a few words were wrongly spelt.
Score: 13 /20

Originally Posted by Cordatus View Post
Member: texmex1011
Title: Tapping the Red

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: The general concept of the story is admirable, but the flow is hindered by unclear writing. I was particularly confused by the imprecise handling of the pronouns.

Score: 14/20

---

Member: Kravorkain
Title: Deceit

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: Nice idea. It felt a little rushed, but otherwise it's well written.

Score: 15/20

---

Member: ennubi
Title: Prompted

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: What a clever piece! I didn't identify with the story at all in the beginning, but nearing the end it made sense. The writing is amusing and the style is great.

Score: 17/20

---

Member: _zeb_
Title: Maxine

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: A good read. You need to fix a few grammatical errors here and there, but otherwise; the writing is wonderful.

Score: 18/20

---

Member: Massoud
Title: In Search of Bread and Water

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Fantastic! Loved this from beginning to end. Wonderful style, flow, and content.

Score: 19/20

---

Member: Pro-Q
Title: Unfaithful

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Impressive work, especially the portrayal of the main character's feelings. If I were you, I would work more on the descriptions.

Score: 16/20

---

Member: gary_wagner
Title: Ernie

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: The descriptions are very well-crafted and the progress of events is very good. But the style is different, not like your usual way of writing. However, my favourite part was the ending--great one.

Score: 17/20

---

Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Pink water

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: I liked the idea, quite interesting. However, there are plenty of misused words: homophones, which the spell checker did not catch, apparently. Try to re-edit the story; it will turn out very good.

Score: 13/20

---

Originally Posted by OnceUponATime View Post
My scores for Fiction / April:

1.
Member: TexMex1011
Title: Tapping the Red
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Total Score: 15/20
Comments: Good dialogue, nice tension here between the characters. A little POV wobble in the narrative in describing the thoughts of the secondary character, but overall a very nice use of the opening line.

2.
Member: Kravorkian
Title: Deceit
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Total Score: 18/20
Comments: Terrific story and a great job with the opening line. Loved this line in particular - "Julia was sitting at the kitchen table, a chrome 9mm nestled in one hand and a hot-boxed Marlboro in the other." Vivid dialogue, top-notch narrative style. The only nit I have is that the ending seems to repeat the first paragraph, I'm not sure if it was a cut-and-paste thing or if it was intentional. Other than that, what an awesome story!

3.
Member: Ennubi
Title: WC:998
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Total Score: 17/20
Comments: Hilarious! Not quite sure what the actual plot was, but a ton of laugh-out-loud funny lines throughout. Creative use of the opening line - had I entered this contest, I'd have picked the very same one with Ernie wearing the unzipped cocktail dress . Nice work, loved the last line.

4.
Member: _Zeb_
Title: Maxine
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Total Score: 18/20
Comments: Very nice writing, Zeb! Loved the imagery you conjured up and you drew me into the scene nicely, both with the setting description of the beach and the suspense building in regard to the dead girl on the beach. Or was she dead? The ending needs a little stronger resolution, and there's a few teeny punctuation errors here and there, but this is a great read overall. Keep writing!

5.
Member: Massoud
Title: In Search of Bread and Water
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Total Score: 16/20
Comments: Excellent characterization! I found myself wanting to know more about your interesting characters and their journey, as well as the causes of their misfortune. The ending left me a little confused and it seemed to me that this story could be a lot longer. Nicely done, only a few little mechanical writing nits to be found. If you ever expand on this, I'd definitely read on.

6.
Member: Pro-Q
Title: Unfaithful
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Total Score: 16/20
Comments: Nice use of the opening line and you've done a wonderful job showing your main character's emotion throughout the piece. The ending was a little predictable, but then again, I can't really see any other way of ending it unless Max shoots himself instead of his wife and her lover. Good work, do keep writing

7.
Member: Gary_Wagner
Title: Ernie - 998 Words
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Total Score: 18/20
Comments: Funny story and nice use of the opening line. Ernie as a female character was unexpected and quite un-feminine to boot. Didn't quite understand why Frank took her wallet, etc., but his character is also well done. Excellent writing as always.

8.
Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Pink Water
Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Total Score: 15/20
Comments: A few spelling/usage errors here and there, but this is a very interesting story. Liked how you used the opening line to create a sense of irony with Monalisa Good's demise. Nice writing; you defined Monalisa's character very well.

Well, there they are. Terrific entries this month, everyone!

Best,
Jillian

Originally Posted by aprilrain View Post
Member: texmex1011
Title: Tapping the Red
Mechanics: 3.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8.5/10
Comments: The dialogue here is your strongest asset. I sensed the desperation in both men, which made it very engaging. Watch the mechanics, though, and the punctuation inside and outside quotes, etc. This felt more like a segment of a larger story rather than a stand-alone tale.
Score: 16/20
--------------------------
Member: Kravorkian
Title: Deceit
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: I may be slow on the uptake today, but I was surprised by the ending. A great use of few words. I wonder if it would be even more powerful if you just end it after "You."
Score: 17/20
--------------------------------------
Member: Ennubi
Title: Prompted
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: It began humourously, but my attention began to wane when the action and introduction of characters became too chaotic and no longer made any sense. The explanation of it being a dream (and incorporating all the prompts) brought it together in the end, but I'm afraid not many people would get there.
Score: 15.5/20
--------------------------
Member: _Zeb_
Title: Maxine
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: This was very well written and kept my attention, but I have so many questions that I am left feeling unsatisfied: is Maxine the girl? The lead-in sentence followed by the description of the couple led me to believe that the woman was named Maxine. Did the woman see something or why did she run off the way she did? What's the significance of the scar? I enjoyed the spooky element to the story but wanted a little more.
Score: 16/20
---------------------
Member: Massoud
Title: In Search of Bread and Water
Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: The description of the characters sets this up for an interesting tale, but I wouldn't say this is a stand-alone story. Some of the phrasing really rolls off the tongue; you have a nice way with words.
Score: 16.5/20
--------------------------
Member: Pro-Q
Title: Unfaithful
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: A familiar scene, but this was nicely developed with the right amount of suspense to really capture the reader's attention. The repetition of the one line was effective, but there may have been a couple too many.
Score: 17.5/20
--------------------------
Member: gary_wagner
Title: Bad Date
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: I thought at first that you had ignored the pronoun in the first line, but by the end it all became clear that you had just taken a less conventional route. Funny and a pleasure to read.
Score: 19/20
--------------------------
Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Pink water
Mechanics: 2.5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: Good development of the opening line, but this could benefit from a thorough editing.
Score: 13/20

Originally Posted by cuteangel View Post
Member: texmex1011
Title: Tapping the Red

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: I wasnít too impressed by this. I didnít quite understand the story at the beginning, though it cleared up later. It didnít grab my attention, though. There are a few misplaced and missing commas and other punctuation. The ending was nice, if a bit expected.

Score: 13/20

----------------------------------

Member: Kravorkian
Title: Deceit

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: I really enjoyed reading this! It got a bit dry in the middle, but the end was so shocking, it made up for everything else. This was a good story from start to finish.

Score: 17/20

----------------------------------

Member: Ennubi
Title: Prompted

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: I liked the way you managed to weave in every line into the story, although it called for only one. The ĎOh, it was just a dreamí tagline might have been a bit over-used, but the story made up for it.

Score: 17/20

----------------------------------

Member: _zeb_
Title: Maxine

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: This was a good storyĖthe building suspense to the eventual climax had me on the edge of my seat. I didnít understand a few parts. The first line seemed to have no relevance to the rest of the story and the last part left me wanting more resolution. Other than that, it was good.

Score: 15/20

----------------------------------

Member: Massoud
Title: In Search of Bread and Water

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Excellent title! It was very relevant. Your style did not leave much to ask for. I especially liked the way the narrator described himself. Perfect. I just did not care for the way your piece ended on such an abrupt note. It would have been better if you had gone on and written more. Itís definitely got my attention.

Score: 18/20

----------------------------------

Member: Pro-Q
Title: Unfaithful

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: Well, the ending was a bit predictable the moment Max took out the gun, but this story still had my attention. I liked your use of repetition. It built up the suspense very well. You shouldnít have put in so many, though. Over-use cut down on some of its effect.

Score: 17/20

----------------------------------

Member: gary_wagner
Title: Ernie

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Another impressive story. I liked the unconventional use of the first line. Very appropriate. I enjoyed reading this a lot.

Score: 19/20

----------------------------------

Member: Tau Warlock
Title: Pink Water

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: This was a good story, really. The only problem was the amount of spelling mistakes. With some work on those, you will have a very interesting story on your hands.

Score: 13/20

----------------------------------

__________________
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle."
  #2  
Old 05-07-2007, 08:44 AM
gary_wagner
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Thanks again, judges. I appreciate the time and effort it takes to read each of these stories, evaluate, and rate them.
  #3  
Old 05-08-2007, 01:41 AM
Tau's Avatar
Tau (Offline)
Solemn Simulacrum
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Unknown, possibly nowhere.
Posts: 8,830
Thanks: 497
Thanks 682
Default

Congratulations gary_wagner on wining.

And yes I know I can’t spell, that was my third attempt (the first two times it fell apart on me) so I was a bit rushed to get it in on time.

Once again congratulations, and to all others better luck next time.

Sincerely Worlock
__________________
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
  #4  
Old 05-11-2007, 09:35 PM
Kravorkian's Avatar
Kravorkian (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Maine
Posts: 83
Thanks: 1
Thanks 2
Default

Wow, I've been so busy for the past month or so, I haven't had the time to come back and check this out. First off; congratulations Gary!

Also thanks to all that read and judged them. Without you, the contests just wouldn't happen now, would they? :-)

I always like to reply to any response to my writing, whether it be in a post or a contest, so here goes.

Cordatus - I agree that it felt rushed. I have a slight problem with keeping the length of my work below that which would deter many from reading it. This is one of the shortest works I've written, and to me it seemed odd to end so soon. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it though, as it posed quite a challenge for me, having to keep it fairly short.

OnceUponATime - The last paragraph was intentionally repeated as to mimic the actions of the main character. Readers are to assume she had done this many times over, and at the time I thought this would press that on. After thinking about it, I didn't quite like it, but could never get back to changing it before the contest ended. (Though it's changed in my files here, haha) Thank you for your kind comments. :-)

Aprilrain - Most all of my stories have a sudden and "surprise" ending...even to those that are familiar with my writing. I really couldn't end it at "You." though, because it would leave out the "woah" factor that I was going for at the end.

Thanks again to everyone else who read/judged.
 

  WritersBeat.com > Writer's Beat Quarterly > Contest Central > Previous Contests


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Contest Results | Epitaph (April 2007) aprilrain Poetry 9 05-10-2007 04:32 PM
Contest Results | Embarrassment (April 2007) aprilrain Previous Contests 3 05-07-2007 07:57 PM
Contest | Fiction | Opening Lines (April 2007) Icarus Previous Contests 8 04-24-2007 01:30 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 04:41 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.