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Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Excavate!

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  #1  
Old 01-31-2018, 05:27 PM
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When you’re shit outta luck—
It’s like falling,—falling forevermore;
Everybody flying around the muck;
Even that woman who died, the whore!
Or climbing up the stairs—
Up, up and away;
Citizens piling upon pairs;
So vaguely worse than Pompeii;
Climbing up, but for a truly long time.
And after that—no such luck
In need of a really godly rhyme!
Before all this, were we all stuck?
No kismet sunrise on the horizon;
A widower without his eldest son,
Just a filthy hungering sensation,
Rereading this within dictation—
Like your insides fared better off

If you weren’t alive after all.

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Old 02-01-2018, 08:36 AM
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Nice, except the line up up and away. That's a song from the 70s. I think the poem reads just as well without that line, but I guess you need a rhyme. I think the meter is funny, though, but I'm not sure, and the rhyme is forced at certain points, but maybe that is the point of the poem? I like some of the first and the last six lines - they seem a poem themselves! Like so, but you'd have to get rid of the rhyme:

When you’re shit outta luck—
It’s like falling,—falling forevermore;
Everybody flying around the muck;
Even that woman who died, the whore!
Or climbing up the stairs—
Citizens piling upon pairs;
So vaguely worse than Pompeii;
Climbing up, but for a truly long time.
No kismet sunrise on the horizon;
A widower without his eldest son,
Just a filthy hungering sensation,
Like your insides fared better off
If you weren’t alive after all.
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Old 02-01-2018, 07:31 PM
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thanks for reading. i like your version as well.
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