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The rude girl

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  #1  
Old 02-11-2018, 12:39 PM
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Default The rude girl


The pirate took a step back, flabbergasted. He looked around, unsure as to what he should do. The paradigm has shifted and his view of the world has been twisted. This has never happened before. Everyone was scared, they screamed and begged for their lives, and this girl here just stands there and she’s not afraid at all. He watched her for a few seconds and finally dropped the stick, turned around and walked away, slightly faster than before.

- Um… captain? – he hesitantly knocked on the door to the captain’s cabin and took two steps back. The captain didn’t like being disturbed and the pirate knew it all too well. He lifted his hand to touch the big red scar that was across his left cheek and tried to swallow but his mouth was dry. He coughed silently and knocked again.
- Captain, excuse me, sir, but the girl is being problematic, and I don’t want to overstep my rank by making decisions without running it by you first, captain, sir.

There was still no answer. The confused pirate carefully put his ear to the wooden door to check if the captain was inside. He could hear the creaking of the ship, waves crashing around it, some seagulls screaming in the distance, and other pirates talking under the deck. But no captain. He took a step back and as he was about to knock for the third time someone grabbed his arm.

- What do you think you’re doing? – asked the large man standing behind him as he squeezed his arm tighter in the enormous hand. – The captain will not be disturbed. Go back to work.
The giant freed his arm, on which the pirate still could see a clear imprint of his fingers. It’s going to bruise, he thought.

- But that’s exactly why I’m here, see… - he started to explain. – The girl I was supposed to deal with gives me a hard time. I’m not sure what I should be doing, to be honest. If I could only talk to the captain then maybe he…
He didn’t have the chance to finish when the same hand that had temporarily cut off the blood flow in his arm now was wrapped around his neck making it impossible for him to talk, or even breathe. He felt he was being lifted off the ground and his face started to change color to red.

- You pathetic excuse for a pirate, you can’t even deal with a girl? – the giant lifted him higher as if he was as light as a feather. – The captain will have you hanged for this – he grinned and dropped the little man on the floor right when the red hue started turning purple. – Take care of her or I will.

The giant kicked the lying man in the stomach and left. The pirate gasped for air and started coughing. He hated this job. As he was spitting on the floor that he knew he would have to mop afterwards, he wished he had become a lawyer, like his parents wanted him to. He cursed his rebellious teenage years silently and he picked himself up and went slowly to take care of the rude girl.

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Old 02-11-2018, 01:21 PM
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That's pretty good.
It has inception, arc and resolution.
All the while it stays tight.

Yeah, I like it.
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Old 02-11-2018, 01:45 PM
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Thank! I guess it was due.
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Old 02-11-2018, 05:07 PM
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I do have a question: What's up with the stick?
Punishment aboard ships usually involved flogging with a length of line.

And if you said he dropped the whip rather than dropped the stick ... well I say there is some subtle power being presented there.
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Old 02-11-2018, 05:22 PM
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I’d like to see you try this with an active rather than a passive voice. The verbs “is” and “was” are passive (there are others).

Here’s an article parsing it out.

http://www.fiction-writers-mentor.com/passive-voice/

Passive voice can sometimes be good, but here I think it detracts.

Otherwise, I like where it’s going.


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Old 02-12-2018, 12:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
I do have a question: What's up with the stick?
Punishment aboard ships usually involved flogging with a length of line.

And if you said he dropped the whip rather than dropped the stick ... well I say there is some subtle power being presented there.
They are experiencing budgetary issues. It’s sticks or nothing.

And I’ll definitely look into my passive voice problem. I’m really trying to quit, it’s just so hard...
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Old 02-12-2018, 02:33 AM
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[QUOTE=pralina

And I’ll definitely look into my passive voice problem. I’m really trying to quit, it’s just so hard...

[/QUOTE]


I suspect subtlety here.
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Old 02-12-2018, 02:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
I suspect subtlety here.
Who, me? Never.
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  #9  
Old 02-12-2018, 03:28 AM
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Originally Posted by pralina View Post
Who, me? Never.

Fine. Now I can go off to work with a smile.
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  #10  
Old 02-12-2018, 07:23 AM
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I like the story and I agree with Brian about the using a more active voice and cutting back on the verb 'to be'. I felt a fair amount of 'telling' in this piece.
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