Ok, so I recently created a website for a tv show I made up. It is a mystery show about an LDS missionary who feels compelled to solve a big mystery (don't wanna give the mystery away as it is a surprise) while continuing to serve his mission and is continually asked by others for his help (mystery of the week). Think of it as sort of like Veronica Mars. Anyway, here is the opening scene of the first episode. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Episode 1: "The Day The Quad Stood Still"
Written by: Roy Mendez
INT- JOSEPH'S APARTMENT - MORNING
The camera fades in to reveal a nicely decorated apartment. The walls are white, with no stains. There is a dark blue carpet covering the floor of the living room, which has two tan couches. The camera reveals the rest of the apartment as Joseph's voiceover starts.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: Karma is a funny thing. The bad guys go off committing their evil deeds and the good guys, that's me, are left to sit back and watch it bite them in the behind. How do I know? Well, it's a long story.
The kitchen is revealed. It is a bit small, with a stove, refrigerator, and dishwasher as far as appliances go. The camera spins around slowly to reveal a few pots and pans, along with dish plates on the counter.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: I guess I should start with introducing myself. Joseph Ramirez. That's my name. I'm nineteen, a fan of tennis, and I love Chinese food. If that's not enough for you, I'm also a missionary for the Mormon church. I recently completed my first of two years serving. I'm stationed in Jackson, Mississippi. What a roller coaster ride of a year it was.
The dining area is shown next. There is a single table with only two chairs. In the center of the table is a fruit basket, containing apples, oranges, and bananas.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: It all started out when I left behind my friends and family in Bakersfield, CA to start my mission in Provo, UT off at the Missionary Training Center, or MTC for short. On my first day, I learned about a missionary who had gone missing. Then a few weeks later, another one disappeared. Our President of the MTC said that they left willingly. My roommate and companion at the MTC, Barry Wells, felt differently.
The camera slowly passes up the table and starts to show the hallway of the apartment. The walls are white, just like the living room, and there are a few pictures hung up, but the camera doesn't give a clear view of them. The camera slowly descends down the hallway.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: That's where things really started to get crazy. Barry was certain that the boys had been kidnapped, or worse. So we started an investigation. We didn't get very far. It seemed like there wasn't much to find. Still, Barry and I grew close during that time. Eventually, we were sent off here to Jackson. Barry and I were assigned new, experienced companions.
The camera turns right and enters one of the doors leading out of the hallway. The room entered is soon revealed to be the bathroom. It is small, with only a toilet, shower, and mirror. Nothing too fancy.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: Four months passed without incident. Then, one morning we were called to the church. Barry was gone. He had left nothing more than a note, saying he couldn't complete his mission and that he was sorry. I knew he didn't write the note. So I reopened the investigation with the help of my new companion, John Kretchmoore.
The camera backtracks out of the bathroom, and heads to the door opposite the bathroom. Inside, it is revealed to be a bedroom. It is small, with a bed covered by white sheets, a dresser, a laundry basket beside the bed, and a desk & chair. Everything is very tidy.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: After months of searching, I found out the truth. The person I had placed so much trust in, John, was the one behind it all. He'd kidnapped the two missionaries from the MTC as part of a revenge plan. Barry was getting too close to finding him, so John, who was actually named Adam Rivers, kidnapped him too.
The camera backs out of the room and starts to descend further down the hallway. There isn't much farther to go.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: It all came down to a standoff between Adam and I. When he realized I had found the truth, he planned to kill me. I was able to escape and surprisingly, I found Barry. He was tied up and disoriented. We got away, and Adam Rivers was placed into a mental institution for his psychopathic personality disorder.
The camera descends into the only door at the end of the hallway. The view is straight ahead from the door. The camera enters the room. From what can be seen, there is a similar layout. The bed with white sheets can be seen, a laundry basket beside it. The camera gets all the way back to the end of it's straight view and turns revealing a window. The camera stops and shows outside of the window. There are a few men outside, missionaries dressed in normal attire; jeans and t-shirt.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: To this day no one knows where the two missionaries who were kidnapped from the MTC are, or if they were even alive at the time I found Barry. Adam never told the police and Barry didn't know. We still don't even know why Adam kept Barry alive during all that time. Two months after the day Adam was arrested, a statue in the two boys' honor was placed at the recently opened Brigham Young University-Mississippi college campus directly across from the future MTC.
The camera turns away and completes its 360 degrees. A dresser comes into view, but beside the dresser is a desk, just like in the other room. This desk however, has someone sitting in the chair, back faced to the camera. All that can be seen is that the person is male, wearing jeans and a light blue polo. The man has light brown hair.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: It's been three months since the memorial service. So much has changed since then. Several of my fellow missionaries see me as some sort of hero. Since solving the missing missionaries case, I've had multiple people coming to me with different problems. Some were accused of graffiti in town, another was accused of stealing from the church. Although reluctant, I helped prove the innocence of these missionaries and found the real culprits. I had gotten a little good at solving mysteries.
The camera spins to reveal the person's face. It's our protagonist, Joseph Ramirez. He has light blue eyes, and his hair goes just past his eyebrows on his forehead. He is writing something on a piece of paper. Then, he drops the pen he was writing with on the paper and looks to his side, his expression unreadable.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: But today isn't about mystery solving. Today is my preparation day. The one day a week I have to myself. I'm planning to do some laundry, exercise, and catch up on sleep. Nice, normal day. I've grown to appreciate the simple days that some people might find boring. I've had enough adventure for a lifetime.
He spins the chair around and fixates his eyes on the laundry basket beside his bed. It is overflowing. Joseph stares at it, and sighs.
EXT - APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING
Cut to a few minutes later. Joseph is walking down the stairs of his apartment. His face shifts, as if he's realized something.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: Where is Charlie? I haven't seen him since I woke up.
He has reached the bottom of the stops and starts to walk down a wide hallway. There isn't much to see. There are a few flowerbeds that he passes, but nothing else other than the doors of the other apartments.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: I know that Charlie is new, but where would he go on his first preparation day, without telling me?
Joseph stops as he realizes that he's at his destination. He enters a small room, which doesn't appear to be an apartment room.
INT- LAUNDRY ROOM - MORNING
Inside, three other men can be seen standing beside the washing machines and dryers, ten of each, which line up along the walls.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: The laundry room, this room was added to the apartment complex a few months back, made especially for us missionaries.
HANK: [offscreen] Hello Elder Ramirez.
Joseph turns and sees a man whom he clearly recognizes sitting at a desk. Joseph starts to walk towards the desk.
JOSEPH: Hey Hank.
Joseph reaches the desk and Hank hands him a pen. The camera shows a close up of the paper on the desk. "Sign In Sheet" is written in bold at the top of the paper. Joseph's hand slides down the page until he finds the last name, and writes his own underneath it. Hank smiles at him, and Joseph, laundry basket in hand, walks towards the counter for folding clothes. Just as he reaches it, he bumps into another missionary. He is a little bit shorter than Joseph, with blonde hair and green eyes. He has his name tag on, which reads "Elder B.Daniels." He is carrying a laundry basket, which seems to have two sets of clothes stuffed into it.
JOSEPH: I'm sorry.
ELDER DANIELS: It's ok. Don't worry about it.
The missionary smiles and walks away. Joseph watches him leave. Cut to later. Joseph is standing in front of a dryer, waiting for it to finish. There is only one other missionary besides himself left in the room. Hank is gone as well. He looks back at the dryer. Two minutes is shown to be counting down. A voice is suddenly heard behind him.
FRANK: [offscreen] Excuse me?
Joseph turns around to see another missionary whom he also clearly recognizes. The young man's name tag reads "Elder F.Miles"
JOSEPH: Hi Frank.
FRANK: Hi Joseph. Umm, I heard you were like a detective or something?
Joseph looks a little shocked. This is surprising news to him.
JOSEPH: Well, not really. I mean, I've helped some people here before but I'm not an actual detective.
FRANK: But you found out what happened to those missionaries that went missing last year, before I came here right? And last month you helped Elder Gibson prove that he didn't rob that woman?
JOSEPH: Well, yeah. But those we're really just me getting lucky. I don't solve cases professionally.
FRANK: You think, maybe you could help me?
FRANK: My ring, I lost it.
Joseph gives him a look. He's not enjoying being put on the spot.
JOSEPH: I don't know Frank. I don't really do that kind of stuff anymore.
FRANK: Please? If I don't find that ring, my dad will disown me as soon as I get back from my mission.
Frank looks at Joseph with desperation. Joseph is left speechless, and sighs. He looks down.
JOSEPH VOICEOVER: So much for it being a mystery free day.
So, thats the opening of the first episode. If you liked it or it piqued your interest, please check out my site at:
The full episode is there. Please leave comments here and on my site to let me know what I can do to improve my work. I'm here to learn. Thanks everyone!