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Wrinkles

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Old 08-17-2018, 08:31 AM
Vince (Offline)
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Default Wrinkles


Kim looked in the mirror and thought, Is that a wrinkle? I’m too young for a wrinkle. She frowned and thought, Doing this might cause wrinkles.


“Oh well, I don’t mind getting a wrinkle as long as I had an experience to get it.” She said out loud.


“Who are you talking to?” said James from the living room.


“Just talking to the mirror.” replied Kim. “I was thinking about wrinkles and wondering if I had any.”


“Doesn’t matter, Does it?” asked James.


“Well, it made me think of my Aunt Marge.” said Kim as she entered the room.


“Your Aunt Marge, why?”


“She is covered with wrinkles. So I guess seeing one on my face, well you know.”


“Most people her age have wrinkles, so why her?”


“She is my God Mother and we were close when I was a kid. I guess as I have some nice memories of those times and of her. She always made me feel special.”


“What ever happened to her?” James asked looking up from his phone.


“Nothing I think. Its just - you know – we just haven’t been in contact.”


“We’ve been very busy with work and school. There hasn’t been much time for anything especially old aunts.”


“Oh and don’t forget my Uncle John. He is kind of a nut but I like him very much . I wonder what they are up to lately. I know they like to go to concerts and they still work out at the gym.”


“The gym! How old are they?”


She is seventy and he is seventy three. They have had some medical problems but they swear by the gym. They claim that it keeps them active.”


“Good for them. If it works for them that’s great.”


“We should go see them.”


“Why, we don’t have anything in common.”


“I don’t know but it seems important. It’s like I need to …. I don’t know connect with them. It sort of connects my childhood to who I am now. I need to make sense of that and it feels like when they are gone that chance will be gone to.”


“I don’t get it.”


“Humor me.”


Kim picked up her phone.

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  #2  
Old 08-17-2018, 10:09 PM
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The night is quiet. Like a camp before battle. The city beset by a thing unknown and will it come from forest or sea? The murengers have walled the pale, the gates are shut, but lo the thing's inside and can you guess his shape? Where he's kept or what's the counter of his face? Is he a weaver, bloody shuttle shot through a time warp, a carder of souls from the world's nap? Or a hunter with hounds or do bone horses draw his dead cart through the streets and does he call his trade to each? Dear friend he is not to be dwelt upon for it is by just such wise that he's invited in.



I feel the language is too formal in places. Examples being:

“We’ve been very busy with work and school. There hasn’t been much time for anything especially old aunts.”

“Oh and don’t forget my Uncle John. He is kind of a nut but I like him very much . I wonder what they are up to lately. I know they like to go to concerts and they still work out at the gym.”


The lack of contractions makes me cringe a little but truthfully that might well be colloquial and so feel free to ignore it but it does sound unnatural. Theres a few punctuation issues but nothing really serious:

“Why, we don’t have anything in common.” Should have a question mark somewhere in there.
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Last edited by bluewpc; 08-17-2018 at 10:13 PM..
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Old 08-19-2018, 12:50 PM
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Agree with Blue, the conversation is stilted and seems like an outline if where you want it to go as opposed to what they would really say.

I think theres a story in here, but there's an utter lack of subtext. I hate saying show don't tell, but this is one of those times when it needs to be said.

Youre just telling us each bit, her fear of aging and losing loved ones. There's a way to convey this without just outright saying, hey I got a wrinkle, I wanna touch base with relatives before I die.

I recommend centering the POV in her head, and then spend some time getting inside of her thoughts. What is it about aging and death that leads her to want to connect? Maybe her wrinkle reminds her of her aunt, and she wonders how they are, how its been awhile... Etc. Give us a story we can contemplate, not a direct come to grips dialogue.

Thanks for the read
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