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Patriot Action

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  #1  
Old 08-31-2011, 11:58 AM
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Default Patriot Action


My grandfather died fighting the French. His father also.

My father was killed going against the American Advisors.

Now here I lay on my empty belly in a shallow shoulder to toe trench. The jungle floor carpet, leaves in various stage of decay, cover me. A ragged edge woven reed hat with dawn cut vines tucked on completes this hide.

The bugs have started biting. I ain't movin'. My bladder is full to bursting. Now it is draining. I am motionless.

The buzzing, calling, screaming animal voice that is constant begins to slow and break up.

They are coming.

These ones are new. Their noise discipline is lax. I hear them whispering to each other long before the first one passes.

The point man missed me. Good. Now wait.

Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, ... patience ... here he is, number Seven. The rear guard. But he is looking forward.

His clothes are new. Humid damp and sagging, yes, but untorn. Unfaded. Boot soles are thick. I see this as he slow walks past my eyes.

Now I wait 9 heartbeats. The patrol squad will turn the trail bend. This will leave my target and me alone for a moment.

I will need only half of that moment to do what I must.

As the fourth generation fighting for my country's freedom the path is clear.

Conscience calm.

Silently I rise in defense of our homeland.


Last edited by Nick Pierce; 08-31-2011 at 03:53 PM..
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  #2  
Old 08-31-2011, 11:37 PM
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You have a great way with words - is this part of a larger story? (I remember reading another short story about a soldier of yours). It'd be great to read the entire story.
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  #3  
Old 09-01-2011, 09:31 AM
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Very strong, lots of intimate detail, can smell the mud from this unique 'worm's eye' viewpoint. Off to slam my fingers in the lid of the piano (left hand complement to you Mr Pierce)
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  #4  
Old 09-01-2011, 12:20 PM
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Firstly, I love the reversal of typical narrator in this (snippet?) short piece. I'm assuming you're talking about Vietnam or at least Indochina, and it works very well - it's not overstated or exaggerated. It's actually very reminiscent of the same story from a Western perspective, which is quite powerful stylistically as it implies natural equivalence without any kind of drama - the lack of drama which is my favourite part of this.

Excellent write.
-Alex.
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  #5  
Old 09-01-2011, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by ThePublishr View Post
You have a great way with words - is this part of a larger story? (I remember reading another short story about a soldier of yours). It'd be great to read the entire story.
I just write, man. No big plan.
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  #6  
Old 09-01-2011, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Antonym View Post
I'm assuming you're talking about Vietnam
Story starts in 1941. Grandfather's father was with Ho's initial crew.
Grandfather went down in 1954 at the Dien Bien Phu hullabaloo.
Father, early '60s.
The action happens just after the mid sixties.

So yeah, The Nam.
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Old 09-01-2011, 05:00 PM
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This made me uncomfortable, raised hard questions. Good job.
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  #8  
Old 09-01-2011, 09:45 PM
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Effective way of expressing nationalism with patriotism.
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  #9  
Old 09-02-2011, 03:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Hilee Coco View Post
This made me uncomfortable, raised hard questions. Good job.
You asked about the 'point position' at another thread. Didn't see that answered there.
It is here.
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  #10  
Old 09-03-2011, 01:05 AM
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Mr. Pierce, the magical word wizard.
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  #11  
Old 09-03-2011, 01:51 AM
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Originally Posted by RabbitInTheSuit View Post
Mr. Pierce, the magical word wizard.
Welcome back, Rabbit.
Hope you are faring well in the lists of life.
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Old 09-03-2011, 11:46 AM
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Very very interesting concept and the description was divine, I enjoyed it very much and would definitely read more.
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  #13  
Old 09-05-2011, 04:55 AM
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Well this is powerful stuff.

I liked these two lines in particular:

"The bugs have started biting. I ain't movin'. My bladder is full to bursting. Now it is draining. I am motionless."

There's a lot of poetry in the prose here.

" A ragged edge woven reed hat"

I like the visual this brings and the way the words come off the tongue.

Thanks for the read.
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  #14  
Old 09-26-2012, 11:31 AM
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Silently I rise in defense of our homeland.
This last line is like a rapier. A very powerful piece Nick and something in there made me think of Wilfred Owen.

Thanks.
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  #15  
Old 09-26-2012, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Crump View Post
This last line is like a rapier. A very powerful piece Nick and something in there made me think of Wilfred Owen.

Thanks.
Thanks for the steer to W.O.
I've been through his bio and read "Anthem For Doomed Youth".
I see the association with "P.A."
Will delve deeper.

Regards,
Nick
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  #16  
Old 12-12-2012, 01:30 PM
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The images are cinematic; the rotting leaves arouse one sense, then the man hears the passing patrol, sees the new clothing of the rear guard, and feels his own situation. You didn't miss anything, and the narration coming from a patriot doing what he can for his country, our adversary about to attack American soldiers heightens the immediacy of the scene. He does what he has to do, as did his people.

One reader wonders if this came from a longer piece, and I understand that view. After I read it a few times more, I now think the piece is complete unto itself, and is more than worthy of publication, should you want to go that way. Maybe this could be a scene from a collection of scenes, not necessarily from the same narrator, but from varied patriots. I can also see a narration from one of the passing soldiers, using the senses as you did here, only from their point of view. Enough...I say it is very well done and should be read. In this instance my criticism of your format doesn't have an aging leg to stand on. It was so smooth I hardly noticed. Thanks for leading me into the Advanced Search.

Al
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  #17  
Old 12-12-2012, 03:16 PM
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Hail satan.

Nice piece. Love a good war story.

--old dog

Last edited by old dog; 12-12-2012 at 03:50 PM..
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  #18  
Old 12-17-2012, 06:24 AM
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Nice job! I think it would be great to expand this to a large/grand piece
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Old 12-17-2012, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by antmanix View Post
Nice job! I think it would be great to expand this to a large/grand piece
Have at it, mate.
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  #20  
Old 12-19-2012, 12:05 AM
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How do you master horrorcomdey modvintage heartbreak warfare so perfectly on a writing forum's target audience's post? I love YOU
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  #21  
Old 12-20-2012, 02:32 AM
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Originally Posted by maidahl View Post
How do you master horrorcomdey modvintage heartbreak warfare so perfectly on a writing forum's target audience's post?
Assuming this is a question I answer that this piece (and a few others) wrote itself. I was used to hold the pen. The viewpoint expressed in it wanted to be viewed (I suppose).

No 'master' ing involved. When it was done it felt as if a deep, long releasing sigh had occurred.

I think I am not alone in experiencing such events when opening up to the Muse.

Thank you for the chance to express how Patriot Action came into being.

your humble bard,
Pierce
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  #22  
Old 12-20-2012, 04:57 AM
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Hi new to the forum and just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed the piece. keep it up!!
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  #23  
Old 12-20-2012, 06:00 AM
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Can I ask what you enjoyed and why, Pat?
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Old 12-20-2012, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by luckyme View Post
Can I ask what you enjoyed and why, Pat?
Hi, I really liked the way it flowed and transported the reader back to the time. A very well written descriptive piece overall.
I hope that answers your questions.

Thanks
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:12 AM
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Disturbing, thought provoking, overall a good read. Thanks for sharing.
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  #26  
Old 12-21-2012, 01:26 AM
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Hello Nick,

Just a couple of lines to let you know how much I enjoyed this. It was typical of your great works. By the time it got to the end, I was holding my breath. The whole time reading, you put me in that trench with you, but that last line...the imagination lets loose. Emotional kickbacks of all sorts. This is Acadamy Award stuff.

There seem to be a lot of new people here reading this. I hope they can learn something from your unique style of writing. Always descriptive, always personalized and your POV is beyond compare. Makes me wonder what it would be like to know you personally and sit down over a cup or glass and have a conversation; a peek into your creative mind. Seasons Greetings to you and yours and Blessings forever.

Always,
Gritsy
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  #27  
Old 12-22-2012, 12:15 PM
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@Nick Pierce: Merry Christmas. Happiness. You make me shyly happy. Happy happy happ yay yay yummy

hope your 4:15 is less gloomy than Kent, Ukland
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  #28  
Old 12-22-2012, 07:16 PM
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Hi~

This has the making of an intense drama. I like how it is written in first person. I do that also before I change it. It helps me get into the character. I can't wait to see the revision.
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Old 12-22-2012, 07:36 PM
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Very nice job building drama, setting a context, and putting us firmly in the shoes of the protagonist with meticulous, but meaningful details. With very few words, you bring us into the trench with the protag. Nice work.

The only critique I have would be this sentence:
The jungle floor carpet, leaves in various stage of decay, cover me.

I'd perhaps put the hanging end of the sentence together somehow with a little more fluidity.

Otherwise, the story pops. Nice work.
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  #30  
Old 12-23-2012, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Allen Holmes View Post
I can't wait to see the revision.
Huh?
What was written that indicates there will be a 'revision'?
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