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Crimson Tide

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Old 11-27-2006, 01:15 AM
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Default Crimson Tide

Love is lost
tears have dried
washed away
on a crimson tide

A raging sea
beheld by lust
now a desert
of barren trust

A lonely island
a fragile shore
the remnants of
a love no more

An iceberg in
an ocean cold
a frozen trace
of a lie untold

A shipwreck on
the ocean floor
this sea of lies
it sails no more

As the piercing sun
attempts to hide
it shines upon
the crimson tide

Nikki Read

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Old 11-27-2006, 12:16 PM
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I really enjoyed this poem. Some may same the phrase is clique, but the way you built up to the explaination and the images used make it very original in my opinion. I think the format you used really framed the poem into a interesting picture.
"A wise man will hear, and will increase learning..." Proverbs 1:5
"If all you remember, remember this: perfection runs far from the veins of humanity" me
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Old 11-27-2006, 12:50 PM
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The concepts you have written about are deeper than I think this style of poetry, so quickly rhymed and metered, allows the reader to feel. It might slow it down if you just deleted some of the returns - Kit


Love is lost, tears have dried,
washed away on a crimson tide.

A raging sea beheld by lust,
now a desert of barren trust.

If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.

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Old 11-27-2006, 04:50 PM
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Bianca Cerio (Offline)
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I loved this. I honestly think it's wonderful to find someone who can write at such a fast pace but still be able to captivate me into putting myself into the words. Good job.
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Old 11-28-2006, 04:14 AM
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Well done, good rhythm and keeping the theme and metaphors consistent, it is nice to read something that is not wandering all over the place. Sad relationships have to "sink" to such levels, but oft they do. Much enjoyed your Crimson Tide. poetnurse
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Old 11-28-2006, 09:07 AM
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The imagery, flow, rhyme...perfect and unforced. A new way of looking at it. This is one of those poems that doesn't need fixing! I love it when that happens. Simply gorgeous.
More than one,
less than none,

Gain some time,
but lose the rhyme,
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Old 11-28-2006, 12:33 PM
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I just want to reiterate kit's sentiments about line breaks.

They have to make an impact unless it's a form of a syllabic nature. The line ending must be strong to make the piece strong.

Changing this into a poem of half it's line length as kit showed you will really bring it up. It's good but the line breaks need changing for it to be better than that.
A Girl in Winter.
His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here."
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Old 11-28-2006, 04:55 PM
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Very good

some of the words didn't quite hit home though.

I love the style
I guess I would like it if some of the last words
in the lines were more severe, dramatic
because that is where the beat is falling

imo you want to nail the reader with an intense word
and then rest

very good overall structure to it though, good rhythm
great ideas, great subject
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