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Happy Hunter adventures

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  #1  
Old 11-14-2012, 06:24 PM
tahdas
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Default Happy Hunter adventures


Ok i just wrote this and wanted to post it, i havent edited it yet but i will later. This is still the rough draft. Please give me your opinion if you read this.
Here goes:
The Chocolate Bane drifted through space; it was carrying cargo to a nearby planet. The Chocolate Bane was in the possession of an adventurer named Happy Hunter and a reptilian creature named Dino.
Dino was about the size of a small velociraptor, his scales were a dark tan with green stripes near the top. Although he was not a humanoid he got along fine in a humanoid world, in fact he even piloted the ship! They had customized the control room so that it was comfortable for him. Instead of a pilot's seat there was a bicycle seat and to large pedals on the floor, the wheel and control panel or dashboard slid forward and locked in so Dino’s small arms could reach it.
All of a sudden another ship sped up behind them, way over the speed limit up. It was a small attack ship with the words Dark Suns written on it.
“Aw great! Some dumbass who thinks he a badass just waiting for someone to give him a ticket.” grumbled Dino.
Without a warning the attack ship opened fire. This outburst took our reptilian friend completely by surprise, he tried to swerve out of the line of fire, but was not altogether successful. Happy Hunter was awoken from his dream about unicorns, pixies, and leprechauns having an epic battle over a rainbow, started run quickly down that led to the control room. Happy Hunter had almost shoulder length brown hair. He was wearing his usual clothing a white button down short sleeved shirt, with a light tan jacket full over but not buttoned. He put on his gun bullet and pulled his bullet belt over his, then he walked into control room.
“What the heck was that?” he demanded loudly.
“Someone’s practicing target shooting” Even in high stress situations Dino could always come up with a humorous reply.
“Are we damaged badly?” Happy fell backward and smacked into the wall.
“Yup, appears so let out the smoke screen so we might be able to crash land and not explode in midair.”
“Where are we going down?” questioned HH ignoring Dino’s remark, he pressed a button letting out gas so the attacker couldn’t see to shoot at them.
“We might be able to make it to that planet” pointing at a screen a similar to an GPS .
“What level?”
“3”Answered Dino glumly
The levels Happy referred to were a way of classifying what “age” it was in 7 was current times. A ships could not land on a planet below level 5 unless it was an absolute emergency. The A.P. (Allegiance of planets) had made up this way of classifying and protecting “young” planets, if the A.P.’s rule were broken you’d be lucky to be able to say “bob's your uncle” before you were silenced permanently.
With this in mind Dino aimed for a forest near a small town. Happy Hunter went to the weapons closet. He took his ray gun out and put it in his holster, he took a shotgun and slung it over his shoulder, then he took his sword in its sheath and attached it to his bullet belt. He look longingly at the machine guns.
“Just the essentials no Advanced Assault Rifles, no laser snipers or any of that” Warned Dino “I’ll take my Classic Sniper”
They started to come through the atmosphere.
“Goodbye civilization,” Whimpered Dino.
They hit the ground. About five minute passed before Happy pointed out they were not dead. HH opened the door and walked out Dino followed him. They had landed in a dense forest, nothing but trees and leaves were visible.
“Location, location! We’re stuck out here with little food or water, no transport and we don’t know where the nearest village is! Couldn't have picked a better spot!” Exclaimed the very unhappy Hunter
“Maybe they could give us a ride!” pointing behind. Looking Happy saw an airship flying low, maybe to pick them up. Happy had heard of airships before, he had toured one before at The Steampunk Museum of History, but he had never really seen one in action.
“Lets steal their ship!” Suggested the now very Happy Hunter
“Brilliant! First thing make friends with the natives!” Exclaimed Dino with a hint of sarcasm!
The airship landed right in front of them. A large door folded down and a group of seven got out, and pointed guns at them. Their weapons were cowboy weapons.
A person who appeared to be the leader started to talk “Hello Alien! Welcome to nova! You give us your spaceship and-”
“Drop your weapons now or i’ll drop you all with a single shot.” cut in Happy briskly fingering his raygun. Immediately all the men dropped their weapons.
DIno went inside the airship and located the prisons cells. The unimpressive seven were then locked up in the cells.
Happy Hunter and Dino then went to the top deck to figure out how work the ship. It was controlled by a steam engine that let hot air into three tubes. Two of the tube went to propellers and the other went to the large balloon that lifted the ship.
The two partners in crime shoveled coal into the engine. And they were off!


After they had gotten high into the clouds the captives were let out and Happy asked them some questions about them and their planet.
As it turned out the men they had captured were small time pirates trying get a breakthrough in the business by capturing aliens and using the ET’s technologically advanced weapons they would obliterate any rivalry opposition. With further interrogation into the planet history and government type, Dino wrote this in his journal/autobiography:
In spite of my incredible aviationary skills, we have been shot destroyed another ship yet another ship (The 7th during our partnership). This time our maroon may be more permanent were forced the land on a level 4 planet after being shot at by a ship called the Dark sun. After crashing, Happy immediately to would ingratiate himself by stealing a rudimentary air traveling vehicle called an air ship.
From the incompetent members of the le pet en colère (a name meaning the angry fart, i doubt the person that name the ship knew that!) i managed to learn some things about this planets geography and government system(s).
This planet is not just average “crash land planet” (trust my thanks to Happy's life choices i’m an expert!) but has a singular type of terrain, this “tera” has floating mountains! and not just a small cluster but large deposits all over!
Because of this they’re way of travel is mostly aerial; they ride pegasi, move large groups in pegasus pulled air balloons, steam propelled balloons ranging from small ones with one one balloon and a small engine too large titanics with as many as 20 balloons these are usually for aircraft carriers.
The planet anarchist. There are lots of pirates, some of the rich ones start empire. Happy hope to start a gang of pirates and maybe start an empire too. I must be off, we are near a small city and hope to land.

****
About three years later.
Happy and Dino had by now built a small fleet of 8 airships. They were currently working as privateteirs. Their current job was to protect a train from raidings and attacks. The train was going over a long bridge between two (floating) mountains. When the got to the train Happy looked at the roof of all the cars with a telescope.
“we’ve got red on that car there” Captain Hunter pointed to a car which was near the front and was already on the bridge, 10 people were on the roof. “I’ll take 5 of you, Dino shoot out the zip line 2 cars behind”
The airship flew about 500 feet away from the train, this meant that all of them could at once leaving a 10 foot gap. The ship was there fastest and easily matched the trains speed. Dino fired the grapple, it attached to the train. Happy grabbed a (rollything) and rolled off. The other five followed every 100 feet. Happy Hunter was about to land on the train, when he suddenly found himself /backwards, he let go of his roller and started to climb up the rope, he managed to grab onto the dart that was hold the line and pull himself up. He stood up and looked for the raiders, there were none to be seen. All of a sudden a person in a black trench coat landed right in front of him, this figure pulled out a machine pistol (ilegal on level 4 planets), and opened fire. Happy stepped to one side and drew his dual dao swords and he blocked the bullets
1..2..3 magazine was empty happy lunged and knocked the gun out of this assassins hand. The trenched assassin leaped over Happy and drew his black tactical sword, lunged and with quick intricate maneuvers knocked both swords out of Happy hands and land him on his back then this cloaked enigma leaped of the train. As if that wasn't enough the train exploded

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  #2  
Old 11-15-2012, 09:15 AM
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I just skimmed through it, but I think you could really benefit from learning the well-known writing motifi "Show, don't tell'. Basically, things like:

The Chocolate Bane drifted through space; it was carrying cargo to a nearby planet.
Could maybe be expanded on and described so that the reader gets a feel for what the ship looked like, how it sounds, any smells, etc.

It will help you a lot, I think.
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  #3  
Old 11-15-2012, 09:21 AM
tahdas
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Originally Posted by Cuchulain View Post
I just skimmed through it, but I think you could really benefit from learning the well-known writing motifi "Show, don't tell'. Basically, things like:



Could maybe be expanded on and described so that the reader gets a feel for what the ship looked like, how it sounds, any smells, etc.

It will help you a lot, I think.
That's one of my problems I'm terrible at descriptions.
Thanks I'll try and work on that,
Tahdas
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  #4  
Old 11-15-2012, 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by tahdas View Post
They hit the ground. About five minute passed before Happy pointed out they were not dead. very clever but not well executed. the idea of this epic crash that they survived and had to ask themselves if they were alive? Brilliant! but you need to bring it to life! narrate that! there's so many possibilities. HH opened the door and walked out Dino followed him. They had landed in a dense forest, nothing but trees and leaves were visible.
“Location, location! We’re stuck out here with little food or water, no transport and we don’t know where the nearest village is! Couldn't have picked a better spot!” Exclaimed the very unhappy Hunter. period there. and i would double space between paragraphs.
“Maybe they could give us a ride!” pointing behind. Looking Happy saw an airship flying low, maybe to pick them up. Happy had heard of airships before, he had toured one before at The Steampunk Museum of History, but he had never really seen one in action. steam punk? I'm not familiar.
“Lets steal their ship!” Suggested the now very Happy Hunter
“Brilliant! First thing make friends with the natives!” Exclaimed Dino with a hint of sarcasm!
The airship landed right in front of them. A large door folded down and a group of seven got out, and pointed guns at them. Their weapons were cowboy weapons. don't say cowboy weapons. it's too vauge. descibe them, revolvers, rifles, ect.
A person who appeared to be the leader started to talk “Hello Alien! Welcome to nova! You give us your spaceship and-”
“Drop your weapons now or i’ll drop you all with a single shot.” cut in Happy briskly fingering his raygun. Immediately all the men dropped their weapons.
DIno went inside the airship and located the prisons cells. The unimpressive seven were then locked up in the cells. it's never good when a ship has prison cells in it.
Happy Hunter and Dino then went to the top deck to figure out how work the ship. It was controlled by a steam engine that let hot air into three tubes. Two of the tube went to propellers and the other went to the large balloon that lifted the ship.
The two partners in crime shoveled coal into the engine. And they were off!
who's driving?

After they had gotten high into the clouds the captives were let out and Happy asked them some questions about them and their planet.
As it turned out the men they had captured were small time pirates trying get a breakthrough in the business by capturing aliens and using the ET’s technologically advanced weapons they would obliterate any rivalry opposition. solid plan. a lot of ET's come through here? With further interrogation into the planet history and government type, Dino wrote this in his journal/autobiography:
In spite of my incredible aviationary skills, we have been shot destroyed another ship yet another ship (The 7th during our partnership). that sentence makes no sense bro. This time our maroon may be more permanent were forced the land on a level 4 planet after being shot at by a ship called the Dark sun. should have mentioned the name of the ship earlier. After crashing, Happy immediately to would ingratiate himself by stealing a rudimentary air traveling vehicle called an air ship.
From the incompetent members of the le pet en colère (a name meaning the angry fart, i doubt the person that name the ship knew that!) i managed to learn some things about this planets geography and government system(s).
This planet is not just an average “crash land planet” (trust my thanks to Happy's life choices i’m an expert!) but has a singular type of terrain, this “tera” has floating mountains! and not just a small cluster but large deposits all over!
Because of this they’re way of travel is mostly aerial; they ride pegasi, move large groups in pegasus pulled air balloons, steam propelled balloons ranging from small ones with one one balloon and a small engine too large titanics with as many as 20 balloons these are usually for aircraft carriers.
The planet anarchist. the planet is in anarchy maybe? that's not very easy to understand. There are lots of pirates, some of the rich ones start empires. Happy hopes to start a gang of pirates and maybe start an empire too. I must be off, we are near a small city and hope to land.

****
About three years later.
Happy and Dino had by now built a small fleet of 8 airships. They were currently working as privateteirs. Their current job was to protect a train from raidings and attacks. very cool. The train was going over a long bridge between two (floating) mountains. When the got to the train Happy looked at the roof of all the cars with a telescope.
i read this before. good to see that you've added to it.

I've also been to your blog. you got a link to that? I don't have it anymore.

I'll say this about the story. it's imaginative. you've got a lot of heart and imagination.

But there are a lot of grammer mistakes and a lot of mistakes where your sentences are hard to understand.

I don't really care though because it was a fun read and those things will iron themselves out the more you write, so be sure to write A LOT. you got the gift.

the thing that I recommend the most is to always have three key pieces of the story telling puzzle figure out before you start a story.

1. Plot- give your characters a goal that they're trying to accomplish.

2. Develope and complicate the plot- give them something that goes wrong, or give them a bigger problem that results from accomplishing their task.

3. climax. always end big and dramatic, and not just action wise, make your characters learn and important lesson or have to sacrifice something for the greater good.

can't wait to read the next on man, keep it coming.

and if you're looking for more comments on your work, check out #WriterNation .

These guys are commited to helping you as a writer if you do the same for them.

http://talesoftheawesomeverse.blogsp...blog-page.html

peace man.
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Old 11-15-2012, 09:20 PM
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Well tahdahs,

SF is all about concept, description and, of course, plot. I wish I could get to the meat ot your story which was elusive. There was a no there there. It was also tall and fancyful, may truer tales be more tasteful? Blind modeling of the former story may lead to a more fruitful and profitable arrangement of the yarn.

I hope that HH continues to dream of his unicorn, Pinkepinke. Maybe he'll see her one day.

Jim

Last edited by LaughinJim; 11-15-2012 at 09:25 PM..
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Old 11-16-2012, 01:37 PM
tahdas
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Thanks guys I'm going to rewrite this with your advice in mind!
Rooster my blog is happyhuntersraygun@blogspot.com I don't update often at all though. I'd be happy to join your league of writers as long as I don't have to read stuff with lot of laugage and adult content.
Thanks again guys!
Tahdas
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Old 11-16-2012, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by tahdas View Post
Thanks guys I'm going to rewrite this with your advice in mind!
Rooster my blog is happyhuntersraygun@blogspot.com I don't update often at all though. I'd be happy to join your league of writers as long as I don't have to read stuff with lot of laugage and adult content.
Thanks again guys!
Tahdas

Darn it, that leaves me out.

I respect your decision though. I think you'd be fine with the content on Jaja's blog and Abdula posts right here on writers beat. here's a link to his work ...

http://www.writersbeat.com/showthrea...aftertime+part

He's got a blog too. Jaja's work is here.

http://kindfeelings.com/

they'd return the favor for ya.
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New Rule Guys!!! I can no longer remember all the names of people who commented on my work.
So if you got a piece out, private message me so I won't forget to give you a return critic.
I really wanna return the favor, and I feel like I'm forgetting people ...
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Old 11-17-2012, 05:52 PM
tahdas
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Ok could you have them emailor pm me when the write something new?
And steampunk is a little hard to explain so I would suggest looking on wiki and google images.
Also what do you guys think of me changing Dino in to a reptilian humanoid similar to lizard from spiderman?

Thanks guys!
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Old 11-17-2012, 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by tahdas View Post
Ok could you have them emailor pm me when the write something new?
And steampunk is a little hard to explain so I would suggest looking on wiki and google images.
Also what do you guys think of me changing Dino in to a reptilian humanoid similar to lizard from spiderman?

Thanks guys!
cool man, I sent them messages so hopefully they get to you soon about that. But you can get to their work by clicking the links above. you don't need an invitation or anything, you don't need to sign up anywhere, it's all very unofficial and chill.

And the answer is no, keep him as a dinosaur. how awesome was the new spiderman movie though?
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New Rule Guys!!! I can no longer remember all the names of people who commented on my work.
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I really wanna return the favor, and I feel like I'm forgetting people ...
Check out my blog:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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  #10  
Old 11-18-2012, 04:23 PM
tahdas
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The spider man movie was pretty good, better than the first one from 10 years ago. I think the avengers was better!
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