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Hyolin (Work In Progress)

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  #1  
Old 09-08-2018, 11:40 AM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Default Hyolin (Work In Progress)


Lock the door woman
I am a lonely man from England waiting for days
you’d touch my private temple where are you?

You’re far from my lips
I’ve seen you many times in dreams, the kind where love soars better than man and woman before The kind where I see passion like no other! Where we all fall in love with ourselves for coke-bottle bodies and celestial flesh dangling with deities above.

I see in another light, the place of Homoloo and Bisexual Lane, Straight Lanes! Where do we see love now?
We see it with eyes open! We see it with eyes open to god and his words of liberation!

I am a black man with many things to say! How dare I
open chamber doors to life and the matter of you being
beautiful Hyolin, apple of my eye!

You’re a delight on this earth of cruelty and sinful manner
You’re gyrating light, celestial in ways I cannot describe.

And in which you are so amazingly talented in your heart
And wherever there is passion there is love and love wins every-time
where we will never know anything more what is presented
in front of us in highest sense.

Where we are loved, we are appreciated in the order
of organs, justice, for someone like you to enter
the soul is a campaign in the long run
On the contrary there was a time where couples
dig into their hearts and to places where lovers cover
themselves with glee in spirit of sultry exoplanets, in regards
to this affair, love was a battle to get to Ladystreet, what a
sight to her elongating of arms with foritiude and with lust.

Hyolin I love you, East Asian goddess


Last edited by Yonathan1; 09-08-2018 at 11:42 AM..
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  #2  
Old 09-08-2018, 11:56 AM
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Chinspinner (Offline)
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Hello, welcome

Lock the door woman
I am a lonely man from England waiting for days (waiting for days- ugly structure)
you’d touch my private temple where are you? (ok, fine in context, but i flinch at the word England)

You’re far from my lips
I’ve seen you many times in dreams, the kind where love soars better than man and woman before The kind where I see passion like no other! Where we all fall in love with ourselves for coke-bottle bodies and celestial flesh dangling with deities above.
(was coke a thing then? Otherwise, ugh I hate the sentiment, but I like the content)

I see in another light, the place of Homoloo and Bisexual Lane, Straight Lanes! Where do we see love now?
We see it with eyes open! We see it with eyes open to god and his words of liberation!

I am a black man with many things to say! How dare I
open chamber doors to life and the matter of you being
beautiful Hyolin, apple of my eye! (That black man needs to remember who said judge people on the content of their character?)

You’re a delight on this earth of cruelty and sinful manner
You’re gyrating light, celestial in ways I cannot describe (yes, very nice)

And in which you are so amazingly talented in your heart (struggling)
And wherever there is passion there is love and love wins every-time (sort of, but trying)
where we will never know anything more what is presented
in front of us in highest sense (no, that stanza is try-hard and does not work)

Where we are loved, we are appreciated in the order
of organs, justice, for someone like you to enter
the soul is a campaign in the long run
On the contrary there was a time where couples ( you lose rhythm here)
dig into their hearts and to places where lovers cover
themselves with glee in spirit of sultry exoplanets, in regards
to this affair, (too wordy) love was a battle to get to Ladystreet, what a
sight to her elongating of arms with foritiude and with lust

Hyolin I love you, East Asian goddess

Ok, my first and second points are these:-

1) You are angry.
2) you use ten words when two would do.

My third point is, I like a lot of this, you have a natural rhythm and a good word choice, and emotions are important in creating poetry, but yours are at 110%

Last edited by Chinspinner; 09-08-2018 at 12:02 PM..
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Old 09-08-2018, 12:57 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Yeah I am a little bit furious but I have a lot of emotion bursting through me and I need to let my ex-girlfriend now that I love her.
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