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whishes

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  #1  
Old 09-07-2018, 04:20 PM
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Nacia (Online)
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Default whishes


life is a symbol
to dismantle
and put together
again and
time without it
is cool
but judging by
the number
of fools
it is best to leave it
to consume
enough rules
to make it a tool
and
to work it
is just
another bard
wishing it was not
hard.

__________________
a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind

Last edited by Nacia; 09-08-2018 at 01:43 PM..
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  #2  
Old 09-07-2018, 04:27 PM
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Why is each line so short, Nacia?

life is a symbol to dismantle
and put together again and
time without it is cool but
judging by the number of fools
it is best to leave it to consume
enough rules to make it a tool
to work hard is just another bard
wishing it was not hard.

Ok, now for comments: -

life is a symbol to dismantle (like it)
and put together again (slightly dismantles your last point) and
time without it is cool (bad use of a colloquialism, devalues the poem) but
judging by the number of fools (the people who work for a living- you need to be clearer)
it is best to leave it (who, what, where?) to consume
enough rules to make it a tool
to work hard is just another bard (I get these penultimate two sentences, but they feel a little lightweight- I dunno, they are not quite there)
wishing it was not hard. (which works in the right context).
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