Hi Tom! A sad song, certainly, but not out of keeping, considering that many people get sad around Christmas. Like Winterbite, I think that the tenses are a little off. I'll point out a few other places.
First, a little review of past vs. past participle (a.k.a. past perfect).
tense means that the event happened before now. Easy!
to the store."
means that the event happened in the past, but specifically before another event in the past. So it's even more past than the other.
"I had gone
to the store before he told me we were out of milk.
Let's look at a timeline. The line in the middle is NOW.
Yesterday I went to the store.
Then he told me we were out of milk.
"I had gone
to the store [A]
before he told me we were out of milk [ B]
Sometimes we use past participle without saying what it came before. It's understood that the event happened before something else and both events are done. But be careful! Just by using past participle, you conjure up another past event that came after!
In your song you switch back and forth between past and past participle, and I can't tell whether you're talking about two events or only one.
Originally Posted by Tom
Two years from this date, (This sounds like future tense)
A day I’d rather forget, (This tells me the "two years" thing is past.)
But as the snow bleeds,
And you leave, (this is present, so the other is leaving now?)
I remember Christmas Eve,
The words we exchanged, (past)
The time we had once spent, (past participle. Is this a separate event?)
Were crushed by your shadow,
As the messages were sent,
You see what I mean. It might be best to stick with two tenses: present tense for the sad Christmas scenes and simple past for the memory of the other leaving. You could leave the participle out entirely.
I really like the chorus, it's got some great images! If you clear up the tenses in the rest of it the message will get through more easily. Thanks for posting!