WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry > Lyrics

Lyrics Put the writing to the "beat"!


Just for me.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 12-16-2008, 05:26 AM
Tom's Avatar
Tom (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Manchester.
Posts: 46
Thanks: 1
Thanks 5
Default Just for me.


Just a little something to do with christmas. Pretty depressing I know, but I decided to play with the idea and it worked out okay.


Just for me.

Two years from this date,
A day Id rather forget,
But as the snow bleeds,
And you leave,
I remember Christmas Eve,

The words we exchanged,
The time we had once spent,
Were crushed by your shadow,
As the messages were sent,

The truth hurts,
So why didnt you lie,
Ruining a will,
At the worst possible time,

CHORUS:
For under my Christmas tree,
Memories are entangled,
Decorations are strangled,
As under my Christmas tree,
Reminded Im alone again,
For the presents are just for me.

Each year on this day,
I watch my spirits reflect,
Until the mirror cracks,
I step back,
Remembering the past,

Sat beside a burning flame,
As heated conversation persists,
Whod have known hours before?
We had sat there and kissed,

The truth hurts,
So why didnt you lie,
For now I wait,
For the season to pass by,

CHORUS

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-16-2008, 06:58 AM
Winterbite's Avatar
Winterbite (Offline)
Don't Panic
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: A State of Denial
Posts: 5,716
Thanks: 74
Thanks 324
Default

Reminded me a little bit of Replica, by Sonata Arctica. Overall, I liked the song, and think it'd go pretty well to a tune. This is all I found wrong with it:

Originally Posted by Tom
We had sat there and kissed
You should probably take the "had" out.

Nice, warmly melancholy kind of piece!
__________________
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools speak because they have to say something." - Plato
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-16-2008, 07:01 AM
Tom's Avatar
Tom (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Manchester.
Posts: 46
Thanks: 1
Thanks 5
Default

Thanks Winter

I'll edit it now, thanks for the spot.

Tom
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-25-2008, 12:12 PM
HoiLei's Avatar
HoiLei (Offline)
Draw, o coward!
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: "In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina..."
Posts: 4,797
Thanks: 183
Thanks 484
Default

Hi Tom! A sad song, certainly, but not out of keeping, considering that many people get sad around Christmas. Like Winterbite, I think that the tenses are a little off. I'll point out a few other places.

First, a little review of past vs. past participle (a.k.a. past perfect).

Simple past tense means that the event happened before now. Easy!

"I went to the store."

Past participle means that the event happened in the past, but specifically before another event in the past. So it's even more past than the other.

"I had gone to the store before he told me we were out of milk.

Let's look at a timeline. The line in the middle is NOW.


_______A_________B___________|_____________________________

A: Yesterday I went to the store.
B: Then he told me we were out of milk.

"I had gone to the store [A] before he told me we were out of milk [ B].

Sometimes we use past participle without saying what it came before. It's understood that the event happened before something else and both events are done. But be careful! Just by using past participle, you conjure up another past event that came after!

In your song you switch back and forth between past and past participle, and I can't tell whether you're talking about two events or only one.

Originally Posted by Tom View Post
Two years from this date, (This sounds like future tense)
A day Id rather forget, (This tells me the "two years" thing is past.)
But as the snow bleeds,
And you leave, (this is present, so the other is leaving now?)
I remember Christmas Eve,

The words we exchanged, (past)
The time we had once spent, (past participle. Is this a separate event?)
Were crushed by your shadow,
As the messages were sent,
You see what I mean. It might be best to stick with two tenses: present tense for the sad Christmas scenes and simple past for the memory of the other leaving. You could leave the participle out entirely.

I really like the chorus, it's got some great images! If you clear up the tenses in the rest of it the message will get through more easily. Thanks for posting!
HoiLei
__________________
"I just saved 100% on my car insurance by switching to walking!"
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry > Lyrics


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:11 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.