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Anatomy of a Rumor Chapter One Re-edited

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Old 03-24-2009, 08:33 PM
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Default Anatomy of a Rumor Chapter One Re-edited


This is the first chapter of my current project Amanda's Lament: The Anatomy of a Rumor. I just need you to be honest and hopefully tell me what I'm doing wrong with this...

Chapter 1 –

The New Girl


Amanda Nash

Present Day

Alessa Hill High School, Southern California

I looked around for a moment in my locker. I had to find my history report. Great. This was really great. I kept saying to myself as I searched my locker for it. It was due today and I couldn’t find it. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down as I thought of a way to explain my missing report to Mr. Connie, my history teacher. I smiled at how ironic this was. I was always organized although today was an exception. I was going to be late for class yet again. I tried to focus on something else before my hands turned to flames, literally. I looked up at the mirror in my locker and there she was. I then turned to look at her. She turned and smiled at me. I felt my heart race a bit. My stomach fluttered a little. It felt odd, but somewhat exciting and new. It was like a new high without the drugs that cause it. She waved, with that cute smile and said, “Hi.”

My heart beat rapidly increased a little, but I kept it to myself. “Hi,” I automatically said without notice of the act. She winked at me before she closed her locker, went down the hall and out of sight. She was obviously new. She had to have been other wise I would know her. I caught a glimpse of her shirt and didn’t understand it. It was a rainbow design. It was a plain design, but somehow I didn’t really care about it. What I really wanted was to feel this way all the time. I wanted to see her again. It felt wrong, but for some reason it felt right. But did that make me weird?

I decided not to think about it. I got up and started to search for my missing paper. I then decided to forget it and to turn it in later. I then soon started to head off to class. I took my normal seat next to my friend Josie Harris.

“Hey Mandy, how was your summer?”

“It was interesting,” I said not really wanting to go into details. I then noticed something missing. “Where’s Marshall?”

“Don’t know, hope he’s still alive.” I gave her a look and she simply shrugged before she added, “Just kidding, I’m sure he’s still alive.”

“I hope so,” I whispered back. “I mean after what happened. I doubt I’d be able to live through that.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, he’s usually very brave and strong.”

I decided not to push the subject, because I hoped deep down that Josie was right.

“Amanda Nash?”

“Here,” I answered the teacher as usual. I had a lot of classes this semester.I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive this. I had to get them finished before this year, so I could get fewer classes in my last year of school. I looked down at my classes and just sighed as I read it. I had American History, English, study hall, break before math and science then lunch and finally art class, which I didn’t want to take in the first place, but figured it best to do so. I wanted to get through my second to last year of school with all A’s or at least a great grade point average to get at least a scholarship. That was at least my plan for what I wanted to do for this year and hopefully take it easy next year when I graduate. I had become more disorganized as the day went. I lost my math homework and well it just went downhill from there.

“It’s not that interesting Amanda,” said Ms. Thompson as she handed me my romantic short story. “I mean it seems like you didn’t even try to put some effort in it. It’s not one of your best works.”

“Why isn’t it interesting?” I asked surprised.

“Your characters are two dimensional and there’s not a lot of emotion. It’s too simple and it’s honestly there’s not even a description of how they felt. It’s just too straightforward. Two people meet and fall in love without showing us how they feel about the other. We, as readers, want images as a guide to what we’re reading, not some short story of how they liked each other and that’s it. I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’ll do better next time.”

I was never good at writing stories, so that didn’t bother me at all. I just had to get through the day without any further problems and that would be it. I hoped anyway, I got up as the bell rang and went with the rest out the door. It was break when I met up with Lucas, my boyfriend or as my on and off boyfriend. I called him that because he didn’t really spend time with me, but when he did it was great; in my mind it was though it wasn’t that exciting. Lucas and I walked across the somewhat full cafeteria. Some people greeted us as normal. It was a normal day as usual. I put on a smile as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

“Hey Amanda,” greeted Susan James as she walked passed me with her friend Emily Parker.

“Hi Susan,” I said as I followed Lucas to the usual table at the back. Josie and Jessica sat there as we entered the scene.

“Hey Mandy,” called Jess as we walked closer.

“Mandy, how are you?” Josie asked with a sly smile.

“I’m good,” I answered with my happy face glowing. “So how are you guys?”

“I’ve been better, so how was San Fran?” Jessica asked me with her curious look. She was much curvier than me in many ways. I wanted to know her secrets. I knew her since I was eight and she was about ten. We spent most of the time talking about boys or silly stuff like that.

“It was good, it was actually better than good. It was pretty nice seeing my cousin Rebecca again. She really wanted to spend…..” I froze as I saw the girl from the lockers pass me. I smiled at her and she smiled at me.

“Hi again,” she whispered as she walked by.

“Hi,” I whispered somewhat feeling my heart beat a little faster.

“Mandy, are you alright? Hello?”

I looked to my side at Lucas who looked at me with concern. I looked around and both Jessica and Josie looked concerned as well. I put on a fake smile and answered with, “Yeah, I’m OK, so anyway she really wanted to spend more time with me since we only see each other in the summers.”

I found myself later on walking down to the art wing. I didn’t know why I choose art as a subject. I really wanted to be in yearbook, but for some reason it was full. I figured that much too be true. Anyway it really didn’t matter to me. I closed my eyes, slowly entered and basically took my time as I walked toward the back of the class. I didn’t really have talent as an artist or a storyteller for that matter, so I decided to take an easy art class just to pass the time. I heard a voice herd the others into the room. It was probably the art teacher trying to organize the class before it began.

I froze as I watched that girl enter the room. She took a seat in the middle of the room. She was about one seat from me, but for some reason, I wanted to be closer to her. I shrugged the thought from my mind and just continued to think of other things. Mr. Edwin Zachery was the name of the art teacher. He smiled as he entered the room. He was a young teacher, probably a new one too, and somehow very cute. I noticed he seemed to spend most of his lunch time with another teacher by the name of Athena Rush. There were rumors that they were a couple or something. It was probably true, but I really didn’t care.

“OK, settle down class,” he said as he leaned with his back against the white board. He wrote in a very fancy manner his name. “OK, I know that you can’t read this, but my name is Edwin Zachery or you could call me Z for short.”

I wrote Zachery, but then crossed that out and put Z on instead.

“OK, here’s the deal, I’m suppose to check if you are attending class or not, so let’s begin shall we?”

He began calling names and most of the time I spent looking at the girl in front of me. Why did she make me want her so? Why did she make me want to get to know her? Why am I talking to myself?

“Amanda Nash?”

I took a deep breath and raised my head as I said, “Here.”

I waited until he called her name.

“Amelia Rosenberg?”

“Here, and its Mia,” she said in her deep and very charming voice.

I wrote down her name and felt like I was getting somewhere with this. I wanted to know her more. It was like I needed her like a kid needs a security blanket. It was odd comparing her to a security blanket, but that’s how I felt and somehow it was the only way to describe her.

“OK, now let’s see I want you all to draw in pairs. The first assignment will be to draw a representation or a cartoon of your partner.” He waited a moment before he decided to, “OK, if you don’t pick a partner soon, I will and I will start with Amanda and Amelia.”

I felt my heart rush at the idea, but somehow I felt a little nervous around her. She got up and moved close to me.

“Hello again,” she said with a beautiful smile. I closed my eyes and hoped for some intervention, but none came. I got out a pencil and figured why not? It was only one art class. I looked up at her and she smiled as I started to draw her. It was nearly perfect. I closed my drawing pad; the one Mr. Z assigned me and handed it to him at the end of class.

I grabbed my things and started toward the door. But I heard Mr. Z call me by name as I approached the door. I looked to him as he sat there at his desk. He smiled at me, but I frowned unsure of what to make of it. I looked at him before he finally said what he wanted to say, “I think you did well for your first day in class, actually you did better than I thought. Anyway I was wondering if you’d like to go into Advance Art rather then stay in basics.”

I looked at him, and then I looked up at Mia who was the only other person left here in class. I didn’t know why though, but I decided to decline. “I have my reasons for staying here.”

“I understand; I just want you to understand that you have a natural talent.”

“I understand well enough,” I whispered before I then added, “See you tomorrow Mr. Z.”

“Bye Amanda,” he answered as he then turned his attention to grading papers. I looked up at Mia before I went toward the door.

“Amanda, wait up,” she said as she walked over toward me. She kind of rushed toward me. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me later.”

I looked up at her for a moment not sure how to response.

“I guess,” I finally answered after a moment of silence. “But I have a lot of homework and I don’t really have any…..”

“It’s OK, I just want to spend time with you. You know make new friends here on my first day at a new school. Besides I also have a lot of homework and maybe we could you know have like a study date?”

“That’d be great; I’ll see you at my house around 6 o’clock? Here’s my address,” I said as I wrote it down and handed it to her.

“Thanks.” She smiled and then headed off down the hall. I took a deep breath before I went home.

I had to admit she was pretty and I felt like I wanted to be with her, to be by her side at all costs. I shrugged the thought as I chided myself again for thinking it. I was acting stupid and not being my normal self. I headed off to my house, a navy blue Victorian house near the coast. It was about three miles from the Pacific. My father was usually working on his weird inventions to care about anything. I spent most of my time cleaning the house while he worked on his little toys.

“Hey dad,” I said as I looked up at him through a small door in the ceiling.

“Yeah, what is it Amanda?”

“Is it O.K. if I have a friend come over to study?”

“Yeah sure why not?” He said in a somewhat level voice.

I headed up to my room. I checked my calendar for the first time in three weeks. I frowned at how disorganized I was. I decided to clean up a bit before studying. It was my way of getting ready to do something boring as usual. I was never really a disorganized person like most people I knew. I was very organized, which made me feel odd in a way. I wasn’t as messy as most would believe a teenage girl would be.

I walked down stairs when I heard the door bell sound. I opened the door and there Mia stood. I smiled as I held her in my sight.

“Hey Mia, come in,” I said as I motioned for her to enter.

“Thanks,” she whispered as she walked in. “Wow, this is really a nice place you have here.”

“Thanks, my dad just finished painting.” I lead the way toward my room. I smiled at her as she took a seat on my bed.

“So who do you have for history?”

“Mr. Connie, who do you have?” I answered as I went for my notes.

“I have the same teacher,” she said in a level tone. “So did you get any of the notes for the Revolutionary war?”

“Yeah most of it, but I wasn’t really paying attention.”

“Neither did I, but anyway we should compare notes and see what were missing.”

We spent most of the time comparing notes, but also talking about personal stuff. I was curious to know more about Mia. So I asked her questions like, “So what school did you go to before?”

“I went to Heights High School.”

“Cool, so why did you transfer?”

“My mom got a job around here and so I had to transfer to a school close by. And besides I didn’t fit in there anyway.”

“I can’t see why.” I gave her a smile. Our eyes meet for a moment before I turned away.

“OK, we should start on our homework now.”

“Yeah, I guess,” she said with a twinkle in her eyes. It felt like this door was being open, but what was I leaving behind? I didn’t know, but in a way I didn’t care as long as I was with her. My heart beat was somewhat fast, adrenaline was high, and my stomach did back flips again and again. She looked me up and down. She looked at me with a flirty kind of look. The look girls would give to cute boys that they were interested in. It was odd that she gave me that look, but I really didn’t care, because I wanted to flirt with her too.

Mia Rosenberg

Present Day

Alessa Hill High School, Southern California

I felt something toward her. It was hard to tell, but somehow I felt this deep connection. She made me feel alive even though I didn’t know her name. I turned and waited a moment before I noticed her in my mirror. I turned around and smiled at her. I waved a bit seeing that we were two lockers away didn’t make me feel embarrassed to do so. I answered her with a simple, “Hi.”

She smiled and said the same thing. I decided to close my locker, go down the hall and out of sight. I felt like going back to her and asking her everything about her, but soon changed my mind. I didn’t know much about this school. I was a new student here. Most of the time I felt like a new student; I didn’t fit in with anyone or knew many friends or made many of them anyway. I spent most of my time wondering the halls of new schools wondering how a normal kid felt.

My mom was a contractor and her business kept her from staying in one place. She usually spent most of her time moving with me. She said that we rented a lot, because the economy was bad. But I kind of hoped that we didn’t move as much and rather stay in one place. She wasn’t like most contractors with one true base of command. She usually just moved, because of many reasons. But I’m guessing the main reason is to keep me from failing in love with another girl. I figured that much because every time I fell in love, it was with another girl or someone that she didn’t approve of. We than had to move again, because of reasons that were out of her control.

“Excuse me,” I said as I looked at this tall figure standing next to the water fountain. He looked at me surprised. I noticed he looked at me weird as if I was a thing instead of a person. I closed my eyes and asked, “Where is Bio?”

“Which room?” He asked as he looked up at the tables around us. He was looking at this young girl. It was the same girl that I met earlier. I figured he was an admirer or something. I didn’t doubt that he was one of those types. He wore all black, I looked at her and before I looked back at him, he was gone.

“Oh great,” I sighed miserably as I started down the tables. I felt like I was being watched by everyone. I noticed she didn’t watch me as much as the others did. Most of them looked at me for a moment before going back to what they were doing before. She then turned as I walked closer to her table. I smiled as I whispered, “Hi again.”

“Hi,” she answered as I walked by. I heard her name being called by her friends. So her name is Mandy I said to myself as I went. I decided to sit down since it was lunch time and Bio was my next subject anyway.

“Hello,” said this one girl sitting next to me.

“Hi,” I said as I sat there.

She smiled and said, “My names Susan James.”

“Cool, my names Mia Rosenberg.”

“So are you new here?”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked over my shoulder at the back of Mandy’s head. I than looked at Susan and asked her the obvious. “Do you know Mandy?”

“Oh you mean Amanda Nash?”

“Yeah, I think,” I said not sure who she was talking about.

“Well, yeah I know her, why do you ask?”

“I was just wondering is she umm interested in girls.”

“Is she gay? No, she loves this guy named….”

“I can’t believe it,” said another voice interrupting Susan. She looked to her side and there sat another girl. She looked annoyed by something.

“What’s wrong Emily?” Susan asked surprised at her friend’s reaction.

“I have to work tonight,” Emily said somewhat annoyed.

I took a deep breath and started to walk away while they were talking. I didn’t want to let anyone know that I was well one of those girls. I never liked being a dyke and never liked being called one. It was quiet as I headed off to class later on. It was the last class of the day. I went down to the art wing hoping not to think of her. I entered Mr. Zachery’s classroom and felt an adrenaline rush as I saw her sitting there. I went to sit down one chair in front of her hoping she’d notice me a lot more. I didn’t really pay attention to the teacher as he spoke until he called my name and then after while said, “OK, if you don’t pick a partner soon, I will and I will start with Amanda and Amelia.”

I was froze for a moment before I got up and walked toward her. Everyone else took the message and chooses their partners. I felt relieved and somewhat nervous as I went to Amanda. I whispered, “Hello again.”

She closed her eyes and she looked even prettier than before. She got her drawing pad and started to draw me. I felt shy as I looked into her eyes. I started drawing her in a Anime kind of look and turned that in to the teacher. I started to grab my things, but stopped as I watched Amanda and Mr. Z talking. I froze as she looked up at me and said, “I have my reasons for staying.”

I turned away and waited until I heard her leaving. I grabbed my things and went to catch up with her. I almost screamed, “Amanda, wait up.”

She turned and there I saw her beautiful eyes looking back at me. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me later.”

I was hoping she’d say yes, but she frowned and for a moment my heart dropped a bit.

“I guess,” she answered after what felt like an eternity. “But I have a lot of homework and I don’t really have any….”

I had to cut her off and to at least find a way to get to spend time with her. “It’s OK; I just want to spend time with you. You know make new friends here on my first day at a new school. Besides I also have a lot of homework and maybe we could you know have like a study date?”

“That’d be great; I’ll see you at my house around 6 o’clock? Here’s my address,” She wrote down her address and handed it to me. I smiled feeling as if I had something going on with her.

“Thanks,” I said as I went down the hall. I went home where my mom was drunk again. I quietly went in, got dressed and started to walk to Amanda’s house. Amanda’s house was about one mile from where I lived. I spent a few minutes standing outside her house wondering if it was the right one or not. I closed my eyes and rang the door for the first time after an eternity of standing there. I froze a bit as I saw her answer the door. She smiled as I stood there.

“Hey Mia, come in,” she said as she motioned me in.

“Thanks,” I whispered as I walked in. “Wow, this is really a nice place you have here.”

“Thanks, my dad just finished painting.” She led me toward her room. She smiled at me as I took a seat on her bed.

“So who do you for history?”

“Mr. Connie, who do you have?”

“I have the same teacher,” I said before I added, “So did you get any of the notes for the Revolutionary war?”

She said with a smile, “Yeah most of it, but I wasn’t really paying attention.”

I felt something toward her as if we were meant to be, but too bad she had a boyfriend. “Neither did I, but anyway we should compare notes and see what were missing.”

We spent most of our time looking at the other’s notes and seeing how they differ. But we also talked about some personal stuff. I was nervous to be asked questions about my self, but felt somehow comfortable with her.

“So what school did you go to before?”

I frowned not sure what to say. I had gone to many schools before this one. But I decided to say, “I went to Sunny High School.”

It wasn’t the last school I went to, but it was one of them.

“Cool, so why did you transfer?”

I felt ever more nervous as I heard her ask me this. I wasn’t sure what to say, but I decided to tell her the near truth. “My mom got a job around here and so I had to transfer to a school close by. And besides I didn’t fit in there anyway.”

“I can’t see why,” she said as she gave me the cutest little smile. My eyes meet with hers for a moment before we turned away.

“OK, we should start on our homework now.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said as I looked her in the eyes. My heart felt like it was doing back flips as I sat there. I looked her up and down. I did what I normally did with other girls; I gave her a flirty kind of look and was hoping she’d do the same. She smiled at me as we continued to do homework.

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Old 03-26-2009, 05:24 PM
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Heya, Paramore_addict! You know what time it is? Course you do! As of this writing it is 6:38 PM. Duh.

Or it's "critique time". Whatever phraseology you prefer

Originally Posted by Paramore_addict
Chapter 1 –
Originally Posted by Paramore_addict

The New Girl


Amanda Nash

Present Day (Is this necessary? Do you switch time periods much?)

Alessa Hill High School, Southern California

I looked around for a moment in my locker. I had to find my history report. Great. This was really great.(comma) I kept saying to myself as I searched my locker for it. It was due today and I couldn’t find it. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down as I thought of a way to explain my missing report to Mr. Connie(What an unfortunate name ), my history teacher. I smiled at how ironic this was. I was always organized(comma) although(but fits much better here) today was an exception. I was going to be late for class yet again. I tried to focus on something else before my hands turned to flames, literally. I looked up at the mirror in my locker and there she was. I then(not needed) turned to look at her. She turned and smiled at me. I felt my heart race a bit. My stomach fluttered a little. It felt odd, but somewhat exciting and new. It was like a new high without the drugs that cause it. She waved, with that cute smile and said, “Hi.”

My heart beat(heartbeat) rapidly(Rapidly is a "big" term, while "little" is a "little" one. They're sort of at odds with each other, so you might want to take one out. I'd suggest taking out "rapidly") increased a little, but I kept it to myself. “Hi,” I automatically said("said automatically" seems to jive a little better) without notice of the act(Implied by automatically. More or less). She winked at me before she closed her locker,(then) went down the hall and out of sight. She was obviously new. She had to have been(comma) other wise(otherwise) I would know her. I caught a glimpse of her shirt and didn’t understand it. It was a rainbow design(Why do I get the feeling I know what the design is? ). It was a plain design, but somehow I didn’t really care about it. What I really wanted was to feel this way all the time. I wanted to see her again. It felt wrong, but for some reason it felt right. But did that make me weird? (Children's book you will never see: You're Different and That's Bad )

I decided not to think about it. I got up and started to search for my missing paper. I then decided to forget it and to turn it in later. I then soon(You can delete both of these. "Then" becaue it was just in the last sentence, "soon" because it's not "soon" it's "now". Sort of. ) started to head off to class. I took my normal seat next to my friend(comma) Josie Harris.

“Hey Mandy, how was your summer?”

“It was interesting,” I said(no comma) not really wanting to go into details. I then(delete it, because it's already implied that this is what happens next) noticed something missing. “Where’s Marshall?”

“Don’t know,(period) hope he’s still alive.” I gave her a look and she simply shrugged before she added(Why use two words where you could use one? Try "adding" Or subtracting. Whatever simple math you like), “Just kidding,(period) I’m sure he’s still alive.”

“I hope so,” I whispered back. “I mean after what happened. I doubt I’d be able to live through that.”

“I’m sure he’s fine,(comma) he’s usually very brave and strong.”

I decided not to push the subject, because I hoped deep down that Josie was right.

“Amanda Nash?”

“Here,” I answered the teacher as usual. I had a lot of classes this semester.(spaces)I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive this. I had to get them finished before this year, so I could get fewer classes in my last year of school. I looked down at my classes and just sighed as I read it. I had American History, English, study hall, break before math and science then lunch and finally art class, which I didn’t want to take in the first place, but figured it best to do so. I wanted to get through my second to last year of school with all A’s or at least a great grade point average to get at least a scholarship. That was at least(Just used it back there in the last sentence) my plan for what I wanted to do for this year(comma) and hopefully(I could, or something else to denote that this bit is the future) take it easy next year when I graduate. I had become(Do you mean "became"? Otherwise it doesn't make any sense, becaue isn't she still in the first class?) more disorganized as the day went. I lost my math homework(comma) and well(comma) it just went downhill from there.

“It’s not that interesting Amanda,” said Ms. Thompson as she handed me my romantic short story. “I mean(comma) it seems like you didn’t even try to put some effort in(into) it. It’s not one of your best works.”

“Why isn’t it interesting?” I asked(comma) surprised.

“Your characters are two dimensional(two-dimensional) and there’s not a lot of emotion. It’s too simple and it’s(Delete) honestly(no comma) there’s not even a description of how they felt. It’s just too straightforward. Two people meet and fall in love without showing us how they feel about the other. We, as readers, want images as a guide to what we’re reading, not some short story of how they liked each other and that’s it. I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’ll do better next time." (Spot on, PA! Somebody's been paying attention in all those "show, don't tell" threads )

I was never good at writing stories, so that didn’t bother me at all. I just had to get through the day without any further problems and that would be it. I hoped(comma) anyway,(period) I got up as the bell rang and went with the rest out the door. It was break when I met up with Lucas, my boyfriend(emdash) or as(Take 'er out!) my on and off boyfriend. I called him that because he didn’t really spend time with me, but when he did it was great; in my mind it was(comma) though it wasn’t that exciting. Lucas and I walked across the somewhat full cafeteria. Some people greeted us as normal. It was a normal day as usual. I put on a smile as if nothing was out of the ordinary. (You used "as" a lot in that last bit. You might want to reword)

“Hey Amanda,” greeted Susan James as she walked passed(past) me with her friend Emily Parker.

“Hi Susan,” I said as I followed Lucas to the usual table at the back. Josie and Jessica sat there as we entered the scene.

“Hey Mandy,” called Jess as we walked closer.

“Mandy, how are you?” Josie asked with a sly smile.

“I’m good,” I answered(comma) with(Stylistic change only, but if this went, it'd read more nicely) my happy face glowing. “So how are you guys?”

“I’ve been better,(period) so how was San Fran?” Jessica asked me with her curious look. She was much curvier than me in many ways. I wanted to know her secrets. I knew(had known) her since I was eight and she was(Delete this one for a new, improved, streamlined look!) about ten. We spent most of the time talking about boys or silly stuff like that.

“It was good,(period) it was actually better than good. It was pretty nice seeing my cousin Rebecca again. She really wanted to spend…..(Three dots, luv, and you'll be 'right!)” I froze as I saw the girl from the lockers pass me. I smiled at her and she smiled at me.

“Hi again,” she whispered as she walked by.

“Hi,” I whispered somewhat(Bah! Makes no sense! Remove, lassie! Also, add a comma to get that lovely fresh feeling ) feeling my heart beat a little faster.

“Mandy, are you alright(I'm such a grammar Nazi. It's techincally "all right" )? Hello?”

I looked to my side at Lucas(comma) who looked at me with concern. I looked around(Period, delete "and", and give yourself a pat on the back on some good sentences) and both Jessica and Josie looked concerned as well. I put on a fake smile and answered with, “Yeah, I’m OK,(period) so anyway(comma) she really wanted to spend more time with me since we only see each other in the summers.”

I found myself later on(Why doesn't ye put this at the beginning of the sentence? It'd sound much nicer that way) walking down to the art wing. I didn’t know why I choose(I'd chosen) art as a subject. I really wanted to be in yearbook, but for some reason it was full. I figured that much too(to) be true. Anyway(comma) it really didn’t matter to me. I closed my eyes, slowly entered(comma) and basically took my time as I walked toward the back of the class. I didn’t really have talent as an artist(comma) or a storyteller for that matter, so I decided to take an easy art class just to pass the time. I heard a voice herd the others into the room. It was probably the art teacher trying to organize the class before it began.

I froze as I watched that girl enter the room. She took a seat in the middle of the room. She was about one seat from me, but for some reason, I wanted to be closer to her. I shrugged the thought from my mind and just continued to think of other things. Mr. Edwin Zachery was the name of the art teacher. He smiled as he entered the room. He was a young teacher, probably a new one too, and somehow very cute. I noticed he seemed to spend most of his lunch time with another teacher by the name of Athena Rush(Now that is an interesting name. If I met a girl with a name like that I'd want to know more The first name of a goddess and the last name of a rock group. Very cool!). There were rumors that they were a couple or something. It was probably true, but I really didn’t care.

OK(Authors generally do it phonetically: okay), settle down class,” he said as he leaned with his back against the white board. He wrote in a very fancy manner(I'd put this after "name" if I was you) his name. “OK, I know that you can’t read this, but my name is Edwin Zachery or you could call me Z for short.”

I wrote Zachery, but then crossed that out and put Z on instead.

“OK, here’s the deal, I’m suppose to check if you are attending class or not, so let’s begin shall we?”

He began calling names and most of the time I spent looking at the girl in front of me. Why did she make me want her so? Why did she make me want to get to know her? Why am I talking to myself?

“Amanda Nash?”

I took a deep breath and raised my head as I said, “Here.”

I waited until he called her name.

“Amelia Rosenberg?”

“Here, and its Mia,” she said in her deep and very charming voice.

I wrote down her name and felt like I was getting somewhere with this. I wanted to know her more. It was like I needed her like a kid needs a security blanket. It was odd comparing her to a security blanket, but that’s how I felt and somehow it was the only way to describe her.

“OK,(no comma) now(comma) let’s see(period) I want you all to draw in pairs. The first assignment will be to draw a representation or a cartoon of your partner.” He waited a moment before he decided to,("Decided to" ain't a speech tag. "then said" would convey perfectly, though!) “OK, if you don’t pick a partner soon, I will(This'd sound better if you put a period here and deleted the and and changed "I will" to "I'll") and I will start with Amanda and Amelia.”

I felt my heart rush at the idea, but somehow(You use dat word a lot. I do not sink it means what you sink it means. Anyway, movie quotes aside, perhaps you should cut down on using this word. Makes you seem uncertain about everything) I felt a little nervous around her. She got up and moved close to me.

“Hello again,” she said with a beautiful smile. I closed my eyes and hoped for some intervention, but none came. I got out a pencil and figured why not? It was only one art class. I looked up at her and she smiled as I started to draw her. (Paragraph break)It was nearly perfect. I closed my drawing pad; the one Mr. Z assigned me(comma) and handed it to him at the end of class.

I grabbed my things and started toward the door. But I heard Mr. Z call me by name as I approached the door. I looked to him as he sat there at his desk. He smiled at me, but I frowned(comma) unsure of what to make of it. I looked at him before he finally said what he wanted to say,(period) “I think you did well for your first day in class,(period) actually you did better than I thought. Anyway(comma) I was wondering if you’d like to go into Advance(Advanced?) Art rather then stay in basics.”

I looked at him, and then I looked up(up? Why would she need to look u at Mia(comma) who was the only other person left here in class. I didn’t know why though(Delete 'though'), but I decided to decline. “I have my reasons for staying here.”

“I understand; I just want you to understand that you have a natural talent.”

“I understand well enough,” I whispered before I then added(Same deal as a little while ago...try saying "adding"), “See you tomorrow Mr. Z.”

“Bye Amanda,” he answered as he then(Delete, delete, delete, mein writer!) turned his attention to grading papers. I looked up at Mia before I went toward the door.

“Amanda, wait up,” she said as she walked over toward me. She kind of rushed toward me. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me later.”

I looked up at her for a moment(comma) not sure how to response(respond).

“I guess,” I finally answered after a moment of silence. “But I have a lot of homework and I don’t really have any…..(Three be enough for thee)

“It’s OK, I just want to spend time with you. You know(Comma) make new friends here on my first day at a new school. Besides(comma) I also have a lot of homework and maybe we could(comma) you know(comma) have(comma) like(comma) a study date?”

“That’d be great; I’ll see you at my house around 6 o’clock? Here’s my address,” I said as(It'd read nicer if you deleted that bit) I wrote it down and handed it to her.

“Thanks.” She smiled and then headed off down the hall. I took a deep breath before I went home.

I had to admit she was pretty and I felt like I wanted to be with her, to be by her side at all costs. I shrugged the thought as I chided myself again for thinking it. I was acting stupid and not being my normal self. I headed off to my house, a navy blue Victorian house near the coast. It was about three miles from the Pacific. My father was usually(too busy) working on his weird inventions to care about anything. I spent most of my time cleaning the house while he worked on his little toys.

“Hey dad,” I said as I looked up at him through a small door in the ceiling.

“Yeah, what is it Amanda?”

“Is it O.K. if I have a friend come over to study?”

“Yeah(comma) sure(comma) why not?” He(he) said in a somewhat level(Usually indicates displeasure) voice.

I headed up to my room. I checked my calendar for the first time in three weeks. I frowned at how disorganized I was. I decided to clean up a bit before studying. It was my way of getting ready to do something boring as usual.(Boring=humdrum, which makes "as usual" already implied! Whoo! Efficiency ) I was never really a disorganized person like most people I knew. I was very organized, which made me feel odd in a way. I wasn’t as messy as most would believe a teenage girl would be. (That used to be me. Except for the girl thing. Then came high school...)

I walked down stairs(downstairs) when I heard the door bell(doorbell) sound. I opened the door and there Mia stood. I smiled as I held her in my sight. (That's a sort of awkward way to say it_

“Hey Mia, come in,” I said as I motioned for her to enter.

“Thanks,” she whispered as she walked in. “Wow, this is really a nice place you have here.”

“Thanks, my dad just finished painting.” I lead(led) the way toward my room. I smiled at her as she took a seat on my bed.

“So who do you have for history?”

“Mr. Connie,(period) who do you have?” I answered as I went for my notes.

“I have the same teacher,” she said in a level(Again, usually indicates displeasure) tone. “So did you get any of the notes for the Revolutionary war?”

“Yeah(comma) most of it, but I wasn’t really paying attention.”(Then how did she take notes?)

“Neither did I, but anyway(comma) we should compare notes and see what were(we're) missing.”

We spent most of the time comparing notes, but also talking about personal stuff. I was curious to know more about Mia. So I asked her questions like, “So what school did you go to before?”

“I went to Heights High School.”

“Cool,(period) so why did you transfer?”

“My mom got a job around here and so I had to transfer to a school close by. And besides(comma) I didn’t fit in there anyway.”

“I can’t see why.” I gave her a smile. Our eyes meet(met) for a moment before I turned away.

“OK, we should start on our homework now.”

“Yeah, I guess,” she said with a twinkle in her eyes. It felt like this door was being open(opened), but what was I leaving behind? I didn’t know, but in a way I didn’t care as long as I was with her. My heart beat(heartbeat) was somewhat fast, adrenaline was high, and my stomach did back flips again and again. She looked me up and down. She looked at me with a flirty kind of look. The look girls would give to cute boys that they were interested in. It was odd that she gave me that look, but I really didn’t care, because I wanted to flirt with her too.
Righty-ho! One problem I noticed a lot was that you tend to start most of your sentences with "I", and usually only vary it with another personal pronoun (She, you, he, they, etc.). That gets really repetitive, and can be sort of numbing and simplistic to the readers. It takes practice to get out of, but don't worry, once you start getting the hang of it it'll seem second nature to vary your beginnings! Try using prepostions (By the old church tower, the squirrel rebellion gathered to make plans) descriptors (Adjectives/adverbs)(Black, brown, and stupid rodents were all there!/Quickly they mustered their troops) and verbs (Marching militantly, many mighty squirrels made mucklucks ). It'll keep your writing changing and fun to read!

Then you have that thing with commas. It's my belief that you should try decaf when you write, that way you'll slow down and punctuate a little Or, if you can't kick your caf habit, try reading what you write out loud sometimes, with no breaks, and then see where the pauses should go. Also, check out the Reference Room's article about commas for even more handy hints, as well as tips about comma splices and where to use periods instead of commas, etc.

Also, the thing with "somewhat" was a little distracting--look for words like that and question whether you really need them to get the point across.

Other than those things, it's mostly scattered style thingamajigs. You'll get the hang of it, I've great confidence!

I'll come back and do the rest for you if you'd like, but for future reference, we like to keep most people's posts under 3000 words. Much easier to critique that way!

Later!
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Old 03-26-2009, 06:15 PM
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It'd be tough to add anything to Winter's critique, but I copied this into the 'Wordle' site that HoiLei linked to in the Writers Cafe, and these are the words that occur most:

looked (this one happens a lot)
felt (less than looked, but still recurring mucho)
really
like
time
wanted
smiled
went
class
just

So, maybe you can go back through and change some of those, for variety. Thesauruses can be your best friend.
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Old 03-26-2009, 06:20 PM
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Default One more time, just one, I promise

Originally Posted by Paramore_addict View Post
This is the first chapter of my current project Amanda's Lament: The Anatomy of a Rumor. I just need you to be honest and hopefully tell me what I'm doing wrong with this...

Chapter 1 –

The New Girl


Amanda Nash

Present Day

Alessa Hill High School, Southern California

I looked around for a moment in my locker. I had to find my history report. Great. This was really great. I kept saying to myself as I searched my locker for it. It was due today and I couldn’t find it. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down as I thought of a way to explain my missing report to Mr. Connie, my history teacher. I smiled at how ironic this was. I was always organized although today was an exception. I was going to be late for class yet again. I tried to focus on something else before my hands turned to flames, literally. I looked up at the mirror in my locker and there she was. I then turned to look at her. She turned and smiled at me. I felt my heart race a bit. My stomach fluttered a little. It felt odd, but somewhat exciting and new. It was like a new high without the drugs that cause it. She waved, with that cute smile and said, “Hi.”

My heart beat rapidly increased a little, but I kept it to myself. “Hi,” I automatically said without notice of the act. She winked at me before she closed her locker, went down the hall and out of sight. She was obviously new. She had to have been other wise I would know her. I caught a glimpse of her shirt and didn’t understand it. It was a rainbow design. It was a plain design, but somehow I didn’t really care about it. What I really wanted was to feel this way all the time. I wanted to see her again. It felt wrong, but for some reason it felt right. But did that make me weird?

I decided not to think about it. I got up and started to search for my missing paper. I then decided to forget it and to turn it in later. I then soon started to head off to class. I took my normal seat next to my friend Josie Harris.

“Hey Mandy, how was your summer?”

“It was interesting,” I said not really wanting to go into details. I then noticed something missing. “Where’s Marshall?”

“Don’t know, hope he’s still alive.” I gave her a look and she simply shrugged before she added, “Just kidding, I’m sure he’s still alive.”

“I hope so,” I whispered back. “I mean after what happened. I doubt I’d be able to live through that.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, he’s usually very brave and strong.”

I decided not to push the subject, because I hoped deep down that Josie was right.

“Amanda Nash?”

“Here,” I answered the teacher as usual. I had a lot of classes this semester.I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive this. I had to get them finished before this year, so I could get fewer classes in my last year of school. I looked down at my classes and just sighed as I read it. I had American History, English, study hall, break before math and science then lunch and finally art class, which I didn’t want to take in the first place, but figured it best to do so. I wanted to get through my second to last year of school with all A’s or at least a great grade point average to get at least a scholarship. That was at least my plan for what I wanted to do for this year and hopefully take it easy next year when I graduate. I had become more disorganized as the day went. I lost my math homework and well it just went downhill from there.

“It’s not that interesting Amanda,” said Ms. Thompson as she handed me my romantic short story. “I mean it seems like you didn’t even try to put some effort in it. It’s not one of your best works.”

“Why isn’t it interesting?” I asked surprised.

“Your characters are two dimensional and there’s not a lot of emotion. It’s too simple and it’s honestly there’s not even a description of how they felt. It’s just too straightforward. Two people meet and fall in love without showing us how they feel about the other. We, as readers, want images as a guide to what we’re reading, not some short story of how they liked each other and that’s it. I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’ll do better next time.”

I was never good at writing stories, so that didn’t bother me at all. I just had to get through the day without any further problems and that would be it. I hoped anyway, I got up as the bell rang and went with the rest out the door. It was break when I met up with Lucas, my boyfriend or as my on and off boyfriend. I called him that because he didn’t really spend time with me, but when he did it was great; in my mind it was though it wasn’t that exciting. Lucas and I walked across the somewhat full cafeteria. Some people greeted us as normal. It was a normal day as usual. I put on a smile as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

“Hey Amanda,” greeted Susan James as she walked passed me with her friend Emily Parker.

“Hi Susan,” I said as I followed Lucas to the usual table at the back. Josie and Jessica sat there as we entered the scene.

“Hey Mandy,” called Jess as we walked closer.

“Mandy, how are you?” Josie asked with a sly smile.

“I’m good,” I answered with my happy face glowing. “So how are you guys?”

“I’ve been better, so how was San Fran?” Jessica asked me with her curious look. She was much curvier than me in many ways. I wanted to know her secrets. I knew her since I was eight and she was about ten. We spent most of the time talking about boys or silly stuff like that.

“It was good, it was actually better than good. It was pretty nice seeing my cousin Rebecca again. She really wanted to spend…..” I froze as I saw the girl from the lockers pass me. I smiled at her and she smiled at me.

“Hi again,” she whispered as she walked by.

“Hi,” I whispered somewhat feeling my heart beat a little faster.

“Mandy, are you alright? Hello?”

I looked to my side at Lucas who looked at me with concern. I looked around and both Jessica and Josie looked concerned as well. I put on a fake smile and answered with, “Yeah, I’m OK, so anyway she really wanted to spend more time with me since we only see each other in the summers.”

I found myself later on walking down to the art wing. I didn’t know why I choose art as a subject. I really wanted to be in yearbook, but for some reason it was full. I figured that much too be true. Anyway it really didn’t matter to me. I closed my eyes, slowly entered and basically took my time as I walked toward the back of the class. I didn’t really have talent as an artist or a storyteller for that matter, so I decided to take an easy art class just to pass the time. I heard a voice herd the others into the room. It was probably the art teacher trying to organize the class before it began.

I froze as I watched that girl enter the room. She took a seat in the middle of the room. She was about one seat from me, but for some reason, I wanted to be closer to her. I shrugged the thought from my mind and just continued to think of other things. Mr. Edwin Zachery was the name of the art teacher. He smiled as he entered the room. He was a young teacher, probably a new one too, and somehow very cute. I noticed he seemed to spend most of his lunch time with another teacher by the name of Athena Rush. There were rumors that they were a couple or something. It was probably true, but I really didn’t care.

“OK, settle down class,” he said as he leaned with his back against the white board. He wrote in a very fancy manner his name. “OK, I know that you can’t read this, but my name is Edwin Zachery or you could call me Z for short.”

I wrote Zachery, but then crossed that out and put Z on instead.

“OK, here’s the deal, I’m suppose to check if you are attending class or not, so let’s begin shall we?”

He began calling names and most of the time I spent looking at the girl in front of me. Why did she make me want her so? Why did she make me want to get to know her? Why am I talking to myself?

“Amanda Nash?”

I took a deep breath and raised my head as I said, “Here.”

I waited until he called her name.

“Amelia Rosenberg?”

“Here, and its Mia,” she said in her deep and very charming voice.

I wrote down her name and felt like I was getting somewhere with this. I wanted to know her more. It was like I needed her like a kid needs a security blanket. It was odd comparing her to a security blanket, but that’s how I felt and somehow it was the only way to describe her.

“OK, now let’s see I want you all to draw in pairs. The first assignment will be to draw a representation or a cartoon of your partner.” He waited a moment before he decided to, “OK, if you don’t pick a partner soon, I will and I will start with Amanda and Amelia.”

I felt my heart rush at the idea, but somehow I felt a little nervous around her. She got up and moved close to me.

“Hello again,” she said with a beautiful smile. I closed my eyes and hoped for some intervention, but none came. I got out a pencil and figured why not? It was only one art class. I looked up at her and she smiled as I started to draw her. It was nearly perfect. I closed my drawing pad; the one Mr. Z assigned me and handed it to him at the end of class.

I grabbed my things and started toward the door. But I heard Mr. Z call me by name as I approached the door. I looked to him as he sat there at his desk. He smiled at me, but I frowned unsure of what to make of it. I looked at him before he finally said what he wanted to say, “I think you did well for your first day in class, actually you did better than I thought. Anyway I was wondering if you’d like to go into Advance Art rather then stay in basics.”

I looked at him, and then I looked up at Mia who was the only other person left here in class. I didn’t know why though, but I decided to decline. “I have my reasons for staying here.”

“I understand; I just want you to understand that you have a natural talent.”

“I understand well enough,” I whispered before I then added, “See you tomorrow Mr. Z.”

“Bye Amanda,” he answered as he then turned his attention to grading papers. I looked up at Mia before I went toward the door.

“Amanda, wait up,” she said as she walked over toward me. She kind of rushed toward me. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me later.”

I looked up at her for a moment not sure how to response.

“I guess,” I finally answered after a moment of silence. “But I have a lot of homework and I don’t really have any…..”

“It’s OK, I just want to spend time with you. You know make new friends here on my first day at a new school. Besides I also have a lot of homework and maybe we could you know have like a study date?”

“That’d be great; I’ll see you at my house around 6 o’clock? Here’s my address,” I said as I wrote it down and handed it to her.

“Thanks.” She smiled and then headed off down the hall. I took a deep breath before I went home.

I had to admit she was pretty and I felt like I wanted to be with her, to be by her side at all costs. I shrugged the thought as I chided myself again for thinking it. I was acting stupid and not being my normal self. I headed off to my house, a navy blue Victorian house near the coast. It was about three miles from the Pacific. My father was usually working on his weird inventions to care about anything. I spent most of my time cleaning the house while he worked on his little toys.

“Hey dad,” I said as I looked up at him through a small door in the ceiling.

“Yeah, what is it Amanda?”

“Is it O.K. if I have a friend come over to study?”

“Yeah sure why not?” He said in a somewhat level voice.

I headed up to my room. I checked my calendar for the first time in three weeks. I frowned at how disorganized I was. I decided to clean up a bit before studying. It was my way of getting ready to do something boring as usual. I was never really a disorganized person like most people I knew. I was very organized, which made me feel odd in a way. I wasn’t as messy as most would believe a teenage girl would be.

I walked down stairs when I heard the door bell sound. I opened the door and there Mia stood. I smiled as I held her in my sight.

“Hey Mia, come in,” I said as I motioned for her to enter.

“Thanks,” she whispered as she walked in. “Wow, this is really a nice place you have here.”

“Thanks, my dad just finished painting.” I lead the way toward my room. I smiled at her as she took a seat on my bed.

“So who do you have for history?”

“Mr. Connie, who do you have?” I answered as I went for my notes.

“I have the same teacher,” she said in a level tone. “So did you get any of the notes for the Revolutionary war?”

“Yeah most of it, but I wasn’t really paying attention.”

“Neither did I, but anyway we should compare notes and see what were missing.”

We spent most of the time comparing notes, but also talking about personal stuff. I was curious to know more about Mia. So I asked her questions like, “So what school did you go to before?”

“I went to Heights High School.”

“Cool, so why did you transfer?”

“My mom got a job around here and so I had to transfer to a school close by. And besides I didn’t fit in there anyway.”

“I can’t see why.” I gave her a smile. Our eyes meet for a moment before I turned away.

“OK, we should start on our homework now.”

“Yeah, I guess,” she said with a twinkle in her eyes. It felt like this door was being open, but what was I leaving behind? I didn’t know, but in a way I didn’t care as long as I was with her. My heart beat was somewhat fast, adrenaline was high, and my stomach did back flips again and again. She looked me up and down. She looked at me with a flirty kind of look. The look girls would give to cute boys that they were interested in. It was odd that she gave me that look, but I really didn’t care, because I wanted to flirt with her too.

Mia Rosenberg

Present Day

Alessa Hill High School, Southern California

I felt something toward her. It was hard to tell, but somehow I felt this deep connection. She made me feel alive even though I didn’t know her name. I turned and waited a moment before I noticed her in my mirror. I turned around and smiled at her. I waved a bit seeing that we were two lockers away didn’t make me feel embarrassed to do so. I answered her with a simple, “Hi.”

She smiled and said the same thing. I decided to close my locker, go down the hall and out of sight. I felt like going back to her and asking her everything about her, but soon changed my mind. I didn’t know much about this school. I was a new student here. Most of the time I felt like a new student; I didn’t fit in with anyone or knew many friends or made many of them anyway. I spent most of my time wondering the halls of new schools wondering how a normal kid felt.

My mom was a contractor and her business kept her from staying in one place. She usually spent most of her time moving with me. She said that we rented a lot, because the economy was bad. But I kind of hoped that we didn’t move as much and rather stay in one place. She wasn’t like most contractors with one true base of command. She usually just moved, because of many reasons. But I’m guessing the main reason is to keep me from failing in love with another girl. I figured that much because every time I fell in love, it was with another girl or someone that she didn’t approve of. We than had to move again, because of reasons that were out of her control.

“Excuse me,” I said as I looked at this tall figure standing next to the water fountain. He looked at me surprised. I noticed he looked at me weird as if I was a thing instead of a person. I closed my eyes and asked, “Where is Bio?”

“Which room?” He asked as he looked up at the tables around us. He was looking at this young girl. It was the same girl that I met earlier. I figured he was an admirer or something. I didn’t doubt that he was one of those types. He wore all black, I looked at her and before I looked back at him, he was gone.

“Oh great,” I sighed miserably as I started down the tables. I felt like I was being watched by everyone. I noticed she didn’t watch me as much as the others did. Most of them looked at me for a moment before going back to what they were doing before. She then turned as I walked closer to her table. I smiled as I whispered, “Hi again.”

“Hi,” she answered as I walked by. I heard her name being called by her friends. So her name is Mandy I said to myself as I went. I decided to sit down since it was lunch time and Bio was my next subject anyway.

“Hello,” said this one girl sitting next to me.

“Hi,” I said as I sat there.

She smiled and said, “My names Susan James.”

“Cool, my names Mia Rosenberg.”

“So are you new here?”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked over my shoulder at the back of Mandy’s head. I than looked at Susan and asked her the obvious. “Do you know Mandy?”

“Oh you mean Amanda Nash?”

“Yeah, I think,” I said not sure who she was talking about.

“Well, yeah I know her, why do you ask?”

“I was just wondering is she umm interested in girls.”

“Is she gay? No, she loves this guy named….”

“I can’t believe it,” said another voice interrupting Susan. She looked to her side and there sat another girl. She looked annoyed by something.

“What’s wrong Emily?” Susan asked surprised at her friend’s reaction.

“I have to work tonight,” Emily said somewhat annoyed.

I took a deep breath and started to walk away while they were talking. I didn’t want to let anyone know that I was well one of those girls. I never liked being a dyke and never liked being called one. It was quiet as I headed off to class later on. It was the last class of the day. I went down to the art wing hoping not to think of her. I entered Mr. Zachery’s classroom and felt an adrenaline rush as I saw her sitting there. I went to sit down one chair in front of her hoping she’d notice me a lot more. I didn’t really pay attention to the teacher as he spoke until he called my name and then after while said, “OK, if you don’t pick a partner soon, I will and I will start with Amanda and Amelia.”

I was froze for a moment before I got up and walked toward her. Everyone else took the message and chooses their partners. I felt relieved and somewhat nervous as I went to Amanda. I whispered, “Hello again.”

She closed her eyes and she looked even prettier than before. She got her drawing pad and started to draw me. I felt shy as I looked into her eyes. I started drawing her in a Anime kind of look and turned that in to the teacher. I started to grab my things, but stopped as I watched Amanda and Mr. Z talking. I froze as she looked up at me and said, “I have my reasons for staying.”

I turned away and waited until I heard her leaving. I grabbed my things and went to catch up with her. I almost screamed, “Amanda, wait up.”

She turned and there I saw her beautiful eyes looking back at me. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me later.”

I was hoping she’d say yes, but she frowned and for a moment my heart dropped a bit.

“I guess,” she answered after what felt like an eternity. “But I have a lot of homework and I don’t really have any….”

I had to cut her off and to at least find a way to get to spend time with her. “It’s OK; I just want to spend time with you. You know make new friends here on my first day at a new school. Besides I also have a lot of homework and maybe we could you know have like a study date?”

“That’d be great; I’ll see you at my house around 6 o’clock? Here’s my address,” She wrote down her address and handed it to me. I smiled feeling as if I had something going on with her.

“Thanks,” I said as I went down the hall. I went home where my mom was drunk again. I quietly went in, got dressed and started to walk to Amanda’s house. Amanda’s house was about one mile from where I lived. I spent a few minutes standing outside her house wondering if it was the right one or not. I closed my eyes and rang the door for the first time after an eternity of standing there. I froze a bit as I saw her answer the door. She smiled as I stood there.

“Hey Mia, come in,” she said as she motioned me in.

“Thanks,” I whispered as I walked in. “Wow, this is really a nice place you have here.”

“Thanks, my dad just finished painting.” She led me toward her room. She smiled at me as I took a seat on her bed.

“So who do you for history?”

“Mr. Connie, who do you have?”

“I have the same teacher,” I said before I added, “So did you get any of the notes for the Revolutionary war?”

She said with a smile, “Yeah most of it, but I wasn’t really paying attention.”

I felt something toward her as if we were meant to be, but too bad she had a boyfriend. “Neither did I, but anyway we should compare notes and see what were missing.”

We spent most of our time looking at the other’s notes and seeing how they differ. But we also talked about some personal stuff. I was nervous to be asked questions about my self, but felt somehow comfortable with her.

“So what school did you go to before?”

I frowned not sure what to say. I had gone to many schools before this one. But I decided to say, “I went to Sunny High School.”

It wasn’t the last school I went to, but it was one of them.

“Cool, so why did you transfer?”

I felt ever more nervous as I heard her ask me this. I wasn’t sure what to say, but I decided to tell her the near truth. “My mom got a job around here and so I had to transfer to a school close by. And besides I didn’t fit in there anyway.”

“I can’t see why,” she said as she gave me the cutest little smile. My eyes meet with hers for a moment before we turned away.

“OK, we should start on our homework now.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said as I looked her in the eyes. My heart felt like it was doing back flips as I sat there. I looked her up and down. I did what I normally did with other girls; I gave her a flirty kind of look and was hoping she’d do the same. She smiled at me as we continued to do homework.
To be verbs = boredom. Quite a few SPaG faults; I'll leave those for others. Two thoughts: Good dialogue is captivating; conversation is boring. Homosexuality is not, in and of itself, interesting or intriguing, and especially not creative. Sorry to be such a downer, but if you want to write, you must start somewhere.
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Old 03-26-2009, 06:56 PM
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OK Paco, so homosexuality isn't interesting? Is that what your saying? So what is interesting? Straight relationships? I mean it took me four years of my life to work on that story. I didn't even have a romance two years ago and now that I do, it seems apparent that it's not interesting to some. I mean sure it's not interesting to you, but it's interesting to me and some of my friends thought it was interesting as well.

Oh and thanks Winterbite, you ROCK!! At least someone is willing to try to help me here.
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Old 03-26-2009, 07:00 PM
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PA, I think what he's saying is that homosexuality as the only plot in the story isn't interesting, since it's not very uncommon anymore. It needs things to happen. Since they're witches (right?) I'm assuming that comes later. Don't take the comments too personally.
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Old 03-26-2009, 07:03 PM
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Oh, wow, sorry Paco, I just thought anyway I just wanted to set the characters up in this chapter rather then reveal the main plot so quickly.
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Old 03-26-2009, 07:28 PM
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What is your aim in writing? Do you want us to judge your choices and feelings, your life, or do you want a critique of your writing? I have no animosity toward you or your life choices. My critique was primarily about your use of passive vs. active verbs. Do you want to learn to write? I am still working on a book I started 12 years ago. Doesn't say much for my abilities, but I am stubborn. Sorry if I made you cry, but I wish someone had read my first stilted attempts and tried to tell me the truth. Writing is not a lark in the park on a sunny afternoon. There is little chance that my stuff will be read outside of groups like this one, but you have the world and time. It won't be easy. Here is my best advice: Read Gaspar Ruis by Joseph Conrad. Then read everything you can find by Erich Maria Remarque. Then, sit down in a quiet place and rewrite your story.
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Old 03-26-2009, 07:34 PM
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To be honest, it's not about me at all, it's more about how two people meet and fall in love slowly, it's also about a witch growing out of her shell and also trying to stop some mad scientist from destroying human life as we know it.
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Old 03-26-2009, 07:51 PM
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Super cool! Go for it.
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Old 03-27-2009, 11:40 AM
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No problem, PA! I didn't do the whole thing, so I can come back and finish tonight if you wanna keep going!
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Old 03-27-2009, 12:56 PM
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Paramore – Writing’s a little like removing your skin, parading up and down the street, and asking people to look at your insides. It’s not for the faint hearted but it’s imperative that you accept whatever criticism is offered.

The greatest praise is that someone will read your work- so thank them profusely, throw away what you can’t use and save what you can. When you’re a best selling novelist, only then can you tell readers to take a flying leap off a high building. I understand your sensitivity. I suffer from the same to a lesser or greater degree, but you gotta’ get tough. Winterbite gave you advice and an edit that is worth hundreds of dollars in time and effort. Readers have not always been so generous to me.

Adrian
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Old 03-27-2009, 04:24 PM
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Well, I don't normally do this, but my novel arrived from the printers yesterday so I'm feeling celebratory. Find included in your original text my suggestions and feedback!

Pete

Originally Posted by Paramore_addict View Post
The New Girl


Amanda Nash

Present Day

Alessa Hill High School, Southern California

I looked around for a moment ("for a moment" implies brevity. Maybe say "I searched through my locker" or "I turned my locker inside out" or something. Just not quite sure I like the phrasing of looking around for a moment in a locker. How much looking can you do in there?) in my locker. I had to find my history report. Great. This was really great. I kept saying to myself (Link the thoughts with the narrative somehow. It reads strangely at the moment. Italicise "Great. This was..." or somehow show that those two sentences are being explained by the lattermost one) as I searched my locker for it. It was due today and I couldn’t find it. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down as I thought of a way to explain my missing report to Mr. Connie, my history teacher. I smiled at how ironic this was. I was always organized although today was an exception. I was going to be late for class yet again. I tried to focus on something else before my hands turned to flames, literally. (New pp [paragraph] maybe?) I looked up at the mirror in my locker and there she was. I then turned to look at her. She turned and smiled at me. I felt my heart race a bit. My stomach fluttered a little. It felt odd, but somewhat exciting and new. It was like a new high without the drugs (does a high school student use a drug analogy?) that cause it. She waved, with that (saying "that" cute smile implies that it's been seen before. If she's new, as per the pp below, maybe she should have "a" cute smile) cute smile and said, “Hi.”

My heart beat rapidly increased a little, but I kept it to myself. “Hi,” I automatically said without notice of the act. She winked at me before she closed her locker, went down the hall and out of sight. She was obviously new. She had to have been other wise (otherwise is one word) I would know her. I caught a glimpse of her shirt and didn’t understand it. It was a rainbow design. It was a plain design, but somehow I didn’t really care about it. What I really wanted was to feel this way all the time. I wanted to see her again. It felt wrong, but for some reason it felt right. But did that make me weird?

I decided not to think about it. I got up and started to search for my missing paper. I then decided to forget it and to turn it in later. I then soon started to head off to class. I took my normal seat next to my friend Josie Harris.

“Hey Mandy, how was your summer?”

“It was interesting,” I said not really wanting to go into details. I then noticed something missing. “Where’s Marshall?”

“Don’t know, hope he’s still alive.” I gave her a look and she simply shrugged before she added, “Just kidding, I’m sure he’s still alive.”

“I hope so,” I whispered back. “I mean after what happened. I doubt I’d be able to live through that.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, he’s usually very brave and strong.”

I decided not to push the subject, because I hoped deep down that Josie was right.

“Amanda Nash?”

“Here,” I answered the teacher as usual. I had a lot of classes this semester.I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive this. I had to get them finished before this year, so I could get fewer classes in my last year of school. I looked down at my classes and just sighed as I read it. I had American History, English, study hall, break before math and science then lunch and finally art class, which I didn’t want to take in the first place, but figured it best to do so. I wanted to get through my second to last year of school with all A’s or at least a great grade point average to get at least (at least x2) a scholarship. That was at least (at least again!) my plan for what I wanted to do for this year and hopefully take it easy next year when I graduate. I had become more disorganized as the day went. I lost my math homework and well it just went downhill from there. (Have a look at how many sentences start with "I". This is starting to get repetitive. Try breaking it up a little. This is really hard to get the hang of!!!)

“It’s not that interesting Amanda,” said Ms. Thompson as she handed me my romantic short story. “I mean it seems like you didn’t even try to put some effort in it. It’s not one of your best works.”

“Why isn’t it interesting?” I asked surprised.

“Your characters are two (add hyphon) dimensional and there’s not a lot of emotion. It’s too simple and it’s honestly there’s not even a description of how they felt. It’s just too straightforward. Two people meet and fall in love without showing us how they feel about the other. We, as readers, want images as a guide to what we’re reading, not some short story of how they liked each other and that’s it. I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’ll do better next time.”

I was never good at writing stories, so that didn’t bother me at all. I just had to get through the day without any further problems and that would be it. I hoped anyway, I got up as the bell rang and went with the rest out the door. It was break when I met up with Lucas, my boyfriend or as my (, or rather, my) on and off boyfriend. I called him that because he didn’t really spend time with me, but when he did it was great; in my mind it was though it wasn’t that exciting (last sentence is a little clunky). Lucas and I walked across the somewhat full cafeteria. Some people greeted us as normal. It was a normal day as usual. I put on a smile as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

“Hey Amanda,” greeted Susan James as she walked passed me with her friend Emily Parker.

“Hi Susan,” I said as I followed Lucas to the usual table at the back. Josie and Jessica sat there as we entered the scene.

“Hey Mandy,” called Jess as we walked closer.

“Mandy, how are you?” Josie asked with a sly smile.

“I’m good,” I answered with my happy face glowing. “So how are you guys?”

“I’ve been better, so how was San Fran?” Jessica asked me with her curious look. She was much curvier than me in many ways. I wanted to know her secrets. I knew (I'd known) her since I was eight and she was about ten. We spent most of the time talking about boys or silly stuff like that.

“It was good, it was actually better than good. It was pretty nice seeing my cousin Rebecca again. She really wanted to spend…..” I froze as I saw the girl from the lockers pass me. I smiled at her and she smiled at me.

“Hi again,” she whispered as she walked by.

“Hi,” I whispered somewhat feeling my heart beat a little faster.

“Mandy, are you alright? Hello?”

I looked to my side at Lucas who looked at me with concern. I looked around and both Jessica and Josie looked concerned as well. I put on a fake smile and answered with, “Yeah, I’m OK, so anyway she really wanted to spend more time with me since we only see each other in the summers.”

I found myself later on (Try: "Later on, I found myself" - this breaks up the always starting with "I" issue) walking down to the art wing. I didn’t know why I choose art as a subject. I really wanted to be in yearbook, but for some reason it was full. I figured that much too be true. Anyway it really didn’t matter to me. I closed my eyes, slowly entered and basically took my time as I walked toward the back of the class. I didn’t really have talent as an artist or a storyteller for that matter, so I decided to take an easy art class just to pass the time. I heard a voice herd the others into the room. It was probably the art teacher trying to organize the class before it began.

I froze as I watched that girl enter the room. She took a seat in the middle of the room. She was about one seat from me, but for some reason, I wanted to be closer to her. I shrugged the thought from my mind and just continued to think of other things. Mr. Edwin Zachery (do we need to have him described by first name as well as last?) was the name of the art teacher. He smiled as he entered the room. He was a young teacher, probably a new one too, and somehow very cute. I noticed he seemed to spend most of his lunch time with another teacher by the name of Athena Rush (again). There were rumors that they were a couple or something. It was probably true, but I really didn’t care.

“OK, settle down class,” he said as he leaned with his back against the white board. He wrote (his name) in a very fancy manner his name. “OK, I know that you can’t read this, but my name is Edwin Zachery or you could call me Z for short.”

I wrote Zachery, but then crossed that out and put Z on instead.

“OK, here’s the deal, I’m suppose to check if you are attending class or not, so let’s begin shall we?”

He began calling names and most of the time I spent looking at the girl in front of me. Why did she make me want her so? Why did she make me want to get to know her? Why am I talking to myself?

“Amanda Nash?”

I took a deep breath and raised my head as I said, “Here.”

I waited until he called her name.

“Amelia Rosenberg?”

“Here, and its Mia,” she said in her deep and very charming voice.

I wrote down her name and felt like I was getting somewhere with this. I wanted to know her more. It was like I needed her like a (ooh, ooh, write, "Like a fat kid needs cake"!!!!!!!!!!) kid needs a security blanket. (I kid) It was odd comparing her to a security blanket, but that’s how I felt and somehow it was the only way to describe her.

“OK, now let’s see I want you all to draw in pairs. The first assignment will be to draw a representation or a cartoon of your partner.” He waited a moment before he decided to, “OK, if you don’t pick a partner soon, I will and I will start with Amanda and Amelia.”

I felt my heart rush at the idea, but somehow I felt a little nervous around her. She got up and moved close to me.

“Hello again,” she said with a beautiful smile. I closed my eyes and hoped for some intervention, but none came. I got out a pencil and figured why not? (add quotes or italics here?) It was only one art class. I looked up at her and she smiled as I started to draw her. It was nearly perfect. I closed my drawing pad; the one Mr. Z assigned me and handed it to him at the end of class.

I grabbed my things and started toward the door. But I heard Mr. Z call me by name as I approached the door. I looked to him as he sat there at his desk. He smiled at me, but I frowned unsure of what to make of it. I looked at him before he finally said what he wanted to say, “I think you did well for your first day in class, actually you did better than I thought. Anyway I was wondering if you’d like to go into Advance Art rather then stay in basics.”

I looked at him, and then I looked up at Mia who was the only other person left here in class. I didn’t know why though, but I decided to decline. “I have my reasons for staying here.”

“I understand; I just want you to understand (2x understand, then one in the sentence below) that you have a natural talent.”

“I understand well enough,” I whispered before I then added, “See you tomorrow Mr. Z.”

“Bye Amanda,” he answered as he then turned his attention to grading papers. I looked up at Mia before I went toward the door.

“Amanda, wait up,” she said as she walked over toward me. She kind of rushed toward me. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me later.”

I looked up at her for a moment not sure how to response.

“I guess,” I finally answered after a moment of silence. “But I have a lot of homework and I don’t really have any….. (be careful with trail offs. You need to keep it uniform. Standard is 3 dots (known as an ellipsis) ”

“It’s OK, I just want to spend time with you. You know make(ing) new friends here on my first day at a new school. Besides I also have a lot of homework and maybe we could you know have like a study date?”

“That’d be great; I’ll see you at my house around 6 o’clock? Here’s my address,” I said as I wrote it down and handed it to her.

“Thanks.” She smiled and then headed off down the hall. I took a deep breath before I went home.

I had to admit she was pretty and I felt like I wanted to be with her, to be by her side at all costs. I shrugged the thought as I chided myself again for thinking it. I was acting stupid and not being my normal self. I headed off to my house, a navy blue Victorian house near the coast. It was about three miles from the Pacific. My father was usually (add "too busy") working on his weird inventions to care about anything. I spent most of my time cleaning the house while he worked on his little toys.

“Hey dad,” I said as I looked up at him through a small door in the ceiling.

“Yeah, what is it Amanda?”

“Is it O.K. if I have a friend come over to study?”

“Yeah sure why not?” He said in a somewhat level voice.

I headed up to my room. I checked my calendar for the first time in three weeks. I frowned at how disorganized I was. I decided to clean up a bit before studying. It was my way of getting ready to do something boring as usual. I was never really a disorganized person like most people I knew. I was very organized, which made me feel odd in a way. I wasn’t as messy as most would believe a teenage girl would be.

I walked down stairs when I heard the door bell sound. I opened the door and there Mia stood. I smiled as I held her in my sight. (note that 9 out of the last 10 sentences start with "I")

“Hey Mia, come in,” I said as I motioned for her to enter.

“Thanks,” she whispered as she walked in. “Wow, this is really a nice place you have here.”

“Thanks, my dad just finished painting.” I lead the way toward my room. I smiled at her as she took a seat on my bed.

“So who do you have for history?”

“Mr. Connie, who do you have?” I answered as I went for my notes.

“I have the same teacher,” she said in a level tone. “So did you get any of the notes for the Revolutionary war?”

“Yeah most of it, but I wasn’t really paying attention.”

“Neither did I, but anyway we should compare notes and see what were missing.”

We spent most of the time comparing notes, but also talking about personal stuff. I was curious to know more about Mia. So I asked her questions like, “So what school did you go to before?”

“I went to Heights High School.”

“Cool, so why did you transfer?”

“My mom got a job around here and so I had to transfer to a school close by. And besides I didn’t fit in there anyway.”

“I can’t see why.” I gave her a smile. Our eyes meet for a moment before I turned away.

“OK, we should start on our homework now.”

“Yeah, I guess,” she said with a twinkle in her eyes. It felt like this door was being open (ed?), but what was I leaving behind? I didn’t know, but in a way I didn’t care as long as I was with her. My heart beat was somewhat fast, adrenaline was high, and my stomach did back(one word)flips again and again. She looked me up and down. She looked at me with a flirty kind of look. The look girls would give to cute boys that they were interested in. It was odd that she gave me that look, but I really didn’t care, because I wanted to flirt with her too.

Mia Rosenberg

Present Day

Alessa Hill High School, Southern California

I felt something toward her. It was hard to tell, but somehow I felt this deep connection. She made me feel alive even though I didn’t know her name. I turned and waited a moment before I noticed her in my mirror. I turned around and smiled at her. I waved a bit seeing that we were two lockers away didn’t make me feel embarrassed to do so (confusing sentence. Re-word?). I answered her with a simple, “Hi.”

She smiled and said the same thing. I decided to close my locker, go down the hall and out of sight. I felt like going back to her and asking her everything about her, but soon changed my mind. I didn’t know much about this school. I was a new student here. Most of the time I felt like a new student; I didn’t fit in with anyone or knew (have) many friends or made (make) many of them anyway. I spent most of my time wo"a"ndering the halls of new schools wondering how a normal kid felt.

My mom was a contractor and her business kept her from staying in one place. She usually spent most of her time moving with me. She said that we rented a lot, because the economy was bad. But I kind of hoped that we didn’t move as much and rather stay in one place. She wasn’t like most contractors with one true base of command. She usually just moved, because of many reasons. But I’m guessing the main reason is to keep me from failing in love with another girl. I figured that much because every time I fell in love, it was with another girl or someone that she didn’t approve of. We than had to move again, because of reasons that were out of her control.

“Excuse me,” I said as I looked at this tall figure standing next to the water fountain. He looked at me surprised. I noticed he looked at me weird as if I was a thing instead of a person. I closed my eyes and asked, “Where is Bio?”

“Which room?” He asked as he looked up at the tables around us. He was looking at this young girl. It was the same girl that I met earlier. I figured he was an admirer or something. I didn’t doubt that he was one of those types. He wore all black, I looked at her and before I looked back at him, he was gone.

“Oh great,” I sighed miserably as I started down the tables. I felt like I was being watched by everyone. I noticed she didn’t watch me as much as the others did. Most of them looked at me for a moment before going back to what they were doing before (2x before). She then turned as I walked closer to her table. I smiled as I whispered, “Hi again.”

“Hi,” she answered as I walked by. I heard her name being called by her friends. So her name is Mandy (again, do something to differentiate thought from narrative) I said to myself as I went. I decided to sit down since it was lunch time and Bio was my next subject anyway.

“Hello,” said this one girl sitting next to me.

“Hi,” I said as I sat there.

She smiled and said, “My names Susan James.”

“Cool, my names Mia Rosenberg.”

“So are you new here?”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked over my shoulder at the back of Mandy’s head. I than (then) looked at Susan and asked her the obvious. “Do you know Mandy?”

“Oh you mean Amanda Nash?”

“Yeah, I think,” I said not sure who she was talking about.

“Well, yeah I know her, why do you ask?”

“I was just wondering is she umm interested in girls.”

“Is she gay? No, she loves this guy named….” (the dots)

“I can’t believe it,” said another voice interrupting Susan. She looked to her side and there sat another girl. She looked annoyed by something.

“What’s wrong Emily?” Susan asked surprised at her friend’s reaction.

“I have to work tonight,” Emily said somewhat annoyed. (you've described her as annoyed twice)

I took a deep breath and started to walk away while they were talking. I didn’t want to let anyone know that I was well one of those girls. I never liked being a dyke and never liked being called one. It was quiet as I headed off to class later on. It was the last class of the day. I went down to the art wing hoping not to think of her. I entered Mr. Zachery’s classroom and felt an adrenaline rush as I saw her sitting there. I went to sit down one chair in front of her hoping she’d notice me a lot more. I didn’t really pay attention to the teacher as he spoke until he called my name and then after while said, “OK, if you don’t pick a partner soon, I will and I will start with Amanda and Amelia.”

I was froze for a moment before I got up and walked toward her. Everyone else took the message and chooses their partners. I felt relieved and somewhat nervous as I went to Amanda. I whispered, “Hello again.”

She closed her eyes and she looked even prettier than before. She got her drawing pad and started to draw me. I felt shy as I looked into her eyes. I started drawing her in a Anime kind of look and turned that in to the teacher. I started to grab my things, but stopped as I watched Amanda and Mr. Z talking. I froze as she looked up at me and said, “I have my reasons for staying.”

I turned away and waited until I heard her leaving. I grabbed my things and went to catch up with her. I almost screamed, “Amanda, wait up.”

She turned and there I saw her beautiful eyes looking back at me. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me later.”

I was hoping she’d say yes, but she frowned and for a moment my heart dropped a bit.

“I guess,” she answered after what felt like an eternity. “But I have a lot of homework and I don’t really have any….”

I had to cut her off and to at least find a way to get to spend time with her. “It’s OK; I just want to spend time with you. You know make new friends here on my first day at a new school. Besides I also have a lot of homework and maybe we could you know have like a study date?” (change this pp as per the first instance of it)

“That’d be great; I’ll see you at my house around 6 o’clock? Here’s my address,” She wrote down her address and handed it to me. I smiled feeling as if I had something going on with her.

“Thanks,” I said as I went down the hall. I went home where my mom was drunk again. I quietly went in, got dressed and started to walk to Amanda’s house. Amanda’s house was about one mile from where I lived. I spent a few minutes standing outside her house wondering if it was the right one or not. I closed my eyes and rang the door for the first time after an eternity of standing there (kind of repeating yourself with the 'don't know if it was right one' and 'eternity standing'). I froze a bit as I saw her answer the door. She smiled as I stood there.

“Hey Mia, come in,” she said as she motioned me in.

“Thanks,” I whispered as I walked in. “Wow, this is really a nice place you have here.”

“Thanks, my dad just finished painting.” She led me toward her room. She smiled at me as I took a seat on her bed.

“So who do you for history?”

“Mr. Connie, who do you have?”

“I have the same teacher,” I said before I added, “So did you get any of the notes for the Revolutionary war?”

She said with a smile, “Yeah most of it, but I wasn’t really paying attention.”

I felt something toward her as if we were meant to be, but too bad she had a boyfriend. “Neither did I, but anyway we should compare notes and see what were missing.”

We spent most of our time looking at the other’s notes and seeing how they differ. But we also talked about some personal stuff. I was nervous to be asked questions about my self, but felt somehow comfortable with her.

“So what school did you go to before?”

I frowned not sure what to say. I had gone to many schools before this one. But I decided to say, “I went to Sunny High School.”

It wasn’t the last school I went to, but it was one of them.

“Cool, so why did you transfer?”

I felt ever more nervous as I heard her ask me this. I wasn’t sure what to say, but I decided to tell her the near truth. “My mom got a job around here and so I had to transfer to a school close by. And besides I didn’t fit in there anyway.”

“I can’t see why,” she said as she gave me the cutest little smile. My eyes meet with hers for a moment before we turned away.

“OK, we should start on our homework now.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said as I looked her in the eyes. My heart felt like it was doing back flips as I sat there. I looked her up and down. I did what I normally did with other girls; I gave her a flirty kind of look and was hoping she’d do the same. She smiled at me as we continued to do homework.

Paramore addict,

I hope some of these suggestions help. Your story... it's not too bad. I'm no teen-drama reader, so it's not my cup of tea, but I think you have the guts of an interesting tale there. It's quite a short excerpt so it's hard to see where it's going, but I think fundamentally there's nothing wrong with it.

My two biggest criticisms would be: firstly, you need to break up your sentence structure more. It's all 'I' did this and 'I' think this and 'I' want this, etc. Too many sentences begin with I, so it feels a little bit like a chain of thoughts and events. Simply breaking up the sentences so that they aren't all like this will make a huge difference to the flow of your piece. Overall though the mood is good and the story flows well. Pace is good. Secondly, I don't know at what point this excerpt comes from, but the love story seems to be evolving pretty quickly. Yes, it is a love-at-first-sight kind of thing, but I think you could, for example, add more tension with Amanda already having a boyfriend, and how this affects the chances of the two girls hooking up. You get what I'm saying? It all seems a little too quick and obvious. I think it would benefit from dragging out the suspense more, and playing off other factors such as the boyfriend and of course (and I'm sure this comes into it) the taboo nature of two girls and the disapproval of certain parties.

On that note, homosexuality is certainly a different thing in terms of readers' response to heterosexuality. Why do you think "Brokeback Mountain" was so phenomenal? Because it confronted people and it addressed an issue which is still a taboo in the mainstream. Sure, homosexual stories are more common now than in the past, but they are still different to 'normal' love stories. Also, I am a pervert and find teen lesbians quite arousing, so you get my vote!

Keep cracking at it!
Pet
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  #14  
Old 03-28-2009, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Paramore_addict View Post
OK Paco, so homosexuality isn't interesting? Is that what your saying? So what is interesting? Straight relationships? I mean it took me four years of my life to work on that story. I didn't even have a romance two years ago and now that I do, it seems apparent that it's not interesting to some. I mean sure it's not interesting to you, but it's interesting to me and some of my friends thought it was interesting as well.
PA,
You completely misunderstood Paco's critique. He was saying you need to use stronger verbs. You can't rely solely on homosexuality or a straight relationship to hold your reader. It really doesn't matter the topic. It matters how you write it. There are some really great pieces written about nothing. There are also some great topics written poorly.
You said " I just need you to be honest and hopefully tell me what I'm doing wrong with this..."
Well they did. They are critiquing your work not you or even your topic.


Originally Posted by Paramore_addict View Post
Oh and thanks Winterbite, you ROCK!! At least someone is willing to try to help me here.
I see several posts that have been written giving you some great advice. But I don't see any thanks from you. If you want the critiques you are gonna have to take the bitter with the sweet. And be thankful for the advice. I spent over an hour critiquing one of your pieces and I didn't get a thanks or even a reply. Nothing. This is my own little pity party. lol


Maybe it's still coming. I can be patient. Sometimes it takes a few days for people to read and comment.
We are a community here. We work together to help one another.
If you want good critiques give good critiques to others. I am more willing spend my time to give a good critique to someone who has helped me out.
Maybe you can take a look at one of my pieces and critique the heck out of it for me. The harder you look the better.
Keep writing.

Teancor
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Old 03-28-2009, 10:36 AM
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Ok, it seems everything here has pretty much been covered. So, I will say this: I wasn't even able to finish. Are you sure this has been edited before? I'm sorry if that sounds overly cruel but all of the mistakes were distracting and made me have trouble paying attention to the story because all I saw was mistakes. Again, sorry if that sounds cruel.
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Old 03-28-2009, 02:39 PM
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This note is off subject--just a rejoinder to Netti: White is actually the color of radiated, transmitted or reflected light containing all of the visible rays of the spectrum; opposite to black. Now how can I turn that into a poem or story? Ummmm. Thanks, I think...
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Old 03-28-2009, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Paco View Post
This note is off subject--just a rejoinder to Netti: White is actually the color of radiated, transmitted or reflected light containing all of the visible rays of the spectrum; opposite to black. Now how can I turn that into a poem or story? Ummmm. Thanks, I think...
Sorry, I'm not really sure what you're asking for here but so we don't clog up this thread with something unrelated to the topic feel free to message me.
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Old 03-28-2009, 03:00 PM
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Just a referral to your signature. Not important.
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Old 03-28-2009, 03:08 PM
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Ok, figured it was something to do with my signature.
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Old 03-28-2009, 08:22 PM
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PA,
I think you have an interesting subject and seem passionate about it. I think this would work better if you changed your perspective from first person to some variation of third person. In a first person view, it seems...heavy handed and self important. I think that from a third person limited POV you might elicit more objective compassion from the reader.
Shemp
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