WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Life Cars

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 10-21-2006, 11:35 PM
Wisp's Avatar
Wisp (Offline)
Mysterious Villain
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 551
Thanks: 13
Thanks 26
Default Life Cars


I didn't spend any time really editing this piece.. just wanted to get the idea out there. Check it.

Thanks.


Life Cars

You always travel those worn out roads,
The roads that are just tired, black rubble.
The roads that everyone knows, and everyone hates…
But no one ever wants to make new ones.

You sit there on the edge of the street,
Watching the life cars pass by,
Fast cars, slow cars…
Brand new ones with a bright blue or pink ribbon,
And dusty, broken down ones,
Running since the day the road was built.

You watch the moons change to suns,
And the atmosphere set itself to rest,
Old cars die, ancient reminders left on the street,
Soon to pass to the junkyard
New cars gather dirt and rust,
And slowly they die too.

You wonder why we travel this road,
This damned, beaten road,
When we could just create our own,
Without those bumps and potholes,
Without misery, without hate, without sadness…
Why can’t we build our own road,
Our own, happy road?

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-23-2006, 09:02 AM
gary_wagner
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

I like the concept and you have a good tight metaphor of the cars to people. It is kind of reminiscent of the poem, "The Road Less Travelled" by Robert Frost. It might be kind of interesting here for you to explore the concept a little of someone actually blazing their own new trail and contrast that to the others who just follow the roads someone else made.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-23-2006, 07:24 PM
Wisp's Avatar
Wisp (Offline)
Mysterious Villain
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 551
Thanks: 13
Thanks 26
Default

Hmm thanks. Yeah that's an interesting idea, I'll fiddle with it a bit and see how it turns out. Havn't read the road less travelled, but I'll give it a look haha.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-24-2006, 03:30 AM
gary_wagner
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

I got the title wrong. It's "The Road Not Taken". Here it is:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-24-2006, 08:28 AM
Cold Twilight's Avatar
Cold Twilight (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,795
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Default

I like this...a lot. Neat poem.

Originally Posted by Wisp
Life Cars

You always travel those worn out roads,
The roads that are just tired, black rubble.
The roads that everyone knows, and everyone hates…
But no one ever wants to make new ones.

You sit there on the edge of the street,
Watching the life cars pass by,
Fast cars, slow cars…
Brand new ones with a bright blue or pink ribbon,
And dusty, broken down ones,
Running since the day the road was built.

You watch the moons change to suns,
And the atmosphere set itself to rest,
Old cars die, ancient reminders left on the street,
Soon to pass to the junkyard
New cars gather dirt and rust,
And slowly they die too.

You wonder why we travel this road,
This damned, beaten road,
When we could just create our own,
Without those bumps and potholes,
Without misery, without hate, without sadness…
Why can’t we build our own road,
Our own, happy road?
Although I thought it was kind of odd that first "You" are traveling the road, then watching it for two stanzas, then still watching, and now wondering too, in the last stanza. Can "You" travel and watch at the same time?

Perhaps mess around with the POV...but again, great poem!
__________________
More than one,
less than none,
Worthless?

Gain some time,
but lose the rhyme,
Useless?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-27-2006, 06:37 PM
Wisp's Avatar
Wisp (Offline)
Mysterious Villain
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 551
Thanks: 13
Thanks 26
Default

Thanks Cold, I'm glad you like it! I see what you're saying on the POV also, so i'll see what I can do to change it.

Gary, thanks for The Road Not Taken, I appriciate it
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 06:06 AM
Life Without Principle starrwriter The Library 1 12-14-2006 03:04 PM
Gen X/retaining youthful passion for life BC Watson Poetry 3 09-23-2006 01:31 PM
The Breath of Life starrwriter Non-Fiction 2 03-29-2006 08:21 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 05:41 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.