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I Do Not Have a Space

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  #1  
Old 12-20-2007, 11:45 AM
HollyWorth (Offline)
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Default I Do Not Have a Space


I Do Not Have A Space

I do not have a space
I thought I had a space
But deep inside I knew
All along
It was not my space
Just a space
I could use
As long as I dropped off my money
By the 4th day of the month
I pretended it was my space
And I used it
As my space
I thought I would be sad
If I ever had to leave it
But somehow
Recently
It is
More a burden than a joy
It seems
That forces beyond my control
Are urging me
To sabotage this space
Lately
I spend my time
And money
Scarce as it is
Buying things
That crowd my space
Crowding myself out
The more I buy
The more I find
This space is not enough
As I try
To make this space my own
I spoil it
It is like a lover
Who seems
So wonderful at first
You cannot believe you have him
You are sure you do not deserve him
And you declare
To yourself
You will do
Whatever it takes
To keep him
That is the first stage
Then from infatuation
Comes the comfortable time
You smile at his witticisms
Even though
You have heard them all before
You laugh
And smile
Because it makes you happy
To see him happy
This is the peaceful time
You cook for him
It seems new and fun
You clean this and that for him
It feels good
To hear him say
Sincerely
“Thank you”
You feel a satisfaction
A fair exchange is being made
But somehow
It slips up on you
One day
The space you are in
Just like the man you are in
Seems somehow smaller
And by your own hands
It seems more crowded
The space you loved
Starts draining you
Expecting from you
Smothering you
Odd
The space has not changed
The man has not changed
But your feelings are your feelings
And not to be denied
Then decisions must be made
With clarity
Must I keep this space
No
All I have to do
Is stop giving them the money
By the 4th day of the month
And the man the same
But then what
Will I seek better
Or just try to made do
Either choice
Brings its own problems
I’ll probably find a new space
And a new man
And the cycle will go on


Last edited by Icarus; 12-20-2007 at 02:15 PM.. Reason: correct title
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Old 12-20-2007, 12:48 PM
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It looks like you've inadvertently put the wrong title on this piece. You can pm the mods and get them to change it.
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Old 12-20-2007, 03:26 PM
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I love 80% of this poem.
The only part I didn't care much for is the middle where you switch to describing the love process of the man.
The whole theme of the space and the decline in enthusiasm with it, and - essentially- life is wonderful. So real, so alive with how it really does feel.
I do like the tie-in of space and partner at the end and the ending is great.

Happy Writing,
~Poe
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Old 12-20-2007, 04:08 PM
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I really like the idea behind this poem, but for me there are too many 'spaces' at the beginning. It also seems rather long, drawn out by comparisons that could be made more succinctly. Still, I wouldn't lose the comparisons, just abbreviate them.

It seems you have a wonderful thought here, but it is at severe risk of being lost in a sea of words. That's not to say I don't like long poems, I do, but there has to be enough to merit the length. I'm not sure this does.

I hope you will try re-working this as I really think it is worth the effort. It's an excellent viewpoint and deserves to be heard.
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Old 12-20-2007, 07:28 PM
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I liked this poem. It was different. Something about it, perhaps its tone, just stayed with me as I read it. I would just make the corrections QoW has suggested.

I love poems that are full of emotion, and I loved this.

Andrew
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Old 12-20-2007, 08:23 PM
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Change is hard even when it's the best thing, the only thing that is right for you.
Listen to Queen of Wands. It is a good poem. I enjoyed it alot. Laughed at the begining because I just renewed the lease on my apartment for another year. I still really like it here, except I need to junk myself. I tend to be a pack rat.
Looking forward to reading the rewrite of this work and other works of yours. dorrie9
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