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The Odyssey (Flash Fiction)

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  #1  
Old 08-31-2011, 06:08 PM
Jay GoShin (Offline)
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Default The Odyssey (Flash Fiction)


Intro: This is my first attempt at a Flash Fiction story. The main character will be part of series of small Flash stories. Any advice on how to improve would be greatly appreciated.
PS: The rap part is supposed to horrible, just in case anyone was wondering.


The Odyssey (458 words)

A large blast of pale sunlight shines through the third floor windows of the Asherton Apartment Complex. Sensing the sunlight beaming on his face, a young man reluctantly tosses the gray blanket covering his nearly naked body. Slowly, the young man edges to the end of the bed to stand up. He adjusts his boxers and scratches his face as he walks towards his dresser.

Geez, I hate going to the doctors, the man says as he rummages through the mass of clothes strewn throughout the dresser drawers. He digs out a purple t-shirt and holds it up to the light.

Looks clean enough to me.

He finds a clean pair of jeans and throws both items on his bed before walking over to his desk. He picks up his HTC EVO, which is resting on the desk. He checks the time; 7:43 a.m. He begins to place the phone back on the desk, but the phone begins to rumble from an incoming message.


From: Jordan
To: Adam
9/1/2011
7:43 a.m.
Hey man, hope your Dr. visit goes well. Hit me up afterwards. Oh, and dont forget to write your verse. We are recording later tonight.


Dang it, I forgot all about that verse, says Adam to himself.

He bends down and grabs his backpack. After pulling out a green folder and a copy of Romeo and Juliet, Adam finds what he was looking for, a black and white memo book, which he uses for writing raps. He grabs a pen from his desk and plops back down on his bed. After opening to a new page, Adams begins to write down a few lines.


Oh, I wish you could have this feeling, Im banks on these millions.
Shipped them millions down South, now Im sitting on billions.
Im chilling with a girl that looks like Kelly Kelly,
She a super freak, 20 piercing on her belly.



Dang, cant think of nothing else, says Adam. Hmm, Ill just put some words together. Im hot fire, Ill make them work.


Im fire, I burn holes in the snow.
Snow white like the blo.
Chain colder than the Arctic wind,
Winds that slap you when they bend.


Adam, yells his mother. Adam are you up yet? Its almost time to leave.

Im up mom, Adam replies. Ill be down in a few minutes. Ive just got to finish writing something.


Kanye told me to take hold of my destiny,
Watch me step to my throne, just watch and see.
Im going harder than Rick Ross at a buffet,
And Weezy Im addicted to the green.


As he finishes, his mother bursts into his open doorway.

Come on boy, quit writing we got go.

Ok, here I come. Just a minute.

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  #2  
Old 08-31-2011, 06:50 PM
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Hilee Coco (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Jay GoShin View Post
Intro: This is my first attempt at a Flash Fiction story. The main character will be part of series of small Flash stories. Any advice on how to improve would be greatly appreciated.
PS: The rap part is supposed to horrible, just in case anyone was wondering.


The Odyssey (458 words)

A large blast of pale sunlight How is it pale? How does it blast? I'm not seeing it. shines through the third floor windows of the Asherton Apartment Complex. Sensing the sunlight beaming on his face, a young man reluctantly tosses the gray blanket covering his nearly naked body. Slowly, the young man he edges to the end of the bed to stand up can't picture this. He adjusts his boxers and scratches his face as he walks towards his dresser.

Geez, I hate going to the doctors, the man says as he rummages through the mass of clothes strewn throughout the dresser drawers. Do people really say things like this to themselves? He digs out a purple t-shirt and holds it up to the light.

Looks clean enough to me.

He finds a clean pair of jeans and throws both items on his bed before walking over to his desk. He picks up his HTC EVO phone [you're not writing an ad], which is resting on the desk. He checks the time; colon not semicolon 7:43 a.m. He begins to place the phone back on the desk, but the phone begins to rumble from an incoming message. Repetitive.


From: Jordan
To: Adam
9/1/2011
7:43 a.m.

Hey man, hope your Dr. visit goes well. Hit me up afterwards. Oh, and dont forget to write your verse. We are recording later tonight.



Dang it, I forgot all about that verse, says Adam to himself.

He bends down and grabs his backpack. After pulling out a green folder and a copy of Romeo and Juliet, Adam finds what he was looking for, a black and white memo book, which he uses for writing raps. He grabs a pen from his desk and plops back down on his bed. After opening to a new page, Adams begins to write down a few lines.


Oh, I wish you could have this feeling, Im banks on these millions.
Shipped them millions down South, now Im sitting on billions.
Im chilling with a girl that looks like Kelly Kelly,
She a super freak, 20 piercing on her belly.



Dang, cant think of nothing else, says Adam. Hmm, Ill just put some words together. Im hot fire, Ill make them work.


Im fire, I burn holes in the snow.
Snow white like the blo.
Chain colder than the Arctic wind,
Winds that slap you when they bend.



Adam, yells his mother. Adam are you up yet? Its almost time to leave.

Im up mom, Adam replies. Ill be down in a few minutes. Ive just got to finish writing something.


Kanye told me to take hold of my destiny,
Watch me step to my throne, just watch and see.
Im going harder than Rick Ross at a buffet,
And Weezy Im addicted to the green.



As he finishes, his mother bursts into his open doorway.

Come on boy, quit writing we got to go. You make the mom sound uneducated. Not sure if that's intentional.

Ok, here I come. Just a minute.
Sorry if this is blunt, but... is that all? I don't get it.
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  #3  
Old 08-31-2011, 10:09 PM
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I lol'd at "go hard like Ross at a buffet"
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Old 09-01-2011, 04:56 PM
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Thank you for your thoughts and comments Hilee Coco.

Originally Posted by Hilee Coco View Post
Sorry if this is blunt, but... is that all? I don't get it.
Basically, there with be five or six Flash stories centered around Adam and his journey as an aspiring hip-hop artist. What I was trying to convey his immaturity, with the way he moved about his room and with his lyrics. Maybe that's why it seems a little boring.

And thanks Moops, haha.
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Old 09-01-2011, 05:01 PM
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Oh, you and I have different definitions of flash. I think of flash piece as being stand-alone. It could work in a larger context.
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  #6  
Old 09-02-2011, 05:17 AM
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After looking over Hilee's comments and think about the direct I want to story to move in, I've decided to go back and edit the story a bit.

The Odyssey pt.1(edited version)


A large streak of yellow sunlight shines through the third floor windows of the Asherton Apartment Complex. Sensing the sunlight beaming on his face, a young man reluctantly tosses the gray blanket covering his nearly naked body. Slowly, he slides out of the bed. He adjusts his boxers and scratches his face as he walks towards his dresser.

Sleeping in today would be nice, the man says as he rummages through the mass of clothes strewn throughout the dresser drawers. He digs out a purple t-shirt and holds it up to the light.

Looks clean enough to me.

He finds a clean pair of jeans and throws both items on his bed before walking over to his desk. He picks up his cell phone, which is resting on the desk. He checks the time: 7:43 a.m. He places the phone back on the desk, but the phone begins to rumble from an incoming message.


From: Jordan
Hey man, hope your Dr. visit goes well. Hit me up afterwards. Oh, and dont forget to write your verse. We are recording later tonight.


Dang it, I forgot all about that verse, says Adam to himself.

He bends down and grabs his backpack. After pulling out a green folder and a copy of Romeo and Juliet, Adam finds what he was looking for, a black and white memo book, which he uses for writing raps. He grabs a pen from his desk and plops back down on his bed. After opening to a new page, Adams begins to write down a few lines.


Oh, I wish you could have this feeling, Im banks on these millions.
Shipped them millions down South, now Im sitting on billions.
Im chilling with a girl that looks like Kelly Kelly,
She a super freak, 20 piercing on her belly.



Dang, cant think of nothing else, says Adam. Hmm, Ill just put some words together. Im hot fire, Ill make them work.


Im fire, I burn holes in the snow.
Snow white like the blo.
Chain colder than the Arctic wind,
Winds that slap you when they bend.


Adam, yells his mother. Adam are you up yet? Its almost time for your doctor's appointment.

Im up mom, Adam replies. Ill be down in a few minutes. Ive just got to finish writing something.


Kanye told me to take hold of my destiny,
Watch me step to my throne, just watch and see.
Im going harder than Rick Ross at a buffet,
And Weezy Im addicted to the green.


As he finishes, his mother bursts into his open doorway.

Come on boy, quit writing! We got go!

Ok, here I come. Just a second.
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Old 09-02-2011, 06:04 AM
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Could you show us that Adam has potential for something better, even if he's not very mature just now? If he had written something better that might establish more sympathy for him. If he's young then its plausible that he hasn't yet been noticed, even if he has the potential to be one day. Or perhaps you could hint that he's capable of something other than rap and has some talent for that. Again, if he's just starting out its possible that he's got to try different things before finding his vocation.
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Old 09-03-2011, 03:48 AM
Jay GoShin (Offline)
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Thank you IanG.

I actually thought about the potential issues will I was writing part 2. So, it's addressed in that part.
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