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Death of a (Traveling) Salesman

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  #1  
Old 06-14-2017, 01:20 PM
JesseK1213 (Online)
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Nope


Last edited by JesseK1213; 11-04-2017 at 10:54 AM..
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  #2  
Old 06-14-2017, 07:11 PM
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I liked this story.

In my opinion you can tell a story but there are some mechanical issues you need to work on.

This piece is so long it's going to take me some time to go through with a line by line critique. I'll do it because this feels like an honest effort by someone who is talented.

I will say now, that you violated Chekov's Gun rule. 'If there is a gun on the wall in the first scene it must be fired in the second or third.' This is to say: eliminate all unnecessary dramatic elements. I see the juxtaposition of the title with the pistol in the old mans pocket, but I was still hoping he would shoot it before the end.

I'll have more suggestions by the end of the weekend when I'll have more time to think.

Thanks for posting this, and again, welcome.
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Old 06-15-2017, 10:38 AM
JesseK1213 (Online)
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Thank you for your comments and for taking the time to give this a read. This is the first story I've posted publicly, and I have to admit, doing so was a little bit nerve-wracking. Your kindness is appreciated.

I understand what you're saying about the gun. Seems like a good rule to follow.

I'm fairly new to all of this, so any help you can give me will be taken to heart.

Thank you for the warm welcome.
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Old 06-15-2017, 12:47 PM
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You're welcome. This is quite good. If I were you I'd be very proud of it.
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Old 06-15-2017, 04:35 PM
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Yes -- this is good work. I love it when I can see that someone has taken care. Definitely some good story telling here and the ability to string words together.

I'm headimg out of town and have made vague promises about disconnecting and staying off the internet -- so it may be a while before I get back to you with feedback.

Cheers -- and welcome to the forum.
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