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Old 11-05-2012, 11:36 AM
Lewdog (Offline)
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Default Movie Treatment


I know this is very raw, and I don't have an updated of Microsoft Word on this computer. Try to take it for what it is and imagine the finished product. When the treatment mentions entertainers, it could be ANY entertainer, I just put names in place instead of leaving it open.

I'm not really sure about a title yet. I was thinking "Saved" would be a good title but it has already been used a few times. I think I need a catchy title that shows a little more that it is a comedy. Maybe something with Divine it where it can serve as a pun between biblical divine and like Divine as in a stripper/porn actress' names.

The first scene opens in a dimly lit sound studio where after some panning shows a director talking to a male actor and an actress in a hot tub. The three are going over the upcoming scene and what positions they are going to use. The director yells for the crew to get ready to start filming. The two actors begin talking and kissing as the director prompts the lighting guy to move in closer...closer...then suddenly the crew member slips and drops the light into the tub. A few electrical sounds and the building goes pitch black.

The next scene opens in a monastery with students walking throughout the old castle like structure. Next scene opens with the former porn star walking into his mentor's office. The mentor calls to Richard to have a seat. The mentor explains to Richard that has done very well since coming to the monastery and that he believes he is ready to take his talents to the outside world. He has heard that there is a church in a small town in Indiana that is is in need of a Preacher. Unfortunately the church's former preacher swindled the church out of all it's savings and the church is in a dire financial situation. So they not only need a preacher but they need one that can help save the church from being shut down.

Next scene is in a small town outside a beautiful brick church and Richard walks through the front door. After entering the church he is directed to a waiting room where there is another man sitting with legs crossed. Richard is told to have a seat and that he would soon be called to interview with the deacons of the church. Richard sits down next to the other man and offers to shake his hand while introducing himself. The man shakes his hand and greets him, but quickly grabs some hand sanitizer out of his pocket to use while talking. The other man is named Roger, and is a local that is also interviewing for the Preacher's position. While Roger is in doing his interview, Richard walks around a bit and looks at some of the pictures, statues, and the bulletin board trying to get an idea of what kind of town it is. Richard then gets called in for his interview with the deacons and answers all their questions. After the interview the deacons tell Richard that they will make a decision that night and that they will let him know in the morning. The direct Richard to a little old lady that has a room he can stay at for the night.

Richard goes to the little old ladies house where he meets the town gossiper and unofficial mayor Jeanette. She's a sweet little old lady on the outside but she knows everyone's business. She tells Richard about a little restaurant in town that he should try for dinner and that it would be a great way for him to meet people in town and get a feel for what he is getting himself into.

The next scene shows Richard walking through town and people being really friendly to him and he enters a restaurant. Richard meets some of the locals before heading back to the boarding house for the evening.

2 weeks go by and it's a beautiful Sunday morning. Today is Richard's first day as the church's new Preacher. He thinks the best thing to do on his first day is to have a town hall meeting to get a firm grasp on the state of the church and get some ideas on how to fix the problem. So they have a town meeting where Richard finds out that the prior preacher had stolen all the church's money and took off for the Caribbean. Now the church is left with a loan about to go into default from where they had done renovations. That's when they decide to have a brainstorm on ways to raise money for the church. The first idea that comes up is a car wash since it is in the middle of the summer time. A committee is set up to organize the car wash and Richard says he would like to be part of it. In fact he says he wants to take an active role in all the fund raisers. A meeting is set up for the following Tuesday to set up the car wash.

It's now Tuesday night and the committee for the car wash convenes at the church. Despite all the conservative ideas on what to do, Richard is adamant that in order to make money it has to be a bikini car wash. The other members of the committee are shocked but Richard tells them it is crucial to listen to him (in a goofy way) because they have to get some money coming in fast or they are going to lose the church. So they all agree. A flier is put up on the church bulletin board looking for volunteers to help with the car wash...though it doesn't say anything about bikinis.

The next scene opens up on a sign that reads "Bikini Car Wash Here Today!" with an arrow pointing to a local parking lot. As the camera pans in there are 70 and 80 year old women in one piece swim suits washing a car. You can see drivers pulling up then seeing the old women and turning around. Then you see and old man pull in on his scooter. While he is waiting in line you see him get on his phone. Richard is starting to worry because the car wash is going very slow and the church is probably losing money instead of making it. The old man on the scooter is standing next to Richard watching the old ladies wash his scooter and leans over to him to say, "Great idea Preacherman. We needed something like this in this boring old town! You guys will have a line out the road once all my friends from the retirement home get here." The old man sticks a $20 in the church jar and blows a kiss to the old ladies as he drives away.

The following Sunday everyone is at the church and Richard unveils a board that shows the church's debt and has notches in it that can filled in as they pay it off. This is the point where Roger, the town local who was passed over for the Preachers job starts to boil over with jealousy and vows to find some dirt on Richard to get him fired. The church decides to put together another committee to find another fund raiser for the church. Richard then begins a sermon about loving your fellow neighbors. There seems to be some new people in the pews of the church and there is some new energy.

The following Tuesday night the committee meets and starts throwing around new fund raising ideas before it is finally settled on having a bake sale. Richard tells the group he has a friend that is a professional baker and that he owes him a favor. He says he will contact him to make some gourmet cookies and cakes that they can sell at the church. Everyone seems pretty excited and start to become friendlier and friendlier with Richard. After leaving the meeting Richard goes to the local restaurant for dinner. A waitress there named Samantha waits on him like she always does. She flirts with him and he enjoys talking to her but he doesn't give off a vibe of more than friendship.

Richard has been staying at the old ladies boarding house since he came to town. Him and the old lady Nelly have developed a great relationship where she treats him almost like a son. She asks Richard about relationship and prods him about if he has a lady in his eyes. He tries to blow off the subject by saying how much he enjoys working for the church, and that it is his life's devotion. He "owes" it to God to spread the gospel.

After a week of advertising the bake sale in the town, on a nice Saturday morning the church sets up a tent out side the church. The same old ladies that includes Nelly are there to sell the cakes and cookies to passers by. At first it seems like sales are going slowly until things start to pick up. Then Nelly becomes curious as to how good the cookies actually are. She buys one and begins to eat it, and as she does, Samantha from the restaurant comes by and sees her. "Oh my goodness do you have any idea what that looks like?" Nelly takes the cookie out of her mouth and looks at Samantha quizzically. The cakes and cookies turned out to be made by Richards friend, a gourmet erotic baker. The cakes and cookies are all in the shapes of different male and female boy parts. Nelly shakes her head and goes on to eat the cookie and make sounds about how good it is.

The following Sunday the church is packed even more than ever. People are happily walking in the door and Richard begins the day by telling the total of sales from the bake sale and complimenting the old ladies on their customer service. The debt board comes out and they change it to show how much money is taken off the loan on the church. Richard makes a request to start an outreach program and another committee is formed to decide the best action. Richard then starts the days sermon about giving and helping out others.

Roger has been looking up everything he can about Richard on the internet and can't find anything when one day he finds something about a Richard Noah Hurr that was in a commercial for Trojan condoms. After looking further into it, he finds that Richard Noah Hurr was actually an adult movie star under the name 'Dick N. Hurr." He can't really find anything about why Richard all of a sudden quit making movies so he finds a movie that starred Hurr and finds one of his co-stars, Bootsy Knockers. After further research he finds Miss Knockers lives in Chicago now and decides to drive up north and find her.

It's now Thursday night and people are meeting up at the church to ride somewhere and do some outreach work for the church. They live in a small town so Preach Richard decides the best thing to do is drive the group in the church van to the next town over which is a little more of a city. After arriving in the city Richard has the idea of going to the poorer side of town because that is where people need the most help. He is adamant about the church giving as much as it gets in help. The van pulls down to the ghetto of town full of liquor stores, pawn shops, bars, and strip club. They all get out and decide to split into two groups with fliers in hand. Humorous times ensue as the two groups enter various places trying to recruit people to come to the church. Richard takes his group into a strip club. Richard goes to the managers office and ask if it's ok to pass out fliers in the club. That's when the manager recognizes Richard from his adult acting days. Richard is stunned and begs the manager not to say anything as this is a new life for him. The manager agrees and tells Richard he is more than welcome to walk around. The old ladies at first are horrified to be in the club but soon are sitting down talking to patrons and dancers alike. The night ends with everyone laughing and sharing 'war stories' on the way home.

The next Sunday the church is absolutely packed. The donation tray is over flowing and there are even some people from the outreach trip in the pews. Strippers are taking money out of their bras to put in the collection plate, and the old men can't keep their eyes off of them. Biker looking guys covered in tattoos and long beards give up seats to old ladies and act like pure gentlemen. Richard greets al the new people of the church and starts a sermon on Not reading a book by its cover. During the meet the Preacher line after service Nelly asks Richard what the next step is for raising money for the church, and offers to bring the committee together again. Richard tells her not to worry about it, he is going to make a phone call to a friend, he already has an idea.

Richard goes to the local restaurant for dinner and Samantha takes the time to ask him about his past love life, his future plans, how great he is doing at the church...just kind of some background stuff. She is kind left wondering because he really won't talk about where he is from and things like. He is kind of a mystery.

Roger arrives in Chicago where he finds out Bootsy Knockers works at a local strip club. He goes to the club and is totally freaked out about how gross it seems to him. Roger is a total germaphobe. He asks about Bootsy and is told that she is back stage and will be coming out to do her set in a few minutes. Unfortunately for Roger the coffee he bought at the tiny gas station on his way to Chicago is hitting him hard and he goes into the clubs men's room. He goes into the stall where thank goodness they have toilet seat paper rings and automatic flush toilets. So he pulls off one of the rings and sits it on the toilet and turns around to pull down his pants and sit down. When he does the toilet senses him and flushes taking the paper ring down the toilet. Roger sees this and turns around to put another ring down. He turns around to pull his pants...same thing, flush and the ring is gone. After about 5 minutes of hilarious attempts to keep the ring from flushing down the toilet, he realizes if he just tears the middle out of the ring and nothing is touching the water, it won't flush down. Roger finally comes out of the restroom he sees Bootsy is on stage. He walks up to her and ask if she knows Richard, she acts dumb...he gets it and asks if she knows Dick N. Hurr....that's when she says yes and he asks if they can talk. She tells him if he buys a champagne room dance she will talk to him no problem. After she gets down from the stage they go into the champagne room where she tell the story of what happened. She explains how after accident Richard didn't die but became impotent and thought it was a sign from God. So he left the film industry and went on to study to be a Preacher. Roger asks Bootsy if she will make a trip with him...she agrees but only for a fee.

So the next Sunday people start to enter the church and there is lights all of the place and film crew and everything. Richard starts the sermon by explaining that he has a friend in the film industry and that he thought it might be good for the church to try having a televised weekly sermon. He also explains that his friend has set it up to have weekly guests to come sing. The first week they are having Snoop Dogg. Richard once again greets the even bigger crowd in the church and thanks everyone for giving so freely. The church is inching closer and closer to paying off their debt. Snoop Dogg begins the sermon with a song...through out the song the director takes some liberties to film in hip hop style way, but the older church members have no clue.

Through out the week there is a huge buzz in the city about how popular the church has become and how great of a job Richard has done to church the around. Richard has become the most popular man in town. Finally after some encouraging, Richard goes out on a date with Samantha where they have dinner and end up walking through the town at night. He shakes her hand at the end of the night.

Come Sunday the church has been transformed into some kind of lights show. The guest singer for this week is famous funk singer George Clinton. Things get started when all of a sudden Roger walks in with Bootsy Knockers and yells for everyone to stop what's going on. He then goes on to tell everyone how big of a sinner Richard is and offers up as proof Bootsy as his witness. Richard looks at Bootsy and waves and ask how she has been. He then goes on to admit Roger isn't telling a lie and explain what happened. The church congregation is kind of stunned but no one says anything as Richard walks off stage and leaves the church.

That night Richard is sitting in his room when Nelly and Samantha knock on his door. He lets them in and they start asking him why he kept his past to himself. He goes on to say how he thought no one would take him seriously as a preach if they knew he used to be an adult film star. They then comfort him and lead him to the window. As he looks out, the whole church congregation is out there holding a candle light vigil. Then he sees Roger and Bootsy pushing through the crowd up to the front...Roger yells out to Richard he is so sorry for what he has done. He was so blinded by jealousy that he forgot that the church was more important than any single person. He hoped that Richard would forgive him. He goes on to tell Richard that if it wasn't for Richard, he would have never met the new love of his life, Bootsy. Richard then asks what it all means. "Does this mean you still want me at the church?" The crowd all yells out and cheers in agreement. Nelly then goes to the door and tells Richard she is going down stairs because Samantha and him have some 'talking' to do. Samantha then asks Richard if it is true...Richard ask what she is talking about. She asks if it is true he has been impotent all these years, and Richard tells her yes. She then reaches over and gives a big kiss, and suddenly Richard pushes her away and Samantha asks what is wrong. Richard says, "Not anymore."

The next Sunday they are having yet another glitzy sermon with yet another big name group, Areosmith, when the director sees Roger and Bootsy snuggling on the side. The director approaches him and asks if he has done movies before...Roger tells him no and the director tells him he has this new movie that would be PERFECT for him. The director hands him a card and tells him to call him. The movie ends with a good song. The End.

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  #2  
Old 11-06-2012, 02:12 AM
TheSummerSon (Offline)
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Very unusual. And dare I say a tad difficult to read as you're imagining things that we cannot and so will see it differently. I was confused by the ending a little, so did he stay or leave?
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Old 11-06-2012, 08:16 AM
Lewdog (Offline)
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Originally Posted by TheSummerSon View Post
Very unusual. And dare I say a tad difficult to read as you're imagining things that we cannot and so will see it differently. I was confused by the ending a little, so did he stay or leave?
He stayed, and was for the first time since his accident, was able to have sex with his girlfriend. Some might find it offensive that he had sex out of wed-lock, but the having sex part is left for to the viewer, it's not actually 'in' the movie. The way the two actors react to the kiss is supposed to lead the view to assume they do so.

The movie has more complications to it, than some might first see. There is one main theme, being that if you don't know someone's history to prejudge them, than you might be surprised who you might like, or dislike. The way the Preacher turns this little church around points out that despite, the Preacher's past which was pretty far from living a bible like existence, that he could be kind, loving, and helpful life within the confines of the church. The presumed antagonist of the story Roger, shows that just because people know so much about the bible, it doesn't make you a good person. That there can be a seedy underside to even people who profess a life of living for God. Lastly, the cycle of life that Roger once embraced as faithful church goer, has no been changed by the types of places and people he met while trying to dig up dirt, to a more open minded individual that can better understand and sympathize with people he could only see as lowlife individuals he labeled before.

I hope that helps.
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Old 11-07-2012, 08:24 AM
Grimmly (Offline)
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Rather wordy. A little more defining will help. Show not tell. But other than that I like it.
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Old 11-07-2012, 01:51 PM
Lewdog (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Grimmly View Post
Rather wordy. A little more defining will help. Show not tell. But other than that I like it.

This is actually the first treatment I had ever written. I have read treatments, but when faced with trying to put to put to paper what is in your head you continue to hit places where you are deciding what is an important detail and was isn't. I think that is what makes it so wordy. It's hard for the average movie goer to understand how many small details define a character, and how they need to be incorporated through out the movie without being so blunt.
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Old 11-07-2012, 03:17 PM
Rooster Smith (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Lewdog View Post

I'm not really sure about a title yet. I was thinking "Saved" would be a good title but it has already been used a few times. I think I need a catchy title that shows a little more that it is a comedy. Maybe something with Divine it where it can serve as a pun between biblical divine and like Divine as in a stripper/porn actress' names.

I'd go with the second one. Sounds cool.


It's now Tuesday night and the committee for the car wash convenes at the church. Despite all the conservative ideas on what to do, Richard is adamant that in order to make money it has to be a bikini car wash. Hell yeah!!! Other wise what's the point? I could wash my own car ... The other members of the committee are shocked but Richard tells them it is crucial to listen to him (in a goofy way) because they have to get some money coming in fast or they are going to lose the church. So they all agree. A flier is put up on the church bulletin board looking for volunteers to help with the car wash...though it doesn't say anything about bikinis.

The next scene opens up on a sign that reads "Bikini Car Wash Here Today!" with an arrow pointing to a local parking lot. As the camera pans in there are 70 and 80 year old women in one piece swim suits washing a car. I'm guessing someone was too embarresed to turn the old ladies away but not embarressed enought to call off the car wash? You can see drivers pulling up then seeing the old women and turning around. Not me, I'd be way too curious to see how they could make it work. Then you see and ( an old man. Not and old man. ) old man pull in on his scooter. While he is waiting in line you see him get on his phone. Richard is starting to worry because the car wash is going very slow and the church is probably losing money instead of making it. The old man on the scooter is standing next to Richard watching the old ladies wash his scooter and leans over to him to say, "Great idea Preacherman. We needed something like this in this boring old town! You guys will have a line out the road once all my friends from the retirement home get here." The old man sticks a $20 in the church jar and blows a kiss to the old ladies as he drives away.

It would be more dramatic if they just showed up. Then you could have the old man say something like that after business is jumping.



Roger has been looking up everything he can about Richard on the internet and can't find anything when one day he finds something about a Richard Noah Hurr that was in a commercial for Trojan condoms. After looking further into it, he finds that Richard Noah Hurr was actually an adult movie star under the name 'Dick N. Hurr." Nice. I would have gone with Ken Stiffy JR. He can't really find anything about why Richard all of a sudden quit making movies so he finds a movie that starred Hurr and finds one of his co-stars, Bootsy Knockers. Even better. After further research he finds Miss Knockers lives in Chicago now and decides to drive up north and find her.

.
This was a hard read. Very boring. But not because of the story or the storytelling.

It was boring because it was a movie pitch. you got some good ideas but I encourage you to actually CRAFT a tale next time. Actually bring something to life.

You already did the hard part, this story has strucuture. All you gotta do is sit down and start typing, that's the easy part.

You could also write up a script, J Michale Strazynski ( can't spell that ) the guy from babylon five has a great book on writing for the screen. You could probably get it online or at a library.

They have a script section for these forums.

But I think you got good story telling chops, just need to craft it.
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Old 11-07-2012, 03:31 PM
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Thanks, this is actually an idea I made up all in one night while tossing in turning in bed unable to sleep. Hard to believe huh? Some parts of this idea I had a guy that worked as a stand up comedian that helped me tie in things I had never thought of before. Like how the protagonist goes from porn star to holy man, and the antagonist goes from holy man to porn star, a full cycle.
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Old 11-07-2012, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Lewdog View Post
Thanks, this is actually an idea I made up all in one night while tossing in turning in bed unable to sleep. Hard to believe huh? Some parts of this idea I had a guy that worked as a stand up comedian that helped me tie in things I had never thought of before. Like how the protagonist goes from porn star to holy man, and the antagonist goes from holy man to porn star, a full cycle.
Yeah it could be interesting. the important thing is to keep banging away at it consistantly.
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