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Old 05-22-2017, 09:17 AM
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Natalie felt deliriously happy below the smiling, craggy moon and its balefire through the window that lit up the draperies. James had just kissed her goodnight two minutes ago and had already fallen into a restful coma next to her. She felt as though she could stay awake for the rest of her life, remembering the magic of climaxing with James’ cock deep inside of her. It seemed as if there would be no end to her era, the greatest epoch she’d have to hold dear for all of eternity. Death was a joke. Time was ineffectual. Even then, she knew somehow what that meant, and what it meant for her.

“Nat?”

It was morning and Natalie had fallen asleep.

“I made you breakfast, dear,” said James.

Natalie grinned at the french toast, orange punch and grapefruit slices.

“Don’t look at me! Ack!” she mumbled while glancing into the mirror, “I’m all ugly right now. Look at this hair— all disheveled, all over the place. Jesus!” She playfully gave her boyfriend a punch and went to the bathroom to freshen up.

Above the towel, there was a picture of an apothecary. It was a simple image of two children. But they weren’t playing together. They were just holding hands, side by side, just like siblings. A boy and a girl. Natalie always thought of her brothers whenever she saw this picture, both of whom had spent many years out of touch with her. She wasn’t sure if they had spoken to each other for years.

The girl in the picture was wearing a neon skirt and a short jacket. She wanted to wear the clothes. She wanted to meet the artist who painted them like that.

Sighing out of excitation, she went to the bed to get her suitcase for some blush, eyeshadow, and fresh clothes.

“James,” Natalie called when she had finished, “let’s eat together. Did you wait for me?”

“That was fast!” he said, smiling at her with motions towards the kitchen. “Let’s dig in!”

After their breakfast, Natalie asked James to drive her to Newark Airport. During her flight home, James ordered two Asian prostitutes from his dealer. He flogged them after they had serviced him.

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Old 05-22-2017, 06:35 PM
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You are enviously talented chat.

I would like to read something complete from you. I mean, besides the poetry.
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Old 05-24-2017, 06:01 AM
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Hey pretty good here City. My only qualm was the last line. It sounds off. Maybe it would be better:

After their service he flogged them.

Or something along those lines. Otherwise I found potential in Natalie's thoughts on temporality interesting. Definitely something that could be developed beyond mere subversion of her expectations.

Edit: So more specifically about that last line. What didn't work for me was the rhyme between them and him. It rhymes but its too curt. It feels like there aught be another syllable or a pause somewhere something to give it a measure but I feel like you were going for a matter of fact statement as evinced by the preceding line so the rhyme felt out of place.

He flogged them after they had serviced him.

Last edited by bluewpc; 05-24-2017 at 06:07 AM..
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Old 05-24-2017, 08:15 PM
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City?

Chat, yeah

Chit Chat, Mm-Hm (if you're friendly).

But City... that's a whole different ball of baloney.😆
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Old 05-25-2017, 03:51 PM
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lol why City? i get chit-chat. thanks for the reads and advice.
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