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Contest Results l Poetry l Building on Three Words (August 2007)

 
 
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Old 09-03-2007, 04:29 PM
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Default Contest Results l Poetry l Building on Three Words (August 2007)


To have literally chosen words at random, you all did a good job of creating lovely poems out of them. Great job, everyone!

Also, our guest judges this month were Triquediqual and Tau Worlock. Thank you both for your time and input.

Congratulations once again to gary_wagner for winning this month's poetry contest.

gary_wagner 17.3
Denisek 15.8
aelawrence / Voodoo 15.7
Andrew 15.4
jazen 14.10
BlackWolf / _zeb_ 14
knowman / jbcyrus 13.9
chole.spencer 13.3


Originally Posted by BreezyWriter View Post
Member: _Zeb_
Title: My life as a kid
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: There is a feeling of laugher and fun in your poem. I was delighted by the way it turned out. Also I liked the flow giving reason to your poem
Score: 19/20
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Member: knowman
Title: One Day On Pistachio Street
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Despite minor errors the poem was nicely written. Nice flow.
Score: 17/20
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Member: Voodoo
Title: Slowly
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: An underlined thought comes to mind as I read this poem. We are all slaves to life. Its good; indirect, though very thought provoking.
Score: 17 /20
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Member: BlackWolf
Title: Untitled
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: Nice somewhat funny when the word absconded was used I could almost feel the pull. I liked the ending. And for some reason the last part made me think of pea brain. Nicely done.
Score: 17/20
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Member: aelawrence
Title: for the sake of his most august majesty, the king of england
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 6/10
Comments: Though the words were used. The whole thing felt like three different poems in one. Even though the wording was good, none of them gave me any inkling as to the title.
Score: 14/20
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Member: chloe.spencer
Title: untitled haiku
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: A Haiku is the closest I came to the type of poem that was written here. Though a Haiku is a 5 - 7 - 5 syllable. This one reads as a 5 - 5 – 5. I like the way the words were placed.
Score: 17/20
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Member: jbcyrus
Title: “Sleep and Syndrome by Dr. Finnegan”
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: I’d like to call it a free verse yet for some reason this poem reads more like a story. So I thought of settling on narrative poetry.
Score: 14/20
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Member: gary_wagner
Title: The Eyes Have It
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Narrative poetry reaching into the dark side. Powerfully, realistical.
Score: 19/20
-------------------------------------------------------
Member: Denisek
Title: The Liar
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: Interesting use in freestyle. Wonderfully depicting the state of wonder from teenager through too womanhood.
Score: 16/20
-------------------------------------------------------
Member:Andrew
Title: One-Eyed Dreams
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: Wow, intense. Really raw, giving all the thought to this little girl who seemed so neglected. What a great ending.
Score: 19/20
-------------------------------------------------------
Member: jazen
Title: untitled
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: I had a hard time with the repetition, which seemed to make the poem smaller then it actually was. Though at the end it made sense.
Score: 17/20

Originally Posted by aprilrain
Member:_zeb_
Title: My life as a kid

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: This was sad and amusing at the same time. I think it can be a little better, though, especially with the description of the crazy family. Keep writing!
Score: 15/20
_____________________________


Member: knowman
Title:One Day On Pistachio Street

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10

Comments: The tense shift made me stumble a bit, and I think a better rhyming word than "around" would have served you better, but otherwise, a cute poem.
Score: 15.5/20
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Member: Voodoo
Title: Slowly.

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: It took me several readings to grasp what I believe to be the scene being set here, but even now I'm not confident of my understanding. Wonderful choice of words and phrases but they feel loosely glued together.
Score: 16/20
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Member: BlackWolf
Title: Untitled

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: Some of this was clever ("absconded the fortress of sanity") but the rest felt quickly written.
Score: 14.5/20
_____________________________


Member:aelawrence
Title: for the sake of his most august majesty, the king of england

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8.5/10

Comments: The three words were woven in naturally, giving this poem an easy flow. Sad and meaningful on many levels.
Score: 18/20
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Member: chloe.spencer
Title: Untitled
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10
Comments: This has the feel of a haiku, but since haikus follow a 5-7-5 syllable structure, I'm not clear if this was intended. I'm actually impressed that you used all three words in such a short space, and it has meaning and seasonal application. Nice job.
Score: 16.5/20
_____________________________


Member: jbcyrus
Title: “Sleep and Syndrome by Michael Finnegan”
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10
Comments: I feel like I just went on quite the nonsensical mental trip. Not sure where I ended up but it was a fun journey.
Score: 15/20
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Member: Gary_Wagner
Title: The Eyes Have It.
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8.5/10
Comments: Strong imagery and good use of the three words. Another great poem.
Score: 18/20
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Member: DeniseK
Title: The Liar
Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: "Like a peanut pretending to be a pistachio." I liked this line. The anguish of being locked into a vicious circle is evident.
Score: 17/20
_____________________________


Member: Andrew
Title: One-Eyed Dreams
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10
Comments: Some of this flowed well and some of it felt choppy. I think it could be improved greatly with some condensing. It was engaging and heartfelt, though.
Score: 16.5/20

_____________________________
Member: Jazen
Title: Untitled
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: Read aloud, this has a nice cadence to it. The word "absconded" may be a little overused here. Overall, though, I like this.
Score: 16/20
Originally Posted by Triquediqual
Member:_zeb_
Title: My life as a kid

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

Comments:The problem I had with this one was that it lacked in meaning. The idea was clear, but was conveyed in a bad manner. This is because of your bad use of wording that makes it uninteresting to read. The conclusion was sudden and poor compared to the rest of the piece. I liked the idea, but it was masked in a layer of poor wording. Grammar wise, it could be improved a lot, your use of words can be very basic and this is a contributory factor to it. You can improve on this a lot. Keep writing.
Score: 10/20

Member: knowman
Title:One Day On Pistachio Street

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 4/10

Comments: Mechanics wise, it was poor, the Begin in the first stanza is extremely awkward and the repetition of this word in stanza two doesn't help. There was also some punctuation problems with the !. in the last stanza, wasn't nice. The story here lacked in meaning as well and with the poor grammar, makes it worse to read. The forced rhyming in stanza three was cringe-worthy. You use of wording clashed a lot at times especially in stanza one with the Round and Around, didn't seem to fit. There is a good idea behind this though but you need to be careful about your use of tense, grammer, punctuation a lot more. Also in a poem of this poetic form, try to read about meter and rhyme a little more, then it would improve and wouldn't seem so forced. Not bad, but not good. Lack of emotion and good imagery.
Score: 8/20

Member: Voodoo
Title: Slowly.

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: This was quite good. The problem I had was that you didn't think of Breathing. When we read, we need to take steps and can't swallow a large amount of words and understand it's meaning fully. This can be seen in stanza 2. It was original and a nice read with an interesting story while your imagery was very appealing. Nothing much to change really, or advice to give. Well Done, an enjoyable piece.
Score: 15/20

Member: BlackWolf
Title: //No Title//

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 3/10

Comments: I didn't like this one BlackWolf. It had no meaning to me and no imagery. I didn't even find it comical. Mechanics wise, I thought it was awkward and I don't know if the (I know it's not a word) is actually part of the poem or not due to the nature of it. I think this was written in 5 minutes and no real consideration was put into it. I know you can write better than this, so I don't need to advise you on this.
Score: 8/20

Member:aelawrence
Title: for the sake of his most august majesty, the king of england

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: I liked this one a little bit. Your use of wording can be poor at times and you need to understand the use of Syllabic Count as you use too many crappy little words into long sentences which isn't appealing at all. You created good imagery and a little emotion which could be improved. The repetition of "Too" in the first stanza was poor and annoying as well. But it was an enjoyable read here.
Score: 13/20

Member: chloe.spencer
Title: No Title
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 1/5
Overall Impression: 1.5/10
Comments: I didn't find this appealing at all. Short poems can be just as effective as long ones, but this didn't do it for me. I thought it was meaningless, pointless, imagery-less and emotionless. Everything a poem shouldn't be. I gave the impression of 1.5 because of Leaves and Colour absconded.
Score: 5.5/20

Member: jbcyrus
Title: “Sleep and Syndrome by Michael Finnegan”
Mechanics: 2.5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 5/10
Comments: I didn’t like the form, it read too much like a story to be poetic and that took from the poem. I think the idea is strong, but wasn’t poetic enough for me to rate highly of it. It had good ideas and good imagery, tone and emotion. However, I found the form took from each aspect of that and the mechanics and grammar also contributed to this problem.
Score: 10.5/20

Member: Gary_Wagner
Title: The Eyes Have It.
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: I really like this Gary. I think that it was extremely well written and the idea was conveyed in a brilliant fashion. The imagery was especially vivid and it contained so much meaning. I had a few problems though with the Global Warming and “Tanks Rumble from Sea to Sea”, I cannot picture tanks moving from each sea…doesn’t work for me. Apart from that, picture perfect.
Score: 16/20

Member: DeniseK
Title: The Liar
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 6/10
Comments: I also quite liked this one. It was a solid piece, although the problem I had was the repetition, you made reference to the Pimples but repeated it in the second stanza, the same with a few others, that took from the originality for the entire piece. The emotion here was quite good and we can all sense what was supposed to be felt. A good piece.
Score: 14/20

Member: Andrew
Title: One-Eyed Dreams
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 5/10
Comments: I thought the idea was original here as well. However there is way too much repetition here. Daddy and Mommy are at the start and the Sorry’s at the end, makes it frustrating after a while to read. I got really bored half way through and think it’s too long and could be compacted into a neater version that has more effect. Could be much better, but still good.
Score: 11.5/20

Member: Jazen
Title: //No Title//
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 2.5/5
Overall Impression: 4/10
Comments: I think the whole idea is clichéd so a bigger attempt at emotion and imagery is required. I don’t mind the form but it limits what could be a better poem. I think that the use of words could be improved as they are novice like. I also think that you used “Absconded” too much and it became pointless after the first mentioning of it. Could be better.
Score: 9.5/20
Originally Posted by Icarus View Post
Member: _zeb_
Title: My Life as a Kid

Mechanics:4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

While you use maniacal and abscond well, pistachio seems to be thrown in there only for the sake of the requirements. Otherwise, I think there’s something good here, except that’s muddled by the whole thing being disjointed. Also, the division of lines and stanzas seems somewhat erratic.

13/20

*****

Member: knowman
Title: One Day on Pistachio Street

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Made me chuckle but you've got to fix the tense problem.

15/20

*****

Member: Voodoo
Title: Slowly.

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

This sounds nice, especially when read aloud, but it’s hard to grasp as a whole. I think it could be improved if made more concrete.

16/20

*****

Member: BlackWolf
Title: none

Mechanics: 4.5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

The last two lines feel sudden, and pistachio is just out of left field. I do like the made up word – it rolls of the tongue nicely, especially coming after maniacal. However, the rest of the poem doesn’t measure up to the beginning.

15/20

*****

Member: aelawrence
Title: for the sake of his most august majesty, the king of england

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Probably the most natural feeling use of the three required words, so kudos on that. However, I wish you hadn’t used maniacal twice. Very expressive; reminds me slightly of Wilfred Owen’s “Dulce et Decorum Est.” And I love the title.

18.5/20

*****

Member: chloe.spencer
Title: none

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Well, you certainly managed to squeeze all three in a small space! It improves with more than one reading, but I am still not comfortable with the use of maniacal; it seems out of place.

15/20

*****

Member: jbcyrus
Title: Sleep and Syndrome by Dr. Finnegan

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

I was so lost in trying to follow this that I nearly forgot about the three required words. I guess that’s a good thing, and the subject makes it clear we aren’t supposed to understand it all…but it still kind of comes off as a jumbled mess. A fun, jumbled mess, mind you.

15/20

*****

Member: gary_wagner
Title: The Eyes Have It

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

I like the ending of this a lot, but I think maybe some of the rest was a bit superfluous. Otherwise, very well done.

17.5/20

*****

Member: Denisek
Title: The Liar

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

I think there is some missing punctuation here, but otherwise it’s fairly well done. I liked the overall message, too.

16/20

*****

Member: Andrew
Title: One-Eyed Dreams

Mechanics: 3.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

I’ll confess that the length was a serious deterrent for me and I think that this could actually be made more poignant if shortened. Try pruning this into what’s really important. Oh, and use more punctuation.

14.5/20

*****

Member: jazen
Title: none

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

I like the flow of this and some of the repetition. However, absconded was over-used and I like punctuation in my poetry. Fun to read, though.

15/20
Originally Posted by Tau Worlock
Member: zeb
Title: My life as a kid

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: I like the idea here but i have issues with the poem, some of the change in length of the lines interrupted the rhythm for me when reading, and as such it seemed a bit disjointed. The integration of three words was reasonable, though working with the rest of the idea i think abscond could have been used better.

Score: 13/20

__________________________________

Member: Knowman
Title: One Day On Pistachio Street

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: The rhyming is ok in places but not continuously, which disrupts the rhythm slightly when reading. you have a few problems with your language in there, for example
'As a man begin to abscond.'
either have it as 'As a man begins to abscond.' or 'As a man begun to abscond.'

Score: 14/20

__________________________________

Member: Voodoo
Title: Slowly

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 6.5/10

Comments: It reads ok, though i have to say i got lost in places. The vagueness can be good but to much will lose the reader, the three words where all in one part which is ok though i would have like to see them spread out more

Score: 14.5/20

__________________________________

Member: BlackWolf
Title: untitled

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10

Comments: Short, flows well and to the point, my only problem are the brackets and its context. It simply does not fit the mode of the rest of the poem, nor the subject.

Score: 15.5/20

__________________________________

Member: aelawrence
Title: for the sake of his most august majesty, the king of england

Mechanics: 3.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10

Comments: With the exception of a few lines this works well. The brackets are not need, a coma would have done it better i think. The repeat of the maniacal line struck me as odd, the second one feels unnecessary

Score: 15/20

__________________________________

Member: chloe.spencer
Title: untotled

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

Comments: A haiku, i am afraid i am not a fan of these and always have trouble understanding them. That said you did well to get all three words in with so little space.

Score: 12.5/20

__________________________________

Member: jbcyrus
Title: “Sleep and Syndrome by Dr. Finnegan”

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: I am lost here, this read like stream of conciseness to me, definitely odd. Interesting but odd. I did not get all of it but the general theme is obvious enough. At time it felt like two speakers? was that intentional.

Score: 15/20

__________________________________

Member: gary_wagner
Title: The Eyes Have It

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: Nice idea with the eyes, and the general idea, scary how close to reality. Though the uneveness was disorientating

Score: 16/20

__________________________________

Member: Denisek
Title: The Liar

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: How true your words sound

Score: 16/20

__________________________________

Member: Andrew
Title: One-Eyed Dreams

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: long, long but i like the subject, i could nearly see it at times. The teddy bear was a nice touch. but at times it felt like a mish mush of two or three speakers, and parts where repetition, with some polishing this could be great

Score: 15.5/20

__________________________________

Member: jazen
Title: untitled

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: at first glance it seems long, but is actually rather short. the lines could have been longer, and a bit more feeling could have been nice.

Score: 13/20

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  #2  
Old 09-03-2007, 07:11 PM
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Congratulations, Gary! =)

Thank you to everyone who entered, and to the guest judges.

Quite embarrassing to have received the lowest score, but I won't be too disheartened. It was a fun competition, and I enjoyed writing my little poem.
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Old 09-03-2007, 07:22 PM
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Congratulations, Gary. And thanks for second place!
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  #4  
Old 09-04-2007, 09:56 AM
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Thanks, Judges. I appreciate the work you put into these competitions.
  #5  
Old 09-04-2007, 11:32 AM
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Congrats Gary
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Old 09-04-2007, 02:31 PM
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Congratulations Gary, a deserved win once again.
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