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Ptsd

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  #1  
Old 09-20-2015, 02:02 PM
ininify (Offline)
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As sure as light revealed this morning,
soon the daytime met the night.
And as I lie down in my bed,
the darkness lies down by my side.
The darkness wraps it's arms around me
as I choke and try to fight.
I start to push, I run away,
it pulls me back, I cannot hide..

I drag myself out from my room,
and pull the covers to the hall.
Instead of sleeping on that mattress,
I'd rather never sleep at all.
Instead of sleeping in that room
I'll take the ground on which I crawled.
Because there's monsters waiting for me
every time the darkness falls..

As I try to fall asleep,
the darkness follows me once more.
The darkness tries to swallow me,
I yell in panic on the floor.
"I cannot take this anymore,"
I shout while beating mother's door.
"There's monsters everywhere I look,
I can't escape this wretched horror!"

Sure enough my father answers,
"sleep outside so we may rest."
"We can't be troubled by your tantrums,
go and sleep out in the shed."
Though it's dark, and though it's cold,
and though the ground is quite a mess..
At least it's not inside that house,
this shed is where I sleep my best.


Last edited by ininify; 09-22-2015 at 04:51 PM.. Reason: Breaking lines
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Old 09-20-2015, 02:16 PM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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I notice that you seem to write in seven foot lines, not just here but in the last few poems of yours I've read, and that you are not showing us any revision of those that you have had critiqued.

Just sayin' . . .
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Old 09-20-2015, 02:39 PM
ininify (Offline)
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I don't know what a seven foot line is, are you talking about how many words are in the line.. Are you trying to advise me write like this instead?
Word word word word
Word word word
Word word word word
Word word word..
Rather than...
Word word word word word word word,
Word word word word word word word.
And if so, how will this benefit my poetry?
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Old 09-20-2015, 03:22 PM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
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I am just noticing rather than recommending.

I explain poetic feet at length in "A Crash Course in Meter" in "Nine and Sixty Ways – Poetry Tools and Lessons", so I will refer you there rather than write it out again.

http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=55917
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Old 09-22-2015, 04:53 PM
ininify (Offline)
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I've finally got to correcting this poem as well, so it looks more organized now. Thank you for pointing that out.
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