Bella from "Desperate Love"
Alone at home, night after night, week after week, the loneliness and isolation was becoming unbearable. I was in such a dreadful state of mind; I couldn’t even have my daughter around me. I didn’t want her to see the father that she looked up to, in such a condition of despair. Although, this was truly a time when I needed her the most. Kristina was living at her grandmothers, visiting family daily, weekend get-togethers and occasionally seeing friends. Was it so easy for her to continue life with some normality and feeling no pain? With no contact or responses from her, I had no idea of what she was going through or if she was suffering from us being apart. For all I knew, she had completely abandoned me and was moving on with her life.
I had no want or desire to be with another woman, besides Kristina. The bar and club scene was something that no longer appealed to me. I did all that in my younger years and even though those were exciting times, I had no want to ever return there again. The thought of it alone, repulsed me.
In my heart, my future was destined to be with Kristina, but it looked as if she had chosen money and her grandmother’s security over our love. I know that she left out of fear of the financial hardship that was taking place, but that was not a reason to abandon love. Her grandmother ceased the opportunity and swooped in to take advantage of the situation by cutting her off of financial assistance. Financial help that she had become accustomed to over the past few years. Once again, I have to say that, yes money was tight, but we could have survived it by working together.
I had a tremendously hard time accepting that this was the reason Kristina had chosen to leave. It made me feel worthless and that I wasn’t good enough to fight for. I began to wonder if this was my true destiny, to be alone and suffer with the memory of lost love until my final day. I was unable to understand why this happened overnight and I honestly thought we would be together the rest of our lives. Where do I go from here? What do I do to survive this? Will I remain alone and lonely till the day I die? There were so many questions flooding my mind. For the first time in my life, I had no direction to head towards.
Bars and nightclubs were out of the question, yet I began to feel a need know that I was not worthless. I was once a great powerful man but had been stripped of all self worth and confidence and desperately needed to find a way back. I needed someone to talk to, a companion to make me feel alive again. I wasn’t looking for someone to replace Kristina, a rebound girl or a simple one-night-stand. I just needed some sort of human contact, someone to talk with.
My life couldn’t end here, like this, not now. So, in the safety of my home, I started scanning the Internet through websites like “myspace”. I stayed away from the dating websites, that’s not what I was looking for. There was a sense of safety behind the computer. I could look and never had to commit to conversation. I stumbled across the profile of a woman named “Bella”. I found her profile interesting. In the description about her, she wrote of heartbreak and the lifelong search for that someone special. Her profile said she was a hair stylist, specializing in hair extensions and was located in the same town as I. To start up a conversation on “myspace” you first must send a friend request. 99.9 percent of the time, the request is accepted, but that is as far as it goes.
A few days later, Bella accepted my friend request and I had a message from her. Simple with no real meaning behind it, she had noticed that I had a business in town and thought I just contacted her for a banner exchange. We swapped a few simple innocent messages, mostly concerning hair extensions. I knew she was a specialist in the field and thought it would be nice to have her opinion before proceeding with getting mine done. Also, it gave me a reason to talk to someone about something else and take my focus off of Kristina. Not that I wanted to or could even envision it even being possible, I had to find a way to live on past Kristina, if for nothing else, but my own sanity. That or just give up and die, which I was heading in that direction fast.
For the next few weeks, Bella and I sent messages back and forth, never engaging into real meaningful conversation, mostly about Lake Havasu, the fact that we liked the same music and that I was getting hair extensions in a few weeks. I found out that she wasn’t actually living in Lake Havasu, which gave me a greater sense of safety, not having to meet her in person. She had sent me her phone number, but I never called. It was easier for me to type letters than actually have to engage in a conversation with someone at this point.
Due to my business websites, it’s easy to find out information about me. Bella did her research and quickly found my website. One day, I left a comment to my good friend Denise that I had uploaded the first chapter to a book about my life with Kristina onto the website and that she would now where to find it. I wanted her to read it and give me her honest opinion. I greatly valued Denise’ critics because she is a published author and incredible writer. Bella saw the comment and went looking for it on my website, easily finding where I had placed it.
This first writing was a chapter designed solely to get Kristina’s attention and was done with the hopes that she would remember our great love and miss me enough to want to come home. For the longest time, many referred to this first writing as “The Chapter”, which is now “Day of Destiny”. The reason it was called “The Chapter” was because it was the chapter that got so many women’s attention. It did not do what it was intended for but the women who read it found it unbelievable that a man could really love a woman so passionately, let alone, put it into words.
Bella found the chapter on my website and was drawn into it herself as a woman yearning to find a love so powerful. After reading it though, she realized there was no way to my heart and that it still belonged to Kristina. After reading the chapter, Bella had decided to stay clear of me, that I was still in love with another woman and was untouchable.
At the same time, she had found that my profile stated that I was engaged to be married. Bella had at that point decided I could be nothing more than a friend and that she would just look at out meeting as a brief encounter. She had decided that her next message to me would be her final one. Her message said she was sorry for flirting with me because she had recently become aware that I was engaged.
When I received the message, I replied back with, “It’s ok to flirt with me.” I didn’t want to get into a major discussion on the subject, but I informed her that I was not engaged and that we had broken up. Bella still had no intention of writing me any longer after what would be a “Nice to meet you, but goodbye” message. She had read “The Chapter” several times and after showing it to her girlfriend, Karen told her to run, as fast as possible.
What stopped her was, as I was replying to her message, my daughter Kristen came into my room and asked what I was doing. She saw Bella’s profile on my computer screen and started asking all sorts of inquisitive questions. I told her it was just a girl I met on myspace and we were just sending letters back and forth. My daughter who had become very worried about me and knew how distraught I was over Kristina leaving said to me with such innocence, “ Daddy, I don’t want you to grow old and be lonely the rest of your life. You should go out with the Hair Lady.” Even though Kristen was crushed herself over Kristina leaving and wanted nothing more than Kristina to return home, she put her feelings aside and was more concerned about her fathers happiness than her own. What Kristen had said to me was so heart warming; I thought I would share it with Bella. There were no motives behind me telling her what my daughter said, but it touched Bella’s heart.
Bella had informed me she was coming out to Lake Havasu for Memorial Day weekend. Unfortunately, this was the weekend that I would be in California for what would be my time to reinventing myself in hopes of escaping the life that I had lost.
During my time in California, Bella text messaged me a few times, we still hadn’t even spoken to each other on the phone yet, but she was going to a concert that featured a couple of bands from the hay-day of the music we both liked. Her message was short and just said, “Wish you were here to go to the concert with me.” She also said she may stay one more day if I was coming back so she could meet me. I told her I would try.
On my return home, Bella sent me a text that included a picture of her. I have to say, she looked very beautiful and exotic. I replied back with a simple, “Looking Yummy!” As difficult as it was to text while driving, we sent a few messages back and forth and decided to meet up that night. I told her I would be getting in around 11:00 pm. She said give her a call and we would meet up. A few hours later, she sent a text saying it would be ok with her if we met some other time. What I didn’t know was she had been on several dates throughout the weekend and after so much disappointment, she felt she didn’t need to add another to the list.
The thought of going back to an empty house, the home that had become my tomb, was just unbearable. I insisted that we meet that night. I called her as I was pulling into town and just drove past my house. I sent a message informing Bella that I would be arriving at the nightclub that we agreed upon meeting at within fifteen minutes.
Bella was tired and feeling she was just in for another let down, yet she decided to go and meet me anyway. She had been in the hot desert sun all day, climbing out of bed and without freshening up, she threw on some old jeans and a t-shirt, ran her hands through her hair, looked in the mirror and said, “This is all you get Steven.”
She wanted to beat me to the designated location in hopes to see me from her car before going in. She had this preconceived idea that I was a short man and if she didn’t like what she saw, she could just drive away. I went through a different entrance so she missed me going in. I text her to inform her that I was there and said I would be on the patio. As she walked through a massive sea of people, she got her first glimpse of me standing in the doorway with my back to her. As she approached, she stopped within a few feet of me, my back still turned to her, she clinched her fists, stomped her feet and said to herself in approval, “Damn it! I should have taken a shower.” Walking up from behind, she gently tugged my hair and as I turned, she smiled and said, “Hi Blondie.”
Neither of us were partiality fond of the loud bar atmosphere, so we decided to walk outside and sit on a grass-covered hill overlooking the water. We sat there for hours talking. Even though I looked good and felt better about myself, I tried to hide what was really going on inside me. I had made the physical transformation but was having a difficult time hiding the pain within. Bella later said that she was so attracted to my warm heart and had never seen so much pain in a mans eyes before. I couldn’t hide the pain and she began to ask questions. It didn’t take me long before I was able to open up and tell her of the suffering my heart was being subjected to.
Bella was able to completely sympathize with what I was going through. Bella herself had been suffering for over eight months with the same struggle to continue living after losing what was thought to be “The love of a lifetime.” She went back to her friend Karen’s to get some sleep, but we decided to see each other again later that day. We both found something in each other that was comforting and were both in desperate need of someone to talk to. No games, no need to impress the other in an attempt to just “Hook up”. Something different was taking place, the need for compassion by someone that truly new what “lost love” pain feels like, a friend. Another soul that could really relate to knowing what it is like not to want to live anymore due to being abandoned by the person they loved so whole heartedly. What it is like not being able to breathe without that person in your life anymore.
Bella decided to extend her stay a few days longer. She was touched by my heart and saw that I needed help in dealing with my loss. She understood me and I understood her as she explained her own journey through loving and losing the man she thought was her soul mate.
Three years ago, Bella met a man named Lance who was vacationing from Colorado. At this time, Bella owned a very successful Hair Salon located on the boardwalk below the London Bridge. Bella and Lance established an immediate connection with each other and fell in love instantly. Over the next two months, their love blossomed and the long distance relationship became unbearable. Bella decided to follow her heart and made the decision to move to Colorado to begin her life with Lance. Without hesitation, she closed her Salon, packed it in two large trailers and headed out, never to look back and to be with the man she had fallen so I love with. Bella’s fairytale had come true. After so many years of yearning for that one special love, she had finally found it. Picture perfect in every way possible. In her eyes, Lance was the most beautiful man alive, long blonde hair with the look of a male model. Lance was the proud owner of a successful motorcycle business and helped her in re-establishing her Hair Salon in Colorado. Their home resided in the countryside, a beautiful picturesque cottage hidden within flowing hills. Below the house was a large pond that would ice over and they could skate on during the winter. During the summer months, they would bask in the warmth of the sun and have intimate interludes under the trees next to the pond. The first morning there, Bella felt as if she’d died and gone to Heaven, as she threw open the curtains that revealed a whole new world to her. The ground was covered with snow and wild deer were grazing in the backyard, “Oh! Look how pretty!” she said as she welcomed the life she had waited so long for.
Over the next year Bella and Lance’ relationship continued to bloom as they settled in and worked on building a future together. The romance never faded and grew even stronger with time. Constantly showing affection through love notes and gifts. Bella was content, her heart was filled with love and she planned on spending the rest of her life with Lance. Her goal now was to love, cherish and spoil him for the rest of his life.
Approaching the year and a half mark, Bella began to feel ill. She began feeling tired all the time and needed naps to regain her strength. Both Bella and Lance worked seven days a week and Bella’s need for rest started to upset him. He became irritated with her and began accusing her of being lazy. Bella was scared something was seriously wrong, but kept her pain to herself, she didn’t want to worry Lance and was afraid he would become upset with her. She continued to push herself, when she knew she shouldn’t, to keep him happy. The physical and emotional strain continued to build, as she kept quiet of the increasing pain. Finally, it became unbearable and Bella rushed herself to the hospital. The hospital requested an MRI. Bella was afraid Lance would pull away if he found out she was sick, keeping it to herself, she went to all her doctor appointments alone without Lance’s knowledge. Bella was diagnosed with having Multiple Sclerosis. A serious disease that affects the motor skills and is brought on by stress. At first, Bella kept her disease a secret, but within a few days, as the stress increased and she began to lose the feeling in her feet, she had no choice but to tell Lance.
When Bella received the final results that confirmed she had MS, she brought them home and sat down at Lance’s desk with him to show him that she had become ill. Bella opened up the results, laid them on the table for Lance to see, Bella sat down, put her hands over her face and said, “Oh my God” as tears began to pour out. Lance looked at the results, he showed little sympathy, then walked out of the house.
From that point on, Lance proved to Bella he wanted nothing more to do with her. She was broken goods and his life could not accommodate taking care of someone who had become sick. Within days he made it very uncomfortable for Bella to be in the house with him and it was obvious that he had no sympathy for her. They started sleeping in separate bedrooms and he made it clear that he wanted nothing more to do with her and she needed to leave and find somewhere to live other than with him.
Heartbroken, Bella was forced to leave. The man that had become the love of her life, no longer displayed any feelings towards her. Alone, scared and weak, Bella left what was her dream home with the man she loved, sick, weak and having a hard time walking, she drove to her Salon where she would end up sleeping on the floor for months. Lance rarely checked on her to see if she was all right, before abandoning her completely.
For the next year, Bella remained alone and struggled to work at sell her Salon so she could move back home to Lake Havasu City. She worked daily on recovering from the initial strike of MS, yet the pain of losing Lance was far more painful than the MS itself. After being referred by a good friend, Bella drove to New Mexico by herself and met with a doctor who advised her to use homeopathies, a natural method without the use of drugs as a possible cure. Bella was able to overcome the MS and went into complete remission. She spent the following 14 months trying to understand what happened to such a powerful love, isolated, in a strange town with no friends and miles away from family, she wanted to just end her misery. It became a daily struggle to live from day to day, while looking for a way to sell her Salon and get back home.
Our stories of lost love were different, yet the same and we understood each other, unlike anyone else could. We spent the next few days talking until the early morning hours, helping each other try to understand why the “loves of our life” just up and abandoned us. We were able to sympathize with the others heartache and it was comforting to know someone else could actually relate to the inner agony we were individually subjected to. Two lost souls found one another to save the other.
Bella needed to return to Colorado the next day. It was such a breath of fresh air having someone to talk with that had compassion for what I was experiencing. I hated to see her go and knew I would be right back to my world of loneliness once she left. As the nighttime approached, Bella asked if she could stay the night and not to worry, there would be no sex involved. She just wanted to feel the closeness of another human being next to her again. Hesitantly, I agree and felt I needed the same. One night of not being alone, nothing more than consoling and comforting each other to ease the pain that our lovers have caused us.
We settled in and began drifting off to sleep, Bella laid there thinking to herself, “Steven is such a beautiful warm-hearted man, but I will never stand a chance with him because he loves Kristina so much. I know that after tomorrow, I will never see him again. If I don’t do this now, I know I will be sorry that I never did. He is so special and I just want to feel close to him, just once, even if it is only just for this one night. If I could be close to him just this once, that will be enough for me. His heart is untouchable but he is such wonderful man with a heart like I’ve never seen before. The immense pain in his eyes says it all. His love for her is so deep and true that they will, someday be reunited.” Lance was the love of her life and he was so special to her, Bella never thought a man could ever touch her heart again after him. She saw something special in me and wanted to feel that closeness, to feel like a woman again. “He is so far away and know I can never have his heart, but I know we need each other right now, if only to help each other for a brief moment.” Thought Bella.
We were lying on opposite sides of the bed. I was lying there staring at the ceiling, nervous and scared, with no intention or interest in sex, especially just for the sake of sex. I was confused, this wasn’t right; I had an overwhelming feeling that I was betraying Kristina, yet she was the one who abandoned me. At the same time, I needed to feel wanted and that someone could actually be attracted to me, a lost soul with such a wounded heart.
Bella rolled on her side to face me. We looked into each other’s eyes and she asked in a sincere tone, “Could you please hold me?” I moved over to embrace her. It was an embrace of comfort for each other and to ease the pain of the loves we had lost. We held each other tight, not a sexual or romantic embrace, but an embrace that said, “Help me and let me help you.” After a few minutes we looked at one another and gently kissed each other on the lips. Bella decided at that moment to become forceful, she wanted more and this would be her only chance to get close to me. She pushed for a more passionate kiss, “Stop!” I told her and pulled away. Bella rolled onto her back and the thoughts ran through her wondering if she was being rejected for herself as a woman or if it was because of Kristina. After a few moments of silence Bella requested, “Come here! I want you tonight!”
We each had our own reasons for having sex this night. This was something neither of us had ever experienced before and only a person, who has lost such a tremendous love for another human being, could ever understand, to feel something other than pain. Sex not for love and defiantly not for primal pleasure, but sex to help try and heal two broken hearts.
I was hurting so badly inside, I felt as if my heart had betrayed Kristina in the worst way possible. I would have never cheated on our love for anything or anyone. I hated her at this very moment because she pushed me to this, it was her fault I was here and I was overwhelmed with guilt. She made me do this, yet even though she was the one that walked away from me, I would be the one that blame would be placed on now.
Bella left the next morning to return to Colorado and at this point we were not sure if we would ever see each other again. In so many ways, she saved me by listening to my pleas for help and understanding. She helped me to believe in myself again, that I was truly a good person with a caring heart and that I was special and worth loving. After getting to know my heart, she couldn’t understand herself how Kristina could walk away and just give me up.
Once Bella returned home, she composed a long e-mail explaining why she understood me so well. By helping me she believed she was able to right a wrong that she had made. Bella believes in the “pay-it-forward” philosophy which Lily Hardy Hammond wrote, "You don't pay love back; you pay it forward." Bella’s own interpretation of “pay-it-forward” is crossed with Karma and the Laws of Attraction. By helping me through my pain, she had earned her wings and could forgive herself for the pain that she caused someone else. Unaware of it at this time, I too was able to save Bella in many ways, to give her hope and that she could go on living.
Bella had met her first love, Gregg at the young age of thirteen. They stayed to together throughout their teens, never straying and married when she turned nineteen. Best friends and lovers, they remained married for ten years. Gregg was everything she could ask for, loving, very attentive, a good kind man and treated her with the utmost respect. Gregg loved her dearly, with all his heart and soul. They did everything together and enjoyed each other’s company.
Gregg was the only man Bella had ever been with. Shortly after their 10th wedding anniversary, she began to feel different, she loved Gregg and although they were perfect together, she was hurting inside and mentioned that she was having a few regrets that she never was or able to experience what it is to be single. In Bella’s own words she explained, “Shortly after our 10 year wedding anniversary, I felt I would regret him if I didn't leave to see what the outside world was like. I had to tell him and felt he would understand. When I told Gregg I needed to leave, I knew I would break his heart and I did. I had never in the 16 years we were together ever see him cry, until I told him I needed to do this. I felt if I didn't and I was 60 I would always wonder, “what if?”
“It killed both of us and we just held each other,” continued Bella. “I couldn't even look into his eyes. I kept my head down while I was telling him. Once I was done, he put his hand under my chin forcing me to look into his the eyes. He said, " I was always afraid of this because we found each other so young." You do what it is you need to do. If ever you need me, I'm here for you.” He then kissed me on my forehead and placed his house keys in my hand.”
“I hurt him so badly but had to do this,” explained Bella. “It was a very selfish act yet I knew in my heart, I had to do it. Even after all the years that have past, I am still haunted by the visions of the pain in his eyes when he made me look up at him. I never wanted to repeat seeing that pain ever again in a man. I was forever letting Gregg know how sorry I was for hurting him and I wished I could make his pain go away, yet I couldn't go back. Now, once again, I saw this same pain in Steven's eyes from the suffering Kristina caused him to endure. A pain so deep that it creates a vast wound to the heart and soul, a gash that time itself may never be able to mend on its own. Immediately, the visions of the pain I caused Gregg resurfaced. When I saw Steven’s pain that Kristina had caused him, the very same pain I inflicted on Gregg, I was compelled to help him, to save his heart from eternal torment. I felt that by helping Steven, I could earn my wings and forgiveness for hurting Gregg. If I could save Steven, It would be an awesome "feel good, “pay it forward” act of love for another human being, and I would feel I made a “wrong a right.”
Preview Chapter from “Desperate Love”
Forever "Desperate Love"
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