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Hold the Curtain!

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  #1  
Old 11-11-2006, 02:28 PM
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Default Hold the Curtain! v1 and v2


g

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Riverstones let the water flow around them.


Last edited by riverstone; 04-08-2007 at 05:43 PM.. Reason: Response to crit
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Old 11-11-2006, 02:38 PM
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This type of piece works better in third person, I think.
"awhile" > "a while"

Have you considered Dragon Naturally Speaking? It is software that lets you dictate. It is especially interesting in that the homonyms it produces are often more interesting than the word you spoke. I have a number of pieces I have written using that software, when my arthritis was beating me down, with interesting results.
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Old 11-11-2006, 02:43 PM
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WOW!!!
(yelling, loud)
ridecaptainride

go lone ranger
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Old 11-11-2006, 05:07 PM
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I've focused on the line: this is the only poem I can write. This is profound and says many things. When the Voice and her Muse takes you, is there not only one possible poem that can be written at that time and place?

Regarding riverwriter's comments on DNS. I've used the software before and it works well. There is also something revealing in saying the poem out loud. Poetry is, as I'm sure you know, a spoken medium first and foremost. The other tool is Text to Speech which sometimes produces surprising results when reading a poem.
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Old 11-11-2006, 06:36 PM
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Thank you for your ideas. We used to use Parrot which was excellent but has not been kept up-to-date with current system software. Then I tried the built-in feature in Windows and it kept having to be re-trained and did not work very well at all. I have not tried DNS since it failed to record properly many years ago. I will have to try the updated software now.

I have been working with a new physical therapy program this year, hoping to get to the hands but because of the surgery, we had to start over from the beginning so getting to the hands and arms is still months away. But the positive side is that since the surgery, the muscles that the physical therapist releases, stay released instead of going into full spasm again. There are just so many muscles to work on and I only get to see her once a week. Patience in the face of all this time passing me by is difficult.

Again, thank you for the ideas. It is so kind of you.
Kit

Oh - and for me, there are times when I can only find one poem, one set of words that is not what I desire to write at that time but all that comes to me. I could choose not to write it but that would be accomplishing nothing at all. Accepting that these poems have some value even if it is only to spark comments from friends about their own limits, is part of valuing myself inspite of my limits.
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If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.


Last edited by riverstone; 11-11-2006 at 06:40 PM..
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Old 11-12-2006, 05:31 PM
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really good Kit
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Old 11-12-2006, 06:22 PM
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Thank you Maylet. And now I have a third version that is even shorter - I need a logo that is a pair of sharp scissors! But what color should the handles be? mmm....
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If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.

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Old 11-14-2006, 04:45 AM
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I definitely like the third person version better. Glutes is one of those words that jumps out at you which might make it a bad choice to use twice. It also might have been nice to bring the magician analogy in a little sooner even if it is with a single word or phrase that later ties it to magic.
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Old 11-14-2006, 06:21 PM
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The third person poem is much stronger. I'd stick with that one. But boy....do I KNOW the feeling! Good poem.
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Old 11-14-2006, 06:35 PM
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Thanks for the crit! My sister likes just the last 5 lines, but I like to include some of the physical to say - yup, we all have some of this after a certain point in life. But I keep making it shorter and shorter!
Thanks again
Kit
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If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.

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