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As I Lay Dying

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Old 01-07-2016, 11:07 AM
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Default As I Lay Dying


As I Lay Dying
Life seems so transient
So trivial
What's the point?
My family's gone
Nothing left but pictures
And they'll be tossed
Those pictures aren't me
They never were me
I have a son
He'll get my money
As I got my parents' money
It's such a stupid world
And I don't regret leaving
But I'm not really leaving
Because I'm not going anywhere
I'm simply ceasing to exist
As a biological entity
My remains will be buried
In the veterans cemetery
There'll be a small cross
Which is also absurd
Because I'm not a Christian
No one is
I believe in nothing
Except that I Lay Dying
Shortly I won't believe that
Darkness
Death
Nothingness

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Old 01-07-2016, 01:44 PM
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"nothingness".....that's about it, but at least we're useful if we're buried and have our nutrients filtered into the earth to feed the life that'll sprout out of it. You never know, a bit of you might grow a tree?

Funny that you end your piece with nothingness. I've got one on death and end with the same word.
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Old 01-08-2016, 03:17 AM
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As a piece, I presume, to be charged with emotion it lacks one vital ingredient: emotion. You need to relate to the reader what is down there in the depths, search for it under stones, see what’s buried in the dust. This pond skimmer doesn’t hold together with the subject matter.

Also, that more or less each line is a mini statement, doesn’t help your cause and hampers the fluidity of thought. Key word here is: enjambment, or in the case of this offering, total lack of.



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