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Some mangnificence

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Old 08-26-2018, 08:24 AM
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"Oooh," squealed Fanando as he swirled, twirled and whirled to the music.
Sammy the Lover clapped his hands excitedly. "Oooh Fanando, Oooooh," drawn out like a poorly tied baloon, "keep dancing! Keep dancing"

Alas the dance was not funny for long, because the omniscient voice saw a figure approaching. The doors parted and he entered. He looked like excrement, a literal pile of excrement, he spoke in incontinents and vowels. Yet there was something about those smouldering eyes that attracted Fandango.

"Hi little shit man, do you come here often?" asked Fandango or whatever the fuck his name is.

He was immediately slapped by Sammy the Lover. "How very dare you!"

So my immediate question is, are you hooked? How can I improve this start? Is it nearly there, or is more work required?


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Old 08-26-2018, 09:35 AM
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Give us a bit more.

Its interesting so far, but mostly because I want to see if the narration and description will pull through or need to be flushed.

Like the use of untrustworthy narrator. Read an article about that, the first fifty words were just hernia repeated over and over again haha.

Post a bit more chunk please
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Old 08-26-2018, 09:38 AM
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Hoping Sammy will roll his eyes and tell Fandango

"You can't dance for shit"
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Old 08-26-2018, 10:02 AM
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I get the impression that this was a three minute ad lib for CS and not a real story about which he gives a shit. Youíve been duped by a creative hurricane.
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Old 08-26-2018, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
I get the impression that this was a three minute ad lib for CS and not a real story about which he gives a shit. Youíve been duped by a creative hurricane.
How very dare you!
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Old 08-26-2018, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
I get the impression that this was a three minute ad lib for CS and not a real story about which he gives a shit. Youíve been duped by a creative hurricane.
duped...no - entertained...yes
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Old 08-26-2018, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
duped...no - entertained...yes


Agreed. I may just be projecting my own creative hurricane onto CS, and be eager to see him staple his down so I donít have to.
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Old 08-26-2018, 10:09 AM
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At least its a post for comments, whether sincere or not heh
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Old 08-26-2018, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Agreed. I may just be projecting my own creative hurricane onto CS, and be eager to see him staple his down so I don’t have to.
Chin is more twister than hurricane - you just get swept up and spun around...a literary fairground ride,if you will
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