WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


My attempt at Noir Crime Thriller

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 08-26-2018, 10:17 AM
Chinspinner's Avatar
Chinspinner (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,317
Thanks: 204
Thanks 230
Default My attempt at Noir Crime Thriller


"Oh Christ, Oh Jesus Christ, Oh Christ No," muttered Talisker. He wiped the burgeoning drops of sweat from his forehead onto his shirt sleeve, gathered himself and stood, slowly, achingly.

"Everything alright, boss?" asked Trevor the Destroyer.

"Does it look alright?" Talisker shouted. His misshapen eyes explored Trevor the Destroyer, up and down and back up again, and then down, and up. Down again.

Trevor the Destroyer grasped the sword of vengeance, not daring to draw it, yet fearing the wrath of Skeletor.

"I knew her," said Talisker. He corrected himself, " I used to know her." He turned away and swept his palm across his eyes.

Is this one working?


Last edited by Chinspinner; 08-26-2018 at 10:19 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-26-2018, 10:26 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,980
Thanks: 2,275
Thanks 1,269
Default

I can't take Skeletor seriously since the sooo Money Supermarket.com commercial.

They've replaced him and Thor with gay action man.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-26-2018, 10:29 AM
Chinspinner's Avatar
Chinspinner (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,317
Thanks: 204
Thanks 230
Default

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
I can't take Skeletor seriously since the sooo Money Supermarket.com commercial.

They've replaced him and Thor with gay action man.
Does Mamra the Everliving work better?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-26-2018, 10:59 AM
daes13's Avatar
daes13 (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: At 1040 MPH... So I'm not sure
Posts: 1,653
Thanks: 418
Thanks 422
Default

Too much Hasbro not enough Dashiell Hamett
__________________
I'm just bored. Slinging the first thought that comes to mind, which is often poor advise.

Courtesy of BP
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-26-2018, 11:19 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,980
Thanks: 2,275
Thanks 1,269
Default

Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
Does Mamra the Everliving work better?
Nooo, because now I can hear Phil Collins wailing Mamra..Mamra..Mam. ..raa..uh you've taken away my last chance...

Dig deep
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
Chinspinner (08-26-2018)
  #6  
Old 08-26-2018, 11:26 AM
Chinspinner's Avatar
Chinspinner (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,317
Thanks: 204
Thanks 230
Default

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Nooo, because now I can hear Phil Collins wailing Mamra..Mamra..Mam. ..raa..uh you've taken away my last chance...

Dig deep
I LOVE that tune. LOVE IT!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-26-2018, 11:29 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,980
Thanks: 2,275
Thanks 1,269
Default

Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
I LOVE that tune. LOVE IT!
That's not the point - as a reader, you lost me. Too busy rummaging around for my No Jacket Required CD...

Next!
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-26-2018, 11:41 AM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Still Clicking!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 5,581
Thanks: 442
Thanks 1,232
Default

This ones a bit too homo-erotic for me, but the writing is great. The natural dialogue, etc.

Talisker=tally-whacker
Skeletor=bone (need I say more?)
And the Destroyer guy; I assume hes muscular, glistening, and perfectly proportioned?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-26-2018, 11:44 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,980
Thanks: 2,275
Thanks 1,269
Default

QUOTE=brianpatrick;748312]This ones a bit too homo-erotic for me, but the writing is great. The natural dialogue, etc.

Talisker=tally-whacker
Skeletor=bone (need I say more?)
And the Destroyer guy; I assume hes muscular, glistening, and perfectly proportioned?[/QUOTE]

Could we call him Girth The Gargantuan?
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
brianpatrick (08-26-2018)
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
scifi crime thriller thing Nox Fiction 3 12-29-2017 05:46 AM
data dumps, how do you reconize them max crash Writers' Cafe 13 04-05-2016 01:32 PM
Story Idea: Fantasy, Crime and Horror all wrapped in one Reddy Dean Writing Help & Issues 7 07-10-2010 01:51 PM
Crime and Suspense (Mystery) Jay Writing Markets 0 11-02-2006 05:53 PM
Crime Scene Scotland Jay Writing Markets 0 06-15-2006 05:21 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:58 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.