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The Piglet From Whoberry: Safe & Secure

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Old 10-05-2018, 06:50 AM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Default The Piglet From Whoberry: Safe & Secure


Matilda - she exits from
crusty manbun hair faces
You slept with Piglet
whore from Whoberry.

You tickled her milky beetle
clit
She spoke earlier about you.

You babble on the phone about
affairs with BDSM
You scribbled to me quoting
Ive never heard of BDSM,
pigpoos to you too!

Matilda was right: a liar in the
flesh
She meant: No Roald Dahls

You: Charlie
A gregarious church boy with
chocolate factories in skullcaps

You blew it!

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  #2  
Old 10-05-2018, 12:46 PM
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Hello, allow me to preface this in the manner I should preface all critiques... opinions are opinions and if they are not useful, please ignore them.

I think I said in another critique, my preference is for comas and stops.

Matilda - she exits from
crusty manbun hair faces (this is a shadow on a wall for me, I grasp it obliquely.)
You slept with Piglet (interesting)
whore from Whoberry. (also interesting)

You tickled her milky beetle
clit (haha this is an interesting description)
She spoke earlier about you. (like it)

You babble on the phone about
affairs with BDSM (also like it)
You scribbled to me quoting (also, like it- your writing is great here)
“I’ve never heard of BDSM,
pigpoos to you too!”

Matilda was right: a liar in the
flesh (ok, might have lost you here...)
She meant: No Roald Dahls (definitely lost you here... but might be my innocence)

You: Charlie
A gregarious church boy with
chocolate factories in skullcaps

You blew it!

Just read the rest. I enjoyed most of this. It did not work for me in the minutia, but worked overall.
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