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  #61  
Old 09-08-2018, 01:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
Well if you do, the second chapter is causing probs. Cheers Fellah.

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Old 09-08-2018, 01:34 AM
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Last edited by anna; 09-08-2018 at 01:38 AM..
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Old 09-08-2018, 03:19 AM
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Old 09-08-2018, 09:18 AM
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Well, thanks for the photos. That was odd...
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  #65  
Old 09-08-2018, 09:25 AM
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"your tits look amazing," said Thally.

Roommate got them out with that porn expression on her face- like an enraged blow-up doll. "Me stupid."

"me painted moron," responded Thally, "we do porn?"

Thank you Brian for the suggestion.
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  #66  
Old 09-08-2018, 09:44 AM
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Ok, ver very first draft, it is overlong and shitty..

Manatees had once been mistaken for mermaids basking upon rocks. No doubt a rearing bear had been considered a Sasquatch when glimpsed between trees. Even the jacket of her survival suit appeared like a person when hanging from a branch and seen through the grog of sleepiness. She was well aware of the human propensity to see people where there were none.

Thally saw faces in clouds or the configuration of leaves in trees. She heard voices on the wind when there were no voices to be heard. She had even seen signs of agronomy; suspecting fields, long since neglected, where there were, in fact, just natural banks and ditches.

This was why she treated her latest discovery with such scepticism.

The alluvial plain was dry, but the fertile soil had been boggy once. The surface was cobwebbed with cracks, pocked with sparse thickets of grass and covered with a layer of fine dust, which was occasionally whipped by the wind into tiny vortexes, which would quickly destabilise.

Thally was some distance from the polycarbonate canister. It was lost over a rise in the ground, half submerged in a crater of its own making. Distantly the flood plain was hemmed by a line of tall trees with lily-pad leaves and, more distantly still, by a sheer bluff of rock.

She had been startled by a dragonfly, the size of her hand, departing from a scrub of wild flowers. It had danced around her head, tasting the air with its proboscis, before shimmering away towards the river. She had then noticed the series of holes in the ground, a small foot in size and a stride apart. She could imagine something walking across the plain, their foot sucking into the wet mud and then popping free.

She followed them. The owner was bipedal, of that she was sure. She hovered on one leg next to one such footprint and lowered her boot into the hole. It was a snug fit.

They extended in the direction of a sallow range of hills, washed of colour by the reddish sun. They became shallower as they progressed across the plain, until they were a mere depression in the fractured soil. Thally squatted with her forearms resting upon her thighs. She did not trust her own eyes. Her loneliness was such that she was concocting the possibility of companionship. It was the only explanation. Because, for all appearances, the footprint comprised of a series of ridges and depressions usually found on the tread of a boot.

She slumped back onto her haunches and turned one leg over her opposite knee. She inspected her own sole and saw the same pattern. We were supposed to be the first. There were no others before her, only those that followed behind.

This was a dream. She needed to wake from it. Pinching yourself was supposed to do the trick, wasn’t it? Or perhaps that merely determined whether one was dreaming or not. She nipped the skin on the back of her hand between her thumb and forefinger and twisted hard. She released it with a gasp. By this measure she was awake.

If not, if the footprints only existed in the caucuses of her mind, then she would eventually wake up to the most crushing sense of loss.

She remained looking at it for some time, half-expecting it to disappear like a mirage in the desert. She wanted to mark its location. The contorted remnants of a dehydrated sapling were several metres away. She regained her feet and ran to it. Snapping off several dry sticks she returned to the footprint. It was still there. She pressed the sticks into a crack in the soil and weaved a linen bandage around them from her backpack.
Ahead, the plain had been swept clean by the wind and the footprints vanished. The soil was bound in brittle clumps and the vegetation was sparse. On the approach to the hills at the edge of the flood plain it became sandy and had been moulded into a long series of ridges.

Thally studied the path of the footprints. If their owner had continued along the same course they would have entered into those sallow hills. She glanced back towards the capsule. Distances were deceptive over this wide alluvial plain. It must be several kilometres away now. This was the furthest she had yet explored.

A moment of indecision and she set out towards the hills.
The wind picked up. It swept through the valley. The trees up-river bowed their rubbery trunks and their large leaves whipped in circles. The distant grasses swayed before prostrating against the ground. Those tiny vortexes of wind played around her, almost balletic in their movement. She combed her hair away from her forehead and it immediately flounced around her face. It was not yet long enough for a pony-tail. She could taste the wind-born soil with each inhalation.

She picked up her pace towards the rocky ground.

“Where are you, Thally?” It was Talisker.

She dipped the transmit button.“There’s a storm building, get back home, fast.”

“No time. Where the fuck are you? I'm coming...” The line went dead.

Further up the valley the sandy soil lifted into the air and contorted into eddies and swirls, gradually growing in height and density. The view beyond was soon obscured by a mist of dirt. It drew its veil over the place she knew the capsule to be and steadily approached.

Thally ran. Her feet dug into the sand, arresting her forward momentum. She compelled herself sluggishly onwards as the dust storm came ever closer. The vortexes grew in size and ferocity. The soil stung her exposed face and hands. The world darkened as she stumbled blindly for the hills. She could feel grass beneath her feet. A clump hooked her ankle and threatened to send her sprawling to the ground.
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  #67  
Old 09-08-2018, 10:03 AM
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... great to read, I guess there are details within any big picture, nothing wrong with II, enjoy the process and resist overthinking ... shrugs

nice to watch work in progress, thanks for posting

Last edited by anna; 09-08-2018 at 10:06 AM..
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  #68  
Old 09-08-2018, 10:06 AM
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Talisker turned her onto her back, she was aware of this much. His rifle was slung about his neck and poked her ribs.

"I'm awake," she said groggily. "I saw footprints." Yet the latter went unheard.

Instead Talisker said "ooh my petty four you look good for eating" and turned into a werewolf or something.
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  #69  
Old 09-08-2018, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by anna View Post
... great to read, I guess there are details within any big picture, nothing wrong with II, enjoy the process and resist overthinking ... shrugs

nice to watch work in progress, thanks for posting
the first post or the second?
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  #70  
Old 09-08-2018, 10:31 AM
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The problem with sci-fi, is that it has all been done before. Notwithstanding your literary abilities - I think you are flogging a dead horse. Your forte is poetry.
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  #71  
Old 09-08-2018, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Ed Dazere View Post
The problem with sci-fi, is that it has all been done before. Notwithstanding your literary abilities - I think you are flogging a dead horse. Your forte is poetry.
haha thanks for killing my puppy!
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Old 09-08-2018, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Ed Dazere View Post
The problem with sci-fi, is that it has all been done before. Notwithstanding your literary abilities - I think you are flogging a dead horse. Your forte is poetry.
heeeyyy Ed, everything has been done before, every picture, every storyline, poem ... it’s how you enjoy the spinning

@chin it’s all groovy chin, anna off out for the evening, lippy, heals and slinky stuff
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  #73  
Old 09-08-2018, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by anna View Post
heeeyyy Ed, everything has been done before, every picture, every storyline, poem ... it’s how you enjoy the spinning

@chin it’s all groovy chin, anna off out for the evening, lippy, heals and slinky stuff
Have fun fellah!
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  #74  
Old 09-08-2018, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by anna View Post
heeeyyy Ed, everything has been done before, every picture, every storyline, poem ... it’s how you enjoy the spinning


Yeah, it’s the how it happened that’s important, not what happened.

@chin: that little scene was okay, but not quite umm... let’s say deep enough.
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  #75  
Old 09-08-2018, 10:53 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Yeah, it’s the how it happened that’s important, not what happened.

@chin: that little scene was okay, but not quite umm... let’s say deep enough.
lets say.. erm.. explanations, is kinda useful fellah. Christ, do you have to buy advice/ critique here?

EDIT: Sorry, i know Brian is perhaps too nice for his own good, and baiting that is unpleasant.

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  #76  
Old 09-08-2018, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
lets say.. erm.. explanations, is kinda useful fellah. Christ, do you have to buy advice/ critique here?

EDIT: Sorry, i know Brian is perhaps too nice for his own good, and baiting that is unpleasant.


I read the little bit about Tally following the footsteps. That’s not chapter 5 is it? There’s something missing from the end of 4 and the beginning of 5 if so.
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  #77  
Old 09-08-2018, 02:02 PM
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IV

"Oh come on Thally, let us visit the bridge," said Talisker, He abruptly stopped, mouth agape, "who the fuck put this blow up doll in the pilot's chair?"

"I did," said Adeline, and she laughed and laughed and laughed, and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until her face fell off to reveal an evil skull face of death.
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  #78  
Old 09-08-2018, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
IV

"Oh come on Thally, let us visit the bridge," said Talisker, He abruptly stopped, mouth agape, "who the fuck put this blow up doll in the pilot's chair?"

"I did," said Adeline, and she laughed and laughed and laughed, and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until her face fell off to reveal an evil skull face of death.


Nope
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  #79  
Old 09-08-2018, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
Talisker turned her onto her back, she was aware of this much. His rifle was slung about his neck and poked her ribs.

"I'm awake," she said groggily. "I saw footprints." Yet the latter went unheard.

Instead Talisker said "ooh my petty four you look good for eating" and turned into a werewolf or something.


Naw
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  #80  
Old 09-08-2018, 06:57 PM
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You’re just not good at writing these little sex scenes. You somehow have the idea that sex scenes have to be pornography. My kids have this idea too. I suspect it’s because they haven’t had much of it. Kids these days are so disconnected from one another. Even if they are in physical proximity it seems they are always communicating with a device between them. I watched my son talk to a girl who lives down the street from us the other day at a baseball game. 80% of their conversation was a text chat and they weren’t six feet from each other.
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  #81  
Old 09-08-2018, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
You’re just not good at writing these little sex scenes. You somehow have the idea that sex scenes have to be pornography. My kids have this idea too. I suspect it’s because they haven’t had much of it. Kids these days are so disconnected from one another. Even if they are in physical proximity it seems they are always communicating with a device between them. I watched my son talk to a girl who lives down the street from us the other day at a baseball game. 80% of their conversation was a text chat and they weren’t six feet from each other.
Remember the college bars, and discos? Music so loud, you'd meet someone, yell into their face all night, somehow end up in bed together, and the next morning have nary a clue as to who this person is or anything that was said the night before.

Hell, she could have been trying to tell you she was your long-lost sister, and look at the mess you're in now, because you couldn't hear her over the music.

Kids today won't have that problem.
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  #82  
Old 09-08-2018, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Prodigalson View Post
Remember the college bars, and discos? Music so loud, you'd meet someone, yell into their face all night, somehow end up in bed together, and the next morning have nary a clue as to who this person is or anything that was said the night before.



Hell, she could have been trying to tell you she was your long-lost sister, and look at the mess you're in now, because you couldn't hear her over the music.



Kids today won't have that problem.


Thankfully I know all of my sisters.

But yeah, kids these days won’t have that problem.

Say, is chinspinner a youngin’? I assumed so, but maybe he’s a fifty year old Brony. He likes music from my era, but a lot of kids do these days. They learned it from the video game Guitar Hero. He’s probably passed-out drunk; don’t know what time it is in the UK, so go ahead and spank his little pink butt as much as you like while he’s away.
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  #83  
Old 09-10-2018, 01:34 PM
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I would imagine a relative youngen, but not as young as my immaturity might suggest.

EDIT: and yeah, that short chapter was just the projectile release of a drunkard that sadly splattered his page. Don't know why the jump in time or quite the direction that took, but it took a wrong turn.

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  #84  
Old 09-10-2018, 02:51 PM
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Sigma was showering. She appeared like the back-lit shadow of a literal Jessica Rabbit beyond the shower curtain.

"Oooh" said Thally, unsure of that rising heat. Was it the steam or was the heat an interior need for her shipmate.

"Oi Thally, pass me a fucking towel." Oh my God, that was Talisker's voice beyond the shower curtain. Such confusion. Where did his silhouetted breasts come from?

The curtain withdrew. "Where's the towel?" He asked holding two sponges to his chest.

...Now do not tell me I cannot write sexy scenes!
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  #85  
Old 09-10-2018, 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
Sigma was showering. She appeared like the back-lit shadow of a literal Jessica Rabbit beyond the shower curtain.

"Oooh" said Thally, unsure of that rising heat. Was it the steam or was the heat an interior need for her shipmate.

"Oi Thally, pass me a fucking towel." Oh my God, that was Talisker's voice beyond the shower curtain. Such confusion. Where did his silhouetted breasts come from?

The curtain withdrew. "Where's the towel?" He asked holding two sponges to his chest.

...Now do not tell me I cannot write sexy scenes!


Sad face:sad face:sad face

So far you can not. Comedy, yes. Sexy, not quite.
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  #86  
Old 09-10-2018, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
I would imagine a relative youngen, but not as young as my immaturity might suggest.

EDIT: and yeah, that short chapter was just the projectile release of a drunkard that sadly splattered his page. Don't know why the jump in time or quite the direction that took, but it took a wrong turn.


Yeah, get back to the gnosis you had going before.
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  #87  
Old 09-10-2018, 09:33 PM
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Brian just ate my fucking hat.
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Old 09-11-2018, 12:26 PM
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“Would you like to wake up?” Roommate asked.

“Not yet,” said Thally.

Roommate’s face was a smooth carapace, but for those dark, bone-rimmed eyes, and the mandibles which comprised of four serrated appendages above the merest suggestion of a chin.

She grasped an insect with one sharp claw and raised the struggling creature to her mouth with that flexible arm. The mandibles pulled it inexorably inwards.

“Okay, maybe now,” said Thally.

“As you wish. Just remember this: Beware the one with silver eyes.”

Thally blanched. “Are you serious?”

Chapter V

Sigma’s eyes reflected only the tube lights at the perimeter of the room. She lifted one leg and wrapped her arms around her knee. The tattoos had darkened, or perhaps the skin had lightened beneath the artificial lighting.

“She then said,” Thally paused and glanced furtively at Sigma. She drew a breath, “‘beware the one with silver eyes’.”

Talisker stepped between them. His fingers thrummed against his thigh. “So, you had a bad dream? Why are you telling us about it?”

Those symbols had been there on the wall, all the walls, that flower that bloomed and enfolded in upon itself cyclically. Yet, they were different, they were more detailed, and they had not receded the way dreams often do to be replaced with - the best comparison she could muster was the melancholy after laughter. They had remained in her head, imprinted there, and when she had consulted the computer they overlaid the pattern perfectly.

“Because I think it is important.”

Talisker scratched the stubble at his chin.

“So, do you believe it?” asked Sigma. She had stood from the chair. Between thinly parted lips her metallic teeth could be seen. She paused. “Well, I am going for a drink if anyone wants to join me.” She swept into the counter-clockwise tunnel.

Talisker knelt before Thally, “anything else, you tell me; just me.” He settled his grey gaze upon her, then dropped his head, “come on, we are going for a drink.”

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Old 09-11-2018, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Chinspinner View Post
“Would you like to wake up?” Roommate asked.

“Not yet,” said Thally.

Roommate’s face was a smooth carapace, but for those dark, bone-rimmed eyes, and the mandibles which comprised of four serrated appendages above the merest suggestion of a chin.

She grasped an insect with one sharp claw and raised the struggling creature to her mouth with that flexible arm. The mandibles pulled it inexorably inwards.

“Okay, maybe now,” said Thally.

“As you wish. Just remember this: Beware the one with silver eyes.”

Thally blanched. “Are you serious?”

Chapter V

Sigma’s eyes reflected only the tube lights at the perimeter of the room. She lifted one leg and wrapped her arms around her knee. The tattoos had darkened, or perhaps the skin had lightened beneath the artificial lighting.

“She then said,” Thally paused and glanced furtively at Sigma. She drew a breath, “‘beware the one with silver eyes’.”

Talisker stepped between them. His fingers thrummed against his thigh. “So, you had a bad dream? Why are you telling us about it?”

Those symbols had been there on the wall, all the walls, that flower that bloomed and enfolded in upon itself cyclically. Yet, they were different, they were more detailed, and they had not receded the way dreams often do to be replaced with - the best comparison she could muster was the melancholy after laughter. They had remained in her head, imprinted there, and when she had consulted the computer they overlaid the pattern perfectly.

“Because I think it is important.”

Talisker scratched the stubble at his chin.

“So, do you believe it?” asked Sigma. She had stood from the chair. Between thinly parted lips her metallic teeth could be seen. She paused. “Well, I am going for a drink if anyone wants to join me.” She swept into the counter-clockwise tunnel.

Talisker knelt before Thally, “anything else, you tell me, me!” He settled his grey gaze upon her, then dropped his head, “come on, we are going for a drink.”


Yet, they were different, they were more detailed, and they had not receded the way dreams often do to be replaced with - the best comparison she could muster was the melancholy after laughter. (This... more of this)

Talisker knelt before Thally, “anything else, you tell me, me!” He settled his grey gaze upon her, then dropped his head, “come on, we are going for a drink.” (Feels weird. He repeats “me.” I wanted to buy it, but I didn’t.)

Anyway, this is a pretty good scene.
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  #90  
Old 09-11-2018, 05:56 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Yet, they were different, they were more detailed, and they had not receded the way dreams often do to be replaced with - the best comparison she could muster was the melancholy after laughter. (This... more of this)

Talisker knelt before Thally, “anything else, you tell me, me!” He settled his grey gaze upon her, then dropped his head, “come on, we are going for a drink.” (Feels weird. He repeats “me.” I wanted to buy it, but I didn’t.)

Anyway, this is a pretty good scene.
Cheers, better, the last few lines?
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