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Wrinkles

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  #1  
Old 08-17-2018, 08:31 AM
Vince (Offline)
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Default Wrinkles


Kim looked in the mirror and thought, Is that a wrinkle? I’m too young for a wrinkle. She frowned and thought, Isn’t that what they say? Doing this might causewrinkles.


“I guess I don’t mind getting a wrinkle as long as I earned it.” She said out loud.


“Who are you talking to?” called James from the living room.


“Just talking to the mirror.” Kim called back.. “I was thinking about wrinkles and age wondering if I had any. You know wrinkles. ”


“Don’t worry about it. You look wonderful”. called James. ”A few wrinkles would make you look even better.”


“Are you saying I have wrinkles?”


“No, no but if you did you would even look better.”


“Nice save.” said Kim as she walked into the living room.


“Why whatever do you mean Miss Scarlet?”


Well, it made me think of my Aunt Marge and don’t call me Scarlet.” said Kim straight-faced as she entered the room.


“Your Aunt Marge? Why, because of the blow up at Dave’s party?”


“No, it’s because she is covered with wrinkles. So I guess seeing one on my face, well you know. But yes, she has been on my mind since then. I still don’t know what happened there. One minute everything was fine and then she was standing there in front of me with ‘that look’ on her face. I know that look and it means something although I’m not sure what. You know, she’s my God Mother and we were close when I was a kid. I have some nice memories of those times. She always made me feel special.”


“What happened that changed things?” James asked looking up from his phone.
“Nothing I can think of. It’s just - you know – we just haven’t been in contact much in the last few years.”


“We’ve been very busy with work and school. There hasn’t been much time for anything especially old aunts.”


“And then there is my Uncle John. He is kind of a nut but I like him very much. I wonder what they are up to lately. I know they like to go to concerts and they still work out at the gym.”


“The gym! How old are they?”


She is seventy and he is seventy three. They have had some medical problems but they swear by the gym. They claim that it keeps them active.”


“If it works for them that’s great. It would probably kill me.”


“We should go see them.”


“Why, we don’t have anything in common. What would we even talk about?”


“I don’t know but it seems important. It’s like I need to …. I don’t know, connect with her.


“I don’t get it.”


“Humor me.”


Kim took out her phone.


Last edited by Vince; 08-30-2018 at 11:58 AM..
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  #2  
Old 08-17-2018, 10:09 PM
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The night is quiet. Like a camp before battle. The city beset by a thing unknown and will it come from forest or sea? The murengers have walled the pale, the gates are shut, but lo the thing's inside and can you guess his shape? Where he's kept or what's the counter of his face? Is he a weaver, bloody shuttle shot through a time warp, a carder of souls from the world's nap? Or a hunter with hounds or do bone horses draw his dead cart through the streets and does he call his trade to each? Dear friend he is not to be dwelt upon for it is by just such wise that he's invited in.



I feel the language is too formal in places. Examples being:

“We’ve been very busy with work and school. There hasn’t been much time for anything especially old aunts.”

“Oh and don’t forget my Uncle John. He is kind of a nut but I like him very much . I wonder what they are up to lately. I know they like to go to concerts and they still work out at the gym.”


The lack of contractions makes me cringe a little but truthfully that might well be colloquial and so feel free to ignore it but it does sound unnatural. Theres a few punctuation issues but nothing really serious:

“Why, we don’t have anything in common.” Should have a question mark somewhere in there.
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Last edited by bluewpc; 08-17-2018 at 10:13 PM..
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Old 08-19-2018, 12:50 PM
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Agree with Blue, the conversation is stilted and seems like an outline if where you want it to go as opposed to what they would really say.

I think theres a story in here, but there's an utter lack of subtext. I hate saying show don't tell, but this is one of those times when it needs to be said.

Youre just telling us each bit, her fear of aging and losing loved ones. There's a way to convey this without just outright saying, hey I got a wrinkle, I wanna touch base with relatives before I die.

I recommend centering the POV in her head, and then spend some time getting inside of her thoughts. What is it about aging and death that leads her to want to connect? Maybe her wrinkle reminds her of her aunt, and she wonders how they are, how its been awhile... Etc. Give us a story we can contemplate, not a direct come to grips dialogue.

Thanks for the read
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Old 08-23-2018, 06:54 AM
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I hear you blue and Daes. I know it sounds a bit formal - but when they talk about heraunt and Uncle, in way it is like a rehersal form being with them.

Glad you think there is more story here. I'll work on it. Thanks for your input.
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Old 08-24-2018, 07:24 AM
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I really do think the sentences need to be rearranged, and the arrangement sorted out. I mean short sentences aren't necessary in my opinion. I'm sure with some structural work it would pan out better. But good luck.
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Old 08-28-2018, 03:07 AM
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I can see the points the others are making, but the basic scenario is plausible. It would, with a bit of editing, make a good start for a longer story.

If you hinted that Kim fell out with one of these older relatives but don't say why immediately, that would make for a more intriguing piece.
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Old 08-29-2018, 12:37 PM
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Thanks Ed and Ian,
working on it - I like the Kim angle.
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Old 08-30-2018, 11:59 AM
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Played with it a bit what do you think?
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Old 08-30-2018, 02:43 PM
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Is this going to be just a flash or is it going to be a short story?
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Old 08-30-2018, 07:12 PM
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it started out a flash -just to see where it might go
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