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Upon The Man Who Just Wanted a Snack (Mature Content, swearing, one word,)

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  #1  
Old 10-01-2018, 04:22 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Default Upon The Man Who Just Wanted a Snack (Mature Content, swearing, one word,)


Let the man have a snack
He’ll be back before you know it

All online pornography through his
computer you notice makes you drool,
You wish you never saw the drunk
masturbating to tentacle porn through
flashing apple mac-books.

There’s the stench of cocaine
and marijuana through man-drawers
Pubic hair tumbling, scattering all
over oak-wood beds.

Why were you in his house?
Shame on you and fantasies perv

Let the man have a snack
He’ll fuck you up.

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  #2  
Old 10-05-2018, 02:30 PM
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I am wankered, but fuck it, ok...

Let the man have a snack
He’ll be back before you know it (I kinda like that half/cut rhyme)

All online pornography through his (seems an odd cut, random)
computer you notice makes you drool, (who drool? Me? I am drooling in a waiting sense of idiocy).
You wish you never saw the drunk (don't care)
masturbating to tentacle porn through (not shocked...)
flashing apple mac-books. (yes, interesting, but that was all over the place...)

There’s the stench of cocaine
and marijuana through man-drawers
Pubic hair tumbling, scattering all
over oak-wood beds.

Why were you in his house?
Shame on you and fantasies perv

Let the man have a snack
He’ll fuck you up.
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  #3  
Old 10-06-2018, 04:49 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Lol I love your critiques! They make my day! But seriously thank you
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  #4  
Old 10-07-2018, 03:52 AM
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Nacia (Online)
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Originally Posted by Yonathan1 View Post
Lol I love your critiques! They make my day! But seriously thank you
I so agree too. The comments are fun to read.
This piece is commentative but not sure in what sense.
I am unsure but the few words make it more or less obvious and not.
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it is expensive a fine
so bear one
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Old 10-07-2018, 05:05 PM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Nacia View Post
I so agree too. The comments are fun to read.
This piece is commentative but not sure in what sense.
I am unsure but the few words make it more or less obvious and not.
It's more of comedy than a serious poem itself.
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  #6  
Old 10-12-2018, 11:36 AM
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I never finished it, must have napped off...

There’s the stench of cocaine (does cocaine smell? I mean I have had the stuff up my nose, and I don't remember a smell)
and marijuana through man-drawers (that is a method of smoking that intrigues me- tell me more)
Pubic hair tumbling, scattering all (wolf-man? A metaphor I assume, but it went over my head.)
over oak-wood beds. (A nice little rhythm here even if not tied to the lines above)

Why were you in his house? (ME? Do not impose your own deficiencies upon me)
Shame on you and fantasies perv (wow, a psychiatrist would have a field day.)

Let the man have a snack (I like snacks)
He’ll fuck you up. (okay..)

I LOVED this. A beautiful piece, clearly resolved. My mind was blown.
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