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The 4th Dimension-Fantasy

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Old 07-12-2011, 08:41 AM
Juilingstar177 (Offline)
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Default The 4th Dimension-Fantasy

[B]This is my first fantasy story. I have posted some chapters of it, and I don't thinnk it is very good

The 4th dimension
-Adventures that will kill your heart
Akshdeep Singh

The sun is shining greatly, and always will. It is shining to raise rays of hope and virtue on lost travellers, playing-with-death adventurers or even depressed normal people. It inserts hopes upon natural realms of hearts of all kinds, and least of mortals with hearts or even Immortals could not find the immeasurable hope residing upon their heart. This hope says “Let’s start on another adventure”. As someone said, life is a great adventure, and I am filling my whole agreement on it. Life is great adventure, every day we find a new adventure starting, let’s go and enjoy that!
And so, I ended up in creation of 4th dimension, and this story will start from the never completed journal of Jagat.


After my adventure of escaping deer from prison, I still remember Yamraj coming to receive my soul. He was looking as appreciatively as If I have killed a dragon! I absolutely asked him the reason for that face as we were driving away.

“Your sacrifice depicts the natural goodness of your heart. I am really impressed..! I do not usually find such people every day!

“I have not done such a good” I said. Trying to be modest.

“No, the new shalt say like this. The sacrifice you have done was a really impressible deed. Believe your quality of goodness. Prolific badness does not cross minds of sacrifice.


After that it was the counting of ewas. Yamraj was the dependent to be in that case. Ewa according to him is a place which counts good and bad deeds.

The place at which Ewa are counted is on the earth, protected from any kind of spies or visions by Magic. There were various studies which tell that this protection is demolished only for a millisecond in a year. That means, that you can slight that place for a millisecond provided you are living. That is considered as a great error in the protection of the place counting of Ewa.

Counting of Ewa is also called Jiwa Sima or Counion Convelgion formally.

We travelled for about an hour when we reached Jiwa Sima, and then Yamraj pressed a button which caused the Jiwa Sima to appear.

I cannot exactly say it appeared out of midair! When we reached that place, I cannot see anything extraordinary but when Yamraj pressed that button, I realized I was not seeing carefully.

It looked like that that place was inside a bubble. A giant bubble with diameter of 50 feet, inside of whom was a stage made of a golden element unknown to scientist and a chair as tall as 20 feet on which was a tall man with such an expression that made you look tiniest part of the world. There was a chair before that tower-like chair and there were a trapdoor underneath that small chair.

As we progressed, Yamraj held a form on the sky stretching it as much as he could until he tore the paper into two halves.
And the millisecond the paper could be torn, the bubble around the counting of Ewa became slightly blue.
We landed just 4 meters away from Counting of Ewa.
I jumped off the seat, excited for the counting of ewa, took two steps and realized that Yamraj was not coming with me.

“Pass through my friend, I am not allowed, this place is accessed by uncounted-ewa-people, Jio peoples’ said Yamraj blandly.

And when I entered the Counting of Ewa, the person on the tower-like-chair looked at me appraisingly.
“Ay! Come Come! I was waiting for you the dear friend, lets us see the deeds of your life. Well we don’t have to go through all things. No No, I have noted everything down!” (He pointed a book at least of 5 trillion 9 billion pages but looked thin because of extraordinary thin size of one page.) He looked very happy about it too. But his happiness was mingled with some kind of strictness of impression that your life could change with a word of him.
“No No, This book will remain with me! All you have to see that, these 5trillion 9 billion pages contain 7 hundred ewa! SO, You are in heaven! Yes! Yes!’

I expected that trap door will open. But I was wrong. Some bright-light producing tiny particles started to appear off the hand of the person in the Counting of Ewa (called Jiwa) and moved slowly, randomly like dust particles in air except they are shining with power and made a dust ball around me ,which got denser, denser and denser and then suddenly rushed through the my body.

I felt very light and in no time according to me and reached heaven. Heaven, the most glorious place in the whole universe.

The paradise was as most beautiful and glorious place as much you can imagine. There were clouds for land on which you can step on. The clouds were so soft to walk on it looked like you have no weight and free as air. There were small vibrations in the air which made body’s heart vibrate. I solemnly felt relief of no problems could attack me now. The Hope which made the heart long to rise off the body and dance in the melodious tone.
There was an unseen and unheard silent music which unpressurised the body and reduce the function of tension to great extent. In that place, in that sweet melodious, silent music you cannot feel anger, sadness, tension, fear, hate, destruction, weakness or any of the back side of the human heart. You can only be happy, the happiness so pure so powerful that if you took the heart and squeeze the blood from it, it could be so red that it can hurt your eyes.

And the entrance of the fort was huge arch made of gold, from which I took entrance.
As I gone closer, I saw the characters carved on that arch, which I read
“The misty and clouds, the best and hottest, Paradism, first city of Paradisiac lands holds the power of Upper Heaven and Lowest Hell, may vocal humans allow!”
“May the speechless sides live in the 6th and 5th city and counted by only the 700000 to 1000001th counting of ewas.’

“That means, there are 10000001 counting of ewas!’ I thought’
First city, Paradism, Entrance to Heaven’s land, holds 1st People of Diadem, holds in Archicland Fort made of 6st Happiness of Human Heart, the misty Fear destructor, Jims School of Paradism, Entertains and Previewer of next birth. May more the things live on the finitatal map craft of Earth and infinite map holder, the Map of first Paradism lands.

“What Gibbs!”
I first turned on the Jims School of Paradism and learned about paradise, Earth and Hell, horse riding, sword fighting and navigation. The teachers told me that I am natural with warrior. Then I did Expert Degree of White Washers (WWD) with extraordinary degree of Sword fighting (ESF). White Washers are people who are used if there is some problem in separation between the Paradise and Hell, which stop them killing each other. This separation is kept by Upper Heaven and Lower Hell but this separation breaks for 101 days every 10 years. These 101 days are called ‘days of Stoppage’ as Upper Heaven and Lower Hell separating Hell and Heaven is stop for 101 days. I think you are not familiar with Upper Up or Uppiest Heaven Terms. I will not go through details but acquaint that there are three heavens and three hells.

UPPIEST HEAVENS Deals with top priority things like separation of Hell and Heaven with LOWIEST HELL. These two are joined and cannot be accessed by mortal souls (the souls that take birth in mortal earth after some time) Upper Heaven and Lower Heaven take other decisions. Up Heaven and Low Hell are independent committees on which any relationship magic cannot be cast. Still Heaven agrees with decisions and rules of Uppiest and Upper because of their good and understanding nature (only good people are in Heaven) and so do not need any relationship magic. But hell does not agree with decisions or anything because of their inverse principles than heaven.
For Days of Stoppage (S type), the council of Uppiest Heaven and Lowliest Hell allowed the access to the Low hell by Teleportation magic (‘E” type). But they were not very good in penetrating the ancient magic of Hellish lands and this magic reduced to be only producible at one side, that is out of the hell and last only for 101 days after which the portal dies. Uppiest Hell predicts two people who could stop Low Hell taking over paradise and I cannot believe I was chosen with Irwin.
Irwin, Oh! I am impressed by that guy! He had passed Extraordinary Degree of Teleportation Transfer (ETT) which he needed to perform the exceeding complex magic which made portal to Hell, Master’s degree of particle magic(MPM), Master’s degree of Black magic (MBM) (which is taught only on permission of Upper Heaven.) Diploma of TeleElement (DOT) and Basic All-Magic Acquaintance & Knowledge (BACK) with Extraordinary Magma Magic. (EMM) and Teleportic Navigation and Depiction (TND)
And the books! There were so large and bulky! Language in them was condensed to the greatest extent and it is impossible to find anything needless.

The INVERSE square

After that, Jagat was unable to complete his diary. Anyway, I can still recount him and Irwin after a talk with god of up and Upper Heaven looking so determined, so fearless…

“So how are we going there? By flying boat?” asked Jagat who was wearing the best armor in Paradism given by Upper Heaven god and the Uppiest god and the Anima tax, a device on this hand which can enable him to change into any animal.

“No by my magic” replied Irwin who had received a cloak which increased his power of magic.

He clapped his hands concentrating and murmuring incantations. Suddenly the air became cold as heat started to rush towards a point. Those heat waves started to become solid and looked like they are slowly forming a ball of deformable lightest glass. It emitted very light white rays as the solidified heat revolved and formed a ball. That ball started to deform at its center and opened to show a glowing solidified heat. As the Irwin bowed his hands in the direction of the portal it became grey and started glowing more powerfully.

“Come on” said Irwin.


They rushed through the portal. Sighting…

“I expected to see the hell!”

“We are at the end of the earth and there the route to the hell is easiest to make”

“yea I know, You are behaving like if I am a boiled potato without brains.”

“I was just telling the readers”

“Oh, just like we are being read-ed! Hello this is real life!”

“ I was just joking” Irwin grinned within this white robes which partially hid his face.

“Your Jokes, are not funny, I told yuea”

“Oh yes don’t, Let me open the portal to hell.”

He repeated the same process to make the portal. It was funny sighting one portal form as other demolish.

Except the color was bright red. It was Impossible to believe that Lower and Lowliest Hell have brighter red.

“Zoom… Here we go!” said Jagat jovially.

“What the…” The color changed to green.

“What is happening?”

They were zooming through the bright green glassy light tunnel but they suddenly stopped. Irwin shrieked” AMOUNA DIZON!” bright yellow rays started radiating through his hands. Jagat immediately saw what was happening as he saw a red rays which moving like Electricity started to attack Irwin. “COORDINATE DESTRUCTION!” They started going backwards for a second until there was a blast of light. “ALOMAH!”

“I will help you” said Jagat, He took out his sword and tried to attack the red light (which was now in the form of a man). “ROPION BIDO” shrieked a loud sound and suddenly chains bound Jagat hands and Legs. His sword fell from his hands. “Now be ready to die Irwin! “Said the red light.

“Silsa double human?” replied Irwin.

“Yes, Yes Yes!” shrieked Silsa double Human and then laughed an eerie laughter and the double human rushed towards Irwin, raised his hands.

“REPROIAN BACKWAR! Shrieked Irwin and Irwin and Jagat started going backwards.”
“Reproica Coordinta” she shrieked again, and they started going forward.

“yes it is still not hell” replied Jagat wordlessly still bound in chains.” Explain what happened, but first unbid me!”






“Don’t tell me your magic is not working!” said Jagat.


Nothing still.

“Don’t tell me we are going to be stuck in these chains till we go out!”

“I think y-yes.”

Jagat frantically tried to struggle through the chains.

“No, it is no good. These are magic bound chains which can be opened only by magic and he magic by that double human was so powerful that it is impossible to remove it with human magic.”

Jagat took a groan of anger.

“At least put me in a suitable position could you? And then explain where we are?”

Irwin helped Jagat to a sitting position.

“I think Hell had formed a two way road for the path from which we teleport. I found it and tried to go through the hell road but I found that red light which I could not fight have blocked us and tried to go backwards to the place we came form but there too red light stopped us. He then tied you. I found that red light have power of 700 mans (mixing of Power magic black magic of course) and have took form of Silsa. I know him, just don’t ask me why-how , it-I just don’t want. I saw the he was blocking the path to hell, so I rushed through this path.”

“Cannot you do something about chains? I cannot move a tinkle with them and they are making my body pain!”

“I am sorry to say, no”

Irwin sighted at the dark trees and the night and a small creature jumping up and down there. Jagat could not see it.

That creature looked harmless but Irwin does not want to take any risk. He dragged Jagat to an ambush before hiding himself.

“I hate saying that again and again but can you tell me what is happening now?”

“I saw someone and he may be dangerous”

“Ah! I found creatures of Other World Hurrah!” exclaimed that creature.

He ran the opposite side and fell down the cliff in happiness.

“I never saw something that peculiar. Really.” Said Jagat.

“Me too”

“Hey Irwin!”


“Can I try to be an animal and get out of the chains?”

“Cool idea”



“Can yhou please set the device to make me an animal?”

“How am I going to use it?”

“Rotate the outer square”


“Now the square will come out as a cuboid”


“Now rotate it again”


“Now press it”

There was a blinding flash of light. There was now a phoenix in place of Jagat and fiery surface of that bird had melted the chains. It looked like that Jagat can control the magnitude of the fire.

“Now transform back?” said Irwin.

Jagat cheeped, unable to talk, and then made another high cheep. He fluttered his wings and tried to remove something from himself, even if that thing was not present.

He screeched, and again and again, fluttered his wings, and fell on the ground.

“I can do something to able you to talk”

Jagat Nodded.

Irwin murmured some incantations and then whatever Jagat want to say, came out as words.

“Good Incantation, I was thinking I could stuck speechless forever till we can repair it”

“What had happened to Anima tax?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it was damaged with the magic of that inverse square man.”

“I think so. I think you have to be stuck in phoenix till we find any aid”

“First chains, now phoenix”
“Think of bright side! Phoenix is the most powerful creature in the heaven”

“But I am not acquainted with powers of Phoenix, all I know that they can screech out fire.”

“They can also do Teleportic and Healing magic and are rather (with a laugh) stimulating singer”

“Yeah...Yeah…Like I want to sing!”

“Let’s concern about some more vital aspects. Like how to get out of Here. I think according to the law Endoplasmic S type pathical Navigation 13...”

“Speak brief and English”

“We have to go to the end of this planet; from there we could get a path to hell and 1st earth unguarded. But I am not sure.”

“We do not have any other plan, it is rather irritating still that I cannot speak still.”

“At least you can communicate”

“Yeah Yeah big deal”

“Let’s sleep over the plan today” said Irwin and yawned.

And so both dowsed off to sleep, expecting an adventurous days after on…

1st Town of JAZLA
“Irwin, we are going to go around the world, well. It could not be too long?”

Irwin was on the back of Jagat. They were according to their plan, riding to the end of the world.

“2nd world is the most smallest of all worlds. This world is called Jazla, just for convenience.”

“Umm… exactly how small?”

“As much big as 7 empires in our world”

“Still quite large!”

“Well we will be passing only 3 empires in our journey”

“Really inviting in…” suddenly the magical letters which come out vanished. The rest of the sentence turned out to be a screech!

“Oh my god! I was umm… not right to say…not completely sure that that magic will remain for long. My magic is really weakened in the environment of Jazla”

Irwin again performed the magic, and…

“Well, you got to refresh the magic all the time”

They were again in flight with Irwin on back. The rows of trees passed through, and the waterfall and the area of seven mountains.

“Irwin, Are these people will be friendly to us?”

“Umm… Good question. Well they will not be. We have to disguise ourselves”

“Well, How can I will be disguised?”

“Umm… I hate to say that, but 2nd World’s most of the people go in hell. They wear black cloths and like to capture heavenly creature and make them work like slaves.”


“Umm... Jagat you have be chained”

Jagat remained silent. Irwin was desperately looking for letters.

“Jagat, entrance is near; I think we have to disguise ourselves now”

Jagat landed. He looked really sorrowful on idea to be chained again. Reluctantly He let Irwin chain him by magic.

“These chains can be easily melted by your fire, and you can do so, if we suffer any problem. Anyway, these cruel people use phoenix free proof chains”

Then Irwin changed his white colored cloak into black.

“Let’s go now” Irwin said.


Irwin dragged Jagat by chain into the town.

“Sorry Jagat, but I have to do it, I am not enjoying it”

“Ok, Ok”
They went through the kingdom’s gate, passed through the busy market place. It was not jovial as you will imagine. It was all dull; there were rotten fruits and broken things on sale. The drifts of air were as grey as possible; majority of people took the thing off the market like thief. A world where all people where very ill-mannered and bad principled. The badness lived in air like pest…

Irwin felt uncomfortable. He walked a little carelessly, and knocked himself over a stone. While he was falling over, his cloak fell over, his identity revealed.

“People of 1st World! Kill these bastards, conceited people!”

All the people in the market place rushed to kill Irwin. Someone took Jagat who was chained in chains. It appeared as if Jagat was unable to melt the chains.

“Ero Erecto!” said Irwin, and the people were abashed behind. But they were too many, and Irwin’s feeble magics were unable to keep them away. They knocked him unconscious, and chained them tightly with magic-proof chains, and took him away, to an unknown location.

Whereas, Jagat was taken by a slave seller, and was thrown inside a dungeon, without them noticing that the chains that Irwin have used on Jagat were not phoenix proof.

Meanwhile, Irwin used a Magic which reduced Irwin chains’ magic resistance to zero, and then he used a Teleportic Magic to go to a forest, which was decided as their meeting point, if by any chance they get separated.
He expected Jagat to come, and waited at least a week. No one came her way except a white horse, who started whining, as if it is trying to tell something, but in impatience of Jagat, and lots of bad thoughts in his mind, He did not realized that fact.

“Good I found a horse!”

Irwin formed a saddle and bridles to the horse’s head, and jumped onto its back, and forced him to go gallop away. Irwin had learned only horse riding in warrior section, and he was surprised as the horse showed no sign of throwing him off his back. He looked a little angry through. That feeling looked a little human.
Irwin felt a sad for Jagat. Maybe he can find him in anywhere in slave market.

Irwin found a phoenix in the market. Thinking it could be Jagat; Irwin brought him with some hell money, which Upper Heaven god gave him.

Irwin casted communication Magic on that Phoenix.

“I will be getting sad days after now”

“You are not Jagat?”

“How came, I see Communication Magic, but is Heaven magic, you guys are white washers are you?”


“Oh I am proud to be meeting with one. I was expecting that you could be these straight from Hell people, and make such a powerful creature like a phoenix work in farms”

Last edited by Juilingstar177; 07-16-2011 at 03:40 AM.. Reason: Format Editions
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Old 07-14-2011, 06:08 AM
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I noticed this hasnt had feedback yet so thought I'd pop in for a look.

Some things I wanted to say. I havent read all of it, just a couple of snippets of a couple of the sections. The biggest thing that stands out to me is that your writing really shows your language/voice. You're from India, right? I'm sure I read that in your intro thread. Straight away I could hear you accent and your speech mannersims in the words you use and how you string your sentences together. I love that. It's a clear piece of you in your work.

But, you say this is a fantasy story. So I'm not sure if your way of speaking/writing Enlgish suits it. I could be wrong because I havent read much, and if the story needs it then feel free to ignore me. I just figured I'd point it out.

Also, you really need to formatt the post so that the paragraphs and dialogue are all separated by a double line space. As it stands, it's difficult to read comfortably. If you sort that out, I'd come back and read it again when my brain is fresh because I like how it's written. I just want to see if that suits what the story is about.
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Old 07-14-2011, 06:14 AM
Juilingstar177 (Offline)
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Default Oh::(

This thing of voicing my accent, I cannot remove that. It's natural in my writing skills, and unfortunately, I cannot revert it
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Old 07-14-2011, 06:53 AM
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I'm not being negative. I like it.

I just havent read enough of the story to know if your voice suits it or if you should try writing something different, thats all.

No offense intended, just musings on my part.

Have a go at fixing the formatting and I'll come back for sure.
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Old 07-14-2011, 08:18 AM
Juilingstar177 (Offline)
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I have done format edits.

Fantasy, according to me do not suit my style. My style is made for serious and humour. It's just a experiment, as I have vivid imagination enough for fantasy. I expect to improve in this aspect.
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Old 07-15-2011, 04:32 AM
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Okay, some negatives and positives. Don't take any of the following too seriously. It's all just thoughts and suggestions on my part.

Negative - I stopped reading when it turned into a Harry Potter rip-off. Sorry. I just think if you're going to the effort of writing something, make it your own and don't borrow from other stories. It's lazy.

Positive - I love the way you put your sentences together. They're crazily jumbled up but brilliant to read in the richness of their feeling and imagery. I hope you don't ever lose that. But I do think you might benefit from reading and learning about writing in English and also its technical aspects. Things like grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and in particular, use of tense.

You jump from past to present tense a lot which isn't consistent within the context of the story. So, if it's a story someone is telling about something that happened in the past, use was, were, had, did, went, etc. But if it's a story someone is telling about something as it is actually happening, use am, go, do, is, etc.

Again, none of the above is intended to offend, because you've got a great knack for description and excitement in your writing, and an ability to make me care about what you're writing about. You just need to do a bit more studying on how to write English and organise your thoughts and ideas into a coherent story form. So, good luck and keep writing!
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Old 07-16-2011, 03:38 AM
Juilingstar177 (Offline)
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Sorry Carel.. but I shouldn't have used Death Eaters. Removing this name!
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