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Itís a bird! Itís a plane! ItísÖAbraham Lincoln?

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Old 02-11-2006, 04:09 PM
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Itís a bird! Itís a plane! ItísÖAbraham Lincoln?


Most people entertain the idea that school is dull. Obviously, these people have yet to take the most amazing class ever. The one that makes up for all of the Physics and Math and Spanish Literature. The proverbial holy grail of academic stimulation, US/VA History. One might wonder what could possibly be so extraordinary about learning the history of the United States. Well, itís not all patriotism and hearing about the War of 1812. Nope, thereís more to it than coonskin caps and Native American women. For you see, my class doesnít waste time on those topics. They obviously have nothing to do with history. Instead, we look at pictures. Not just any pictures; theyíre in slideshow form! Who could ask for anything more? Certainly not I. And the best part of all? We spend all year learning about the greatest man who ever lived. The one, the only: Abraham Lincoln.

Now, you may have dissenting opinions on whether or not Honest Abe was the greatest person who ever lived. However, Iíll ignore you and assure you he is. Weíre spending an entire class learning about him, so obviously he must be the greatest person to grace this Earth. Learning about him in class, I have come to hear valuable information, which Iíll gladly share. Lincoln was elected as a senator, and won famous debates against some upstart named Stephen Douglas. He became President in 1861, and freed the slaves in 1863. He had a life filled with depression, and was awkward around women. He died in 1865. Unfortunately, that seems to be all he did, listening to my teacher. Luckily I did some research on my own. I mean, Iím spending an entire year learning about this guy, by my own choice, undoubtedly; there has to be more to him. I found several interesting but unshared facts in my research.

Did you know, for instance, that Abraham Lincoln was the first person to walk the Earth? Itís true. His middle name was Adam, of course. He was kicked out of the heavenly garden after freeing an apple from a tree, but thatís a testament to his legacy. Research died out on him for a while, but I managed to pick up the trace again when I saw a man named Abraham the Barbarian involved in the sacking of Rome. Must have been picking up a few women to overcome that awkwardness of his. Go Abe! He next appeared in Egypt, leading a certain tribe of chosen people across the Red Sea. He just couldnít resist freeing people, apparently.

He was next seen proposing changes to the Catholic Church, writing a piece entitled the ď95 Theses.Ē He was heavily persecuted for it, but that didnít stop him. He soon rebounded from his church oppression, discovering a land he would come to call America. How sad that our great nation was not named Lincolnia. It should have been. Look at everything that Abraham Lincoln had given us already! One might think those accomplishments would be enough, and he could retire, but no, not he. He soon led the rebellion against the British, giving Americans their independence. Wow! Yet another race freed from oppression. That seems about it, up until his famed presidencyÖoh! How silly of me. I forgot to mention that he was faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. And that he invented the internet.

Of course, my findings are widely disputed among historians, but what do they know? After all, Iím the one thatís studying him for an entire year. All of those things listed must be true for the amount of time weíre spending on him. The other day, though, I heard some blasphemy. Some guy attempted to tell me that Abraham Lincoln never wanted to free the slaves! That it was all to weaken the Confederacy, not to help those enslaved people. How dare he! I quickly pulled out my Lincoln-nator, a ray-gun invented by the famous man, and blasted him for slandering the great presidentís name. Afterwards, I made sure to put pennies on his eyes, and gave him a quick prayer to ensure his soul would be well received in Linco-heaven. Speaking of that, it just goes to show how august a man Lincoln was; he was forever immortalized on the penny, clearly the superior and most important coin available these days.

Itís a superexcellent thing weíre learning so much about Lincoln; surely all of the questions on the SOLs will be about the man, seeing as he is a superior being. Not only that, but Iím positive that when I get out of college, my employers will want to hear all about my knowledge of Lincoln. I can see it now: me, ranting about how illustrious he was, and my future employer beaming, clearly impressed at how much knowledge on the subject I have. Assuredly, I will be hired, and I will only be able to thank my 11th grade US/VA History teacher for didactically instructing me on the subject for an entire year. What would I do without him? Learn unimportant historical events is my guess. Thank Linco-heaven that I donít have to ever know any of those!

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Old 02-13-2006, 05:27 PM
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I realize you were being sarcastic, but it's true that Lincoln's feelings about the abolition of slavery were a little suspect. I think he personally felt sympathy for slaves, but (1)he used the abolitionist movement as a means to further his early political career (2)as president, he vetoed the first bill to abolish slavery (2)during the Civil War, he said: "If I could preserve the union without freeing a single slave, I would do it." Lincoln was a politician, after all, and not an angel.
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Old 02-13-2006, 05:42 PM
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A little much for the Lincoln point about freeing the slaves, but quite an enertaining read nontheless. I'm in a very sarcastic mood today, so this made me happier.
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Old 02-13-2006, 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by FlaretoBe☺
A little much for the Lincoln point about freeing the slaves, but quite an enertaining read nontheless. I'm in a very sarcastic mood today, so this made me happier.
True, but I was feeling extremely bitter when I wrote this.

Glad that it has been enjoyed, though.
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Old 02-14-2006, 10:30 AM
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It was pretty interesting, though I would have included a part about robo-Lincoln just because that sounds cool in my head.
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Old 02-14-2006, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by ApplCobbler
It was pretty interesting, though I would have included a part about robo-Lincoln just because that sounds cool in my head.
If I had thought of it, I would have.

The best transformer of them all...
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Old 02-15-2006, 06:27 AM
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He failed in business in 1831.
He was defeated for the state legislature in 1833.
He tried another business in 1833 and it failed, too.
His fiancee died in 1835.
He suffered a nervous breakdown in 1836.
In 1843 he was defeated in a run for congress.
In 1848 he tried and was defeated again.
He tried running for the senate in 1855, and lost.
The next year he lost in his run for the Vice Presidency.
In 1859 he ran fort he Senate, and was once again defeated.
He ran for the Presidency in 1860, and won,
Only to be murdered at the hands on an assassin on 1865.
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Old 02-15-2006, 08:44 AM
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Whether he believed it or not, Lincoln made the abolition of slavery a reality.
Thank you, Mr. Lincoln.
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Old 02-15-2006, 03:13 PM
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I think you missed the point. It was a satire, meaning that it was poking fun at a topic. That topic was that the teacher spends too much time talking about Lincoln.

I hope this summary helps you understand it better.
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