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The Unofficial Universal Codes of High School

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Old 03-28-2006, 12:17 AM
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The Unofficial Universal Codes of High School


I have decided to finally set down into th digital stream of consciosness that is the internet the Universa and Unofficial Code of Highschool. This will include basi school life, relationships, friendships etc. I was gonna do a se number, but I'm just gonna see what hits me and go for it. I you don't agree with any of them, perhaps you're not in the right highschool an if that's true you will most likely amount to nothing. Hey, hey, hey, don't blam me, blame the terrorists

1) Your friends no matter how nice they are to you, will always annoy you the fuck off at some point. This is a blip, a phase, don't sweat it. Unless the kind of annoyance they provide is the type that causes the voices to come back and then by all means do what the people in your head are requesting. It will get them to stop.

2) Your gym teacher is always a douchebag. This is as true as the sky is blue and unicorns are awesome. It is my children, an undeniable fact of existence. DEAL. There may be tales of non-douchie gym teachers that people tell. These people are liars and communists, they also rape puppies. If you listen to them you're condoning the rape of puppies and you wouldn't want to do that. WOULD YOU?

3) Always choose dick over chick. Now this may sound gross if you're a guy, but seriously, it's not meant to be. If you choose your girlfriend over your friends, prepared to be really fucking lonely after she dumps your ass right before prom and none of your old friends will hang with you because you missed the pre-game show at Will's house.

4) Your best friend will inevitably date someone that is as bad for them as the Israelis are for the Palestinians. Your job as 'official best friend' is to pound that fact into their head as often as possible until they finally get wise and dump her/his ass. Your job may be made harder if they are getting what is commonly refered to as 'The Sex', but stay vigilant. You'll get there. A tip : Get them REALLY drunk, then infer that said girlfriend/boyfriend is no good for them. After this all you have to do is sit back and watch the fireworks

5) At some point, two of your friends will date. Your job as mutual friend is to stay the fuck out of any argument they may have because if anything bad should happen, they will and they have every right to (at least in their mind) blame you. Also, after the inevitable breakup do not let yourself be forced to choose between the two parties. This is a trap, you can't win. It's a lot like the 'Does this 'article of clothing' make me look fat?' There is no right answer. This of course assumes that the breakup was messy, but c'mon, there always messy. Some people speak of amicable breakups with mutual consent. This is bullshit, and the people who tell these fanciful tales are high as fuck on PCP and Viagra, they are also communists. And everyone knows that communists lie whenever they open they're mouth.

6) If you cut yourself, it's tragic. Really I'm sorry that you feel such enormous pain that you have to hurt yourself to feel better. If you cut yourself and then show it off, it's attention-whoring and about as cool as asking someone to give you a full body waxing while getting sucked off by a monkey. Don't do it. Seriously.

7) 'Let's just be friends' is a dirty lie perpetuated by Al-Queda to make every guy want to kill themselves because of the awkward situations that the sentence creates. They are currently developing a more potent breakup sentence that encapsulates this idea, 'I'm breaking up with you at the worst possible time, when you need me the most, this is meant to cause the maximum amount of negative effect on your emotional state as possible. But I don't really care. Also I think you smell funny and you kiss like an octopus. I would also speculate that no one will ever care about you. Ever.' So far they've come up with something relatively close. "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way."

8) If drama is not present, drama will create itself, for it's own sake. For instance, say you're chilling having a drink with some friends. Unbeknownst to you, drama is secretly being brewed under the surface. This will come into effect when you least expect it, probably when you groggily enter school on Monday morning. If nothing actually happens, don't worry. Someone will blow something that you said or did, so out of proportion, you'll look like fucking Caligula.

9) Within your group of friends no matter how close you all are, there is ALWAYS someone you bitch about when they aren't there. And whenever you go out, they will always show up unannounced. There are three ways you can deal with this situation. A) Strangle them, this leaves you open to state prosecution so I wouldn't recommend it. The upside is that if you don't plan it, they can only get you on Murder 2. B) Make increasingly scathing comments at the expense of the person's self-confidence. Hopefully you can erode it so much that they'll leave in tears. C) Take every opportunity that they're not in earshot to bitch about them. If all goes well, you'll rile up your other friends so much that they'll burn the person at the stake in a fit of mob-like fury.

10) Your English teacher will always be either the first or second coolest teacher you know. He will not act like the other teachers. He will be unto a God compared to the rest of that lowly rabble. There's actually a course in college that English teachers take so they can become this cool, it's called "Keepin' It Real 107" The prerequisites are two semesters in philosophy and one in sociology. Seriously, ask your teacher. He'll either give you an evasice answer, or make a joke. That's how you know if they're lying.

11) No matter how much people tell you different, teaching math past the eighth grade is useless to people who don't want to explore a profession that uses advanced calculus and complex algorithms. Math in highschool wastes moments of your life that you will never get back. The teachers, the administration, the government, they know this but they continue anyway because they believe it builds character.

12) If anyone asks you where a country is on a map and it isn't in the Third World or somewhere in the South Pacific, You are allowed to make fun of them for the next week, every chance you get. It's in the Constitution. Look it up.

13) If you've never fallen in love and want to know what it feels like. Follow these three easy steps. First, find a large kitchen knife and put it above the stove. Second, turn the stove on and wait until the blade heats up and it turns a orange-ish red. If you've gotten bright red, like scarlet or something, you've gone to far and you're gonna have to start over. Lastly, take the red hot knife and shove it in every conceivable place you can think of on your body. After you eventually come to, you'll be left with a sick, searing pain. That's more or less what it feels like to be in love. Oh and don't worry about the stab wound the heat of the knife cauterizes it so it doesn't bleed.

14) Understand your friends before you have qualms with them. If you have a sarcastic friend, you have to deal with the fact that he's sarcastic. If you've got a horny friend you're gonna have to deal with the fact that she's horny. If you've got a hyper friend, you're gonna have to deal with the fact that she's hyper. If you've got a religious friend, you're gonna have to deal with the fact that he's religious. Are you seeing where I'm going with this. Don't get mad if say, your religious friend asks you if you've found Jeus and invites you over for a Bible Study class, don't fuss about it. That's the way he is, you shoulda known that when you became friends with him and it's your fault if you don't like it now. It's a bit late in the fuckin' game.

15) It is inevitable that your ex will date someone after you. Kind of like Hitler taking over Germany, it was gonna happen. Anyway, you're job as resident ex, is to make the newcomer feel welcome, while secretly sabotaging the relationship with some of these famous one-liners. "Hey did you hear about Rich and that Kelsey chick? Talk about kinky!" Or "Oh hi Becky, oh ya, hey was that Megan leaving Planned Parenthood?" Don't actually say it to your ex but make sure they can hear it. It'll work wonders.

16) People tend to repeat jokes that they hear. This is especially true with highschoolers. This is fine to a point, however there are two lines that can be crossed and once crossed you can tear into them. The first line is if they pretend they made it up. That's not cool and you can go for it right there, the best possible action is shoving a load of bullshit in there face, it's kind of ironic. You'll get a laugh out of it. The second is if they repeat it so often it become akin to taking a breath with them. At that point it's your full right to slap them in the face and warn them that if they don't stop. They're going to go to hell.

17) There are people that are nothing but a waste of your precious time and energy. These include, show-offs, high-brow art students, women who don't like giving blow jobs and people who ask to many questions.

18) There will always be people who find the time to put together long lists of random things that they think are important or applicable as a general rule for life. This happens in highschool as well as the real world, though not so much in carnivals. The Rule of Camels applies there and I don't pretend to be too informed about. Anyway, these list-making people are insane and shouldn't be paid any attention because they are slowly descending into madness.


I'll probably do some more of these at a later date. It would be great to know what you guys think. I hope you find it funny.

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Old 03-28-2006, 05:53 AM
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Heard and seen most of these before. Only one I've ever had a problem with was the "bros before hos" mantra. Everyone will drop doing things with their friends in order to go out with their girl at least a few times in a relationship. The only friends who actualy get mad are the ones who have never been in a relationship and don't understand. The ones with experience know what's up and are generally forgiving.
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Old 03-28-2006, 08:58 AM
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And as always the terrorists are at fault. DAMN THEM, DAMN THEM!!!

I know what you mean, I just think it's a funny point to make.
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Old 03-29-2006, 12:11 AM
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Testament, are you going to publish this list? If so, clean up the first couple of rules cause they're kinda hard to understand!! (words missing letters and such!) Also, reread the rules cuz you used the wrong words i.e. "theres" instead of "their's", stuff like that! Otherwise, very entertaining and apt!
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Old 03-29-2006, 08:40 AM
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Most of this very funny piece took me back to my high school days (so long ago dinosaurs still roamed the earth.) It gives me a perverse sense of satisfaction to know that things haven't changed much.

My high school gymn teacher was such a douchebag I found him dating my ex-girlfriend a few years after graduation. The dirty old man! And what the hell was wrong with her? Father fixation?

By the way, people who are experts in wasting your time are purveyors of time suckage. Haven't you seen the flick "Reality Bites"?
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Old 03-29-2006, 11:36 AM
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Jaded, it's a rant. If I ever decide to publish it I'm gonna have to be on a high of cynicism and plain VENOM. Other than that, this was mostly for my own amusement and that of a few friends, I just thought y'all would like it. Otherwise I would have definetely checked up on the spelling and such. Haha, thanks for pointing it out though 'ppreciate it
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Old 03-29-2006, 12:53 PM
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I agree with a lot of the things you said, even if there was vulgarity. Some of them I highly agree with! Number six, I wish some people would burn that into their heads because I can't stand people who try getting attention and use this! I've had my own problems with it, and I never wanted attention for it! And the one about never being in love, I liked that one too, because everyone that i know that wants to be in love but never has, doesn't get it. It hurts a lot more than it feels good.
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Old 03-30-2006, 10:44 AM
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those silly fools they never understand. Hehe, I actually think it's funny. I tried to warn my friend. I was like 'dude, don't fall for the trap, they trap you. With the pussy, it's like a pussy trap. Don't fall for it." AND BAM, not two days later, he sprung the goddamn trap. Silly kid.
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Old 04-08-2006, 04:10 PM
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I loved the list. It reminded of a thing George Carlin wrote. All of the rules made me laugh, especially the one about the guys tellign their friend that the chick he's dating is no good for him. It usually falls on deaf ears though. Especially when I was the guy dating the bad chick, since I am literally deaf in one ear and partially in another.
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Old 04-09-2006, 01:11 AM
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When i was in high school, I was a loner all my friends were older than me and by the time i got to high school they were already out so i didn't really talk to anyone.
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