WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


The Conscious Bullet

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 08-22-2009, 01:24 PM
Kip James (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 48
Thanks: 1
Thanks 7
Default The Conscious Bullet


“Hotshot” Rubinedi, a genial young man, a man involved with the wrong people, stepped out of his black ford escort and pointed the gun at his perp. His perp was a balding man with big thick rimmed glasses, the bespectacled man looked up Rubinedi, “Don't shoot!”


The man's eyes widened, his mouth opened, his facial skin stretched, Rubinedi closed his eyes and pulled the trigger. The bang echoed through the streets then stopped at its loudest point. All sound stopped. The balding man was hunched over with his arms covering his face, sweat paused on his face. Rubinedi opened his eyes and looked around. Everything was frozen. The bullet was in front of him, it had stopped in mid air. Rubinedi looked around, he was scared. He had already been nervous as hell because he was about to commit murder, and now, what was this? He had seen enough movies to know that something supernatural was happening, everything had stopped except him, he didn't know what to make of it.

He looked at the bullet in thin air, it had now turned upright, it seemed to have life within it. It turned around and there was a mouth. The bullet had a mouth. It flew through the air closer to him. “Watcha doin bub!” it said in a thick Italian accent. Rubinedi was in shock he didn't know what to say. He screamed.

The bullet flew right next to Rubinedi's ear and yelled, “Hey jerkoff! Don't yell, I said watchoo doin!”

Rubinedi, backed up in fright. The bullet moved right in front of his eyes. “Hey shittard, ya know what ya just did? You know what you just did? Ya dumb a summin?”

“Stop! What are you! Am I dead?” Rubinedi screamed.

“No ya not dead. I can't say so much for that poor schmuck, ya just shawt at him! I can't believe watchoo just did! You just pulled da trigga! Look a dat guy!”

Rubinedi looked at his victim, he hadn't been shot yet but he would only have another split second of life, unless he was in some kind of locked in state. Maybe he was alive in there watching it all, just paralyzed, Rubinedi thought. That would be scary. The bullet moved forward into Rubinedi's forehead. Everything went black for a second, pictures of Rubinedi's life flashed through his mind, it's all over, Rubinedi thought, he just wanted to hug his mother. The bullet pulled itself out of Rubinedi's head. “Get a hold of yaself!”, the bullet exclaimed. Rubinedi had his life back.

“Now lissen up and I'll letcha live. Alright?”

“Yeh. Alright. I hear ya.” Rubinedi said in a nervous tone.


“Do you undastand the severity of ya actions. Ya just tried ta kill someone. Ya undastand that. Ya know what that means. Ya dumb schmuck”


“uuuuuhhhh, I don't know man, Ima sorry alright. Please, man just stop dis. I don't know whats goin on.”


“You don't know what dat means. YA DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS HUH? THAT MEANS YOU JUST ATTEMPTED TO END A MAN”S LIFE! YA SEE! AND THIS PATICULAR IS A GOOD MAN. YA GETTIT!”


“Ya I get it I shouldna a done that! I'll never do it again.”


The bullet flew back to where it was when time had stopped. It let Rubinedi know that this guy he was shooting was Jerry Morricone. He looked at the man's face and saw it, yeah this guy was a bit older but it was Jerry, his old friend from gradeschool.


"That's Jerry" Rubinedi said quietly. He was overcome with guilt.


“You're an idiot!” The bullet yelled. “This guy had a life, a family.”


The surroundings had changed. It was now Christmas Eve. Rubinedi stood next to the bullet in, they were in the Morricone residence. Jerry took a shot of whiskey in the kitchen then walked into the living room to help his kids open the gifts he and his wife had gotten. His wife was a real looker. She looked at Jerry with warmth and love. The kids ran up to their dad and kissed him.


“Ya see whatcha did, you killed this family. Ya killed em.” The surroundings changed back to normal, they were back in the streets of New York City.


“Can I stop this” Rubinedi questioned. “I don't wanna do this anymore.” Rubinedi said to the bullet.


“Welp, sorry bub. I'm glad ya see that whatcha did was wrong. But I can't stop the progression of time, it has to happen. But now ya know.”


Time started again. The bullet moved forward into Morricone's chest. Rubinedi dropped to his knees and began to cry.


Last edited by Kip James; 08-22-2009 at 02:37 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-22-2009, 09:32 PM
Mie (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 136
Thanks: 3
Thanks 19
Default

As soon as a gun shows up in a story I bail.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-23-2009, 12:36 AM
Kip James (Offline)
Copyist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 48
Thanks: 1
Thanks 7
Default

Yeah well then you're ignorant
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-23-2009, 01:52 AM
PenPen's Avatar
PenPen (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Land of the Kangaroo!
Posts: 95
Thanks: 14
Thanks 4
Default

Not sure if you want a detailed review or just a general comment, you usually post a little info on the piece first, just for reference.

Blue = suggestions
Green = comments

Originally Posted by Kip James View Post
“Hotshot” Rubinedi, a genial young man, a man involved with the wrong people, stepped out of his black ford escort and pointed the gun at his perp(That sentence is a tad confusing.). His perp was a balding man with big thick rimmed glasses, the bespectacled man looked up Rubinedi, “Don't shoot!”


The man's eyes widened, his mouth opened, his facial skin stretched, Rubinedi closed his eyes and pulled the trigger. The bang echoed through the city streets and stopped at its climax. All sound stopped. The balding man was hunched over with his arms covering his face, sweat paused on his face. Rubinedi opened his eyes and looked around. Everything was frozen. The bullet was in front of him, it had stopped in mid air. Rubinedi looked around. He was scared. He had already been nervous as hell because he was about to commit murder, and now, what was this? He had seen enough movies to know that something supernatural was happening, everything had stopped except him, he didn't know what to make of it. Consider - "He had seen enough Hollywood movies to know some demon was involved. Or a ghost, a cursed amulet. Something stupernatural!" I just think that works a tad better.

He looked at the bullet in thin do you mean 'the'? air, it had now turned upright, it seemed to have life within it. It turned around and there was a mouth. The bullet had a mouth! It flew through the air closer to him.
“Watcha doin bub!” it said in a thick Italian accent. Rubinedi was in shock he didn't know what to say. He screamed. (new paragraph when someone, or something, speaks)

The bullet flew right next to Rubinedi's ear and yelled, “Hey jerkoff! Don't yell, I said watchoo doin!”

Rubinedi, backed up in fright. The bullet moved right in front of his eyes. “Hey shittard, ya know what ya just did? You know what you just did? Ya dumb a summin?”

“Stop! What are you! Am I dead?” Rubinedi screamed. I dont think screamed works. " said in shock' maybe?

“No ya not dead. I can't say so much for that poor schmuck, ya just shawt at him! I can't believe watchoo just did! You just pulled da trigga! Look a dat guy!”

Rubinedi looked at his victim, he hadn't been shot yet but he would only have another split second of life, unless he was in some kind of locked in state. Maybe he was alive in there watching it all, just paralyzed, Rubinedi thought. That would be scary. The bullet moved forward into Rubinedi's forehead. Everything went black for a second, pictures of Rubinedi's life flashed through his mind, it's all over, Rubinedi thought, he just wanted to hug his mother. The bullet pulled itself out of Rubinedi's head. “Get a hold of yaself!”, the bullet exclaimed. Rubinedi had his life back.

“Now lissen up and I'll letcha live. Alright?”

“Yeh. Alright. I hear ya.” Rubinedi said in a nervous tone.


“Do you undastand the severity of ya actions. Ya just tried ta kill someone. Ya undastand that. Ya know what that means. Ya dumb schmuck”


Uuuuuhhhh, I don't know man, Ima sorry alright. Please, man just stop dis. I don't know whats goin on.”


“You don't know what dat means. YA DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS HUH? THAT MEANS YOU JUST ATTEMPTED TO END A MAN”S LIFE! YA SEE! AND THIS PATICULAR IS A GOOD MAN. YA GETTIT!”


“Ya I get it I shouldna a done that! I'll never do it again.”


The bullet flew back to where it was when time had stopped. It let Rubinedi know that this guy he was shooting was Jerry Morricone. He looked at the man's face and saw it, yeah this guy was a bit older but it was Jerry, his old friend from gradeschool.


"That's Jerry" Rubinedi said quietly. He was overcome with guilt.


“You're an idiot!” The bullet yelled. “This guy had a life, a family.”


The surroundings had changed. It was now Christmas Eve. Rubinedi stood next to the bullet in (is that 'in' meant to be there?), they were in the Morricone residence. Jerry took a shot of whiskey in the kitchen then walked into the living room to help his kids open the gifts he and his wife had gotten. His wife was a real looker. She looked at Jerry with warmth and love. The kids ran up to their dad and kissed him.


“Ya see whatcha did, you killed this family. Ya killed em.” The surroundings changed back to normal, they were back in the streets of New York City.


“Can I stop this” Rubinedi questioned. “I don't wanna do this anymore.” Rubinedi said to the bullet.


“Welp, sorry bub. I'm glad ya see that whatcha did was wrong. But I can't stop the progression of time, it has to happen. But now ya know.”


Time started again. The bullet moved forward into Morricone's chest. Rubinedi dropped to his knees and began to cry.
hehe, Nice little story you got here. Quite entertaining!
Without much effort you've given the bullet quite a likable character.
Good job youve done here, 3 cookies.


PS: I'm not sure what it is, but there is a rule about made up words. (whatcha, sawt, Whatchoo, ya, dat, ect.) I *think* you put one of these (') after them, like this.


“No ya' not dead. I can't say so much for that poor schmuck, ya' just shawt' at him! I can't believe watchoo' just did! You just pulled da' trigga'! Look a dat' guy!”

Again, i'm not sure, but i think thats what you do.

Originally Posted by Mie View Post
As soon as a gun shows up in a story I bail.
The thread is titled 'The conscious bullet', what did you expect?

Originally Posted by Kip James View Post
Yeah well then you're ignorant
Made me laugh : D
__________________
-PenPen
And thats what they would do; Hide, Or face the bombers...

Currently reading: Dune - Frank Herbert
Current project: - Echo Ninteen.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


I rate out of five cookies!

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-25-2009, 10:26 AM
HoiLei's Avatar
HoiLei (Offline)
Draw, o coward!
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: "In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina..."
Posts: 4,797
Thanks: 183
Thanks 484
Default

Fun idea, Kip James! And the talking bullet having an accent amused me! I didn't feel very strongly for either human character, though. I think it was too funny to really hit me or make a point about senseless violence. So, depending on your goals for the piece, that could make it a success or not. Thanks for sharing it!

Originally Posted by PenPen View Post
PS: I'm not sure what it is, but there is a rule about made up words. (whatcha, sawt, Whatchoo, ya, dat, ect.) I *think* you put one of these (') after them, like this.

“No ya' not dead. I can't say so much for that poor schmuck, ya' just shawt' at him! I can't believe watchoo' just did! You just pulled da' trigga'! Look a dat' guy!”

Again, i'm not sure, but i think thats what you do.
Maybe I can clear it up more. Think about it this way: an apostrophe ( ' ) stands in for missing letters. So in "didn't", "shouldn't", etc, the ' stands in for the missing o. Less common contractions, like "d'you" and "c'mon", also need apostrophes, to stand in for missing letters. And words where the end drops of have apostrophes: goin', o', wi', tha', etc.

For "whatcha", "gonna", or "didja", you don't need an apostrophe because you're not dropping letters. You're actually trying to spell the way it sounds.

For "dat" or "dem", the "th" gets changed to "d" but nothing goes missing, so no apostrophe there, either.
__________________
"I just saved 100% on my car insurance by switching to walking!"
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-25-2009, 12:03 PM
CandraH
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

This is a fun story but about serious issues. I enjoyed reading it and the end made me feel for the main character. Nice job.

Penpen and HoiLei picked up on most of the nits I was thinking of but I would like to add just one more thing. Personally I felt the speech patterns/dialect was a bit overdone. Could maybe have use less "ya"'s and so on. But that just my personal opinion and its your story so feel free to disagree/ignore me.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-26-2009, 07:35 AM
SamKeeys's Avatar
SamKeeys (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Nottingham, England
Posts: 82
Thanks: 5
Thanks 9
Default

Nice little story. I don't think you needed to accentuate how the character was speaking as much, as you already specified that he had an italian accent, and it doesn't look that italian to me unless its meant to be new york italian of coursse.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Right Place, Wrong Time hellomoto Fiction 3 02-27-2009 07:54 PM
Restless Conscious Syndrome Mortimer Writers' Cafe 23 01-29-2009 03:21 AM
Headache Caused By Bullet starrwriter Writers' Cafe 6 07-14-2007 01:36 AM
Stories Where Legends are Born part 8: part 1 EndlessPoss. Fiction 1 06-15-2007 08:12 AM
Silent Death jrudder Fiction 21 02-01-2007 01:21 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:55 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.