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Guardian Angel part 1 The Nameless Warrior (Revised)

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Old 11-28-2009, 10:48 AM
EndlessPoss. (Offline)
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Default Guardian Angel part 1 The Nameless Warrior (Revised)


Guardian Angel part 1
The Nameless Warrior

The Dark Ages

In the Dark Ages rages a War between The Manna Kingdom of Humans and the Underworld of Demons. No one knows how the war began or how long the war has lasted however, one night it will. A warrior from a far off land who has no name, has been nicknamed The Nameless Warrior. He became a soldier of The Manna Kingdom and became The Kings, King Hornois' greatest warrior of all time. He even fell in love with Kings Hornois' daughter Lauranna. On the eve of the last night of the war they were to be wed and King Hornois couldn't be happier. That even The Nameless Warrior was to lead his troops to one final battle to end the war.

The Nameless Warrior has discovered where The Dark Lord has been hiding in the Underworld so he decided to rage one last attack. By this time both kingdoms have lost so much of their people. So there were so little humans left as well as so little demons left and this was the perfect time to end the war. That even The Nameless Warrior took as many of his troops he had left to the Underworld to hunt and destroy all of the remaining demons before the very last one The Dark Lord himself. They have succeeded in destroying every last demon and lost as the same number of humans, before The Nameless Warrior caught up to The Dark Lord.

The Nameless Warrior showed mercy to The Dark Lord but The Dark Lord wanted no part of it. Before The Nameless Warrior cut off The Dark Lord's head he vowed "that his son will rein as the supreme ruler of the demons and the demons will rise again and rule the world". The Nameless Warrior said nothing and continued his onslaught of The Dark Lord. Unknown to The Nameless Warrior was in the background The Dark Lord's son The Prince of Darkness himself Damien as he watched his father sacrifice himself for the Underworld. Damien vowed "to get revenge for his people and his father on The Nameless Warrior".

That next day, The Manna Kingdom celebrated their victory and the end of the war as daylight rose from the sun and The Dark Ages were over and King Hornois to celebrate the union of his daughter and The Nameless Warrior. King Hornois decided that they can't get married without The Nameless Warrior having a name so King Hornois named The Nameless Warrior, Guy. The Nameless Warrior was pleased and decided to stick with the name Guy. Damien was hidden watching the whole thing. Damien came from behind Guy and took Lauranna and broke her neck. Guy could not help but hold her in his hands while she passed out. Damien ran and ran as King Hornois called out for his guards to kill Damien but Damien disappeared without a trace.

King Hornois and Guy watched as they buried Lauranna. King Hornois told Guy, "that Lauranna was pregnant with his child and she was going to tell him after the wedding but now it's too late". Guy had a shattered look on his face as it wasn't bad enough. King Hornois had no remorse for Guy because he told "him it was his fault that Lauranna had died if only Guy had for seen Damien he could have prevented her death". King Hornois told Guy, "that he will no longer be welcome in his kingdom and will ever be know as The Nameless Warrior".

Guy had vanished into the night as the kingdom's guards chased him off. Weeks later Damien has found The Nameless Warrior in the jungle washing up in the river. Damien surprised him from behind. The Nameless Warrior took out his sword and pointed directly at Damien's neck. Damien stood motionless as he told The Nameless Warrior, "That it was his fault that Lauranna died as he thought because he murdered his people and his own father". Damien told The Nameless Warrior, "like him he is an outcast and they can work together if he wanted his old life back". The Nameless Warrior didn't trust Damien neither did Damien trust The Nameless Warrior however they both wanted the same thing their old lives back.

So The Nameless Warrior agreed to help Damien for now. Damien showed his true power that he had the power of invisibility and that is how he could get passed the palace guards. Damien told The Nameless Warrior, "that his father The Dark Lord told him before he died that there was a rare gem that had the power to make wishes come true, King Hornois knew that this gem was to powerful any one person or demon so he hid hit deep beneath his castle". Damien said, "If he could get him in the castle that he will be able to reach the gem". Damien told The Nameless Warrior, "When you get the gem and get to use it, first he will lend it to him". The Nameless Warrior agreed but only if they destroyed the gem afterwards and Damien agreed to the terms.

That night, The Nameless Warrior set off an explosion that destroyed half of the castle's gate and this alarmed the guards. As the smoke rose, The Nameless Warrior came charging thru the castle on his horse and took out his sword and attacked many of the guards. This led Damien to the dungeons of the deep castle and to the gem. Damien took the gem and "wished his people were alive and well again by the numbers". Then a portal opened from the gem. The demons arose to the surface and attacked The Manna Kingdom and destroying it. Damien actually kept his word and gave the gem to The Nameless Warrior his wish was, "he could live in a time where no one knew of him or demons". The gem glowed as there was a flash of red light, and The Nameless Warrior disappeared into the red light.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Old 12-04-2009, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by EndlessPoss. View Post
In the Dark Ages rages [too many times have you used capital letters. They should be used only when begining a new sentense or for a noun] a War between The Manna Kingdom of Humans and the Underworld of Demons. No one knows how the war began or how long the war has lasted however, one night it will. [however, one night the war will... what? I think you skipped some words here] A warrior from a far off land who has no name, has been nicknamed The Nameless Warrior. [A warrior who has no name is nicknamed the Nameless warrior? That sounds a little blunt. I think you can be more imaginative than that.] He became a soldier of The Manna Kingdom and became The Kings, [Kings, King Hornois' greatest warrior of all times? This sentense just sounds wrong.] King Hornois' greatest warrior of all time. He even fell in love with Kings Hornois' daughter Lauranna. On the eve of the last night of the war they were to be wed and King Hornois couldn't be happier. That even [That even the nameless warrior was to lead his troops to one final battle? Again, I don't get the point of this sentense. What are you trying to say?] The Nameless Warrior was to lead his troops to one final battle to end the war.

TO BE CONTINUED…
Those errors were in the first paragraph. The following ones, there are many more.

You have a passion for writing. I can see that. But I think you still need to write a lot more to be able to find your voice.

I hope my opinions helped.

Best of luck,
Keep writing,
Cheers.
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