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Sexy Poem

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  #1  
Old 11-06-2013, 10:33 AM
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Default Sexy Poem


Blood stains in the hallway,
Bible in the nightstand,
the sheets are patterned
but never cleaned.
Yes, you can smoke in here.

Didn't think I'd see so
clear under woozy,
compact-fluorescent.
I've been drinking all day
and you're not even cute.

No, I can't feel a thing
when we get down to work;
a frowning, existential sandbag,
understanding why people
hang themselves in hotel rooms.

And we slept in separate
longitudes that night,
atop the king-size mattress.
In the morning we shook hands
and skipped the continental breakfast.


Last edited by beefheart; 11-06-2013 at 11:48 AM..
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Old 11-06-2013, 10:45 AM
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A gloomy description. I resonate with this text, good job!
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Old 11-06-2013, 11:29 AM
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Great poem, wonderful attitude!

Originally Posted by beefheart View Post
the sheets are patterned
but never cleaned.
Yes, you can smoke in here.
Note the change-up of meter with the third line. When I see something like this, I know I have a writer in front of me who knows what s/he is doing.

Lance
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Old 11-06-2013, 12:05 PM
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Nothing but praise and envy. Great word choice and images, plus attitude! For me only, I would switch L-1 and L2. As Lance inferred, a talented writer just jumps out at you. My favorite: "I've been drinking all day/ and you're not even cute."
Paco
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Old 11-07-2013, 05:51 AM
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I told you guys she was good. I have said it all along.
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Old 11-09-2013, 04:11 AM
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Another great piece beef! I loved these lines.

In the morning we shook hands
and skipped the continental breakfast.

Come back more often!

The whole piece is good. I had a hard time picking individual lines.

Great work! K
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Old 11-09-2013, 05:41 AM
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Just wanted to say a word about the last line, which is great because it's understated and doesn't insult the reader's intelligence: it simply relates what happened.

I have talked about my own impulse to sum things up at the end of a poem: to draw a moral. In that mode I might have written something like, "Yeah, we f*cked, but it was meaningless." This would not be poetry because it hits the reader over the head with a sledge and doesn't allow the story to tell itself. "In the morning we shook hands / and skipped the continental breakfast" says the same thing (at least I think it does!) in an artful way as part of the story: it summarizes without summarizing.

Real poetry!

: = )

P.S. I think we are seeing that last lines are important in poetry. If I can somehow make my last line my strongest line, that's what I want to do.

Last edited by LanceRocks; 11-09-2013 at 08:54 AM..
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Old 11-09-2013, 08:40 AM
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Will you accept praise in lieu of criticism?
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Old 11-09-2013, 11:47 AM
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Very good. Captures the essence of the mood well.
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Old 11-12-2013, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by beefheart View Post
Didn't think I'd see so
clear under woozy,
compact-fluorescent.
Everything felt absolutely magnificent... except for this part. This part tripped me up. A lot of descriptive words without a mention of what they're describing. I can infer, true, that he's talking about the lighting of the wretched hotel/motel or what not, but... idk, it reads wonky to me.
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Old 11-12-2013, 12:18 PM
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I hope there is a Sexy Poem 2 and that one is hot ...

You capture the moments well. I think your poem much more memorable
than the experience. Love this line

And we slept in separate
longitudes that night,

and the ending as well. Many might be able to relate to the
disappointment.
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Old 03-31-2017, 12:39 PM
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This kid still gets me.
Got a problem with that?
Be with ya soon as I get the wrinkles out of this sack.
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Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
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Old 04-04-2017, 08:32 AM
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Ghostly mostly.
Like starlight from a fiery furnace long dead
and burnt to cinders in a galaxy far far away.
And yet it twinkles overhead, and glitters, and sits disused beside the beds,
of those who are on the road,
to mostly ghostly.
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