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Cliche #20 -- Thing's got a little weird

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Old 04-02-2013, 09:12 AM
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Default Cliche #20 -- Thing's got a little weird


Listen, before we get into anything, I’m not gay. I think it’s important that you know that, that I’m not gay. Just bear that in mind. With it said… well things got a little weird last night.

I’m not normally one for bars. Not because I don’t enjoy them or am some sort of shut in – no, if I had to pinpoint the real issue, it’s that I’m unemployed and nobody ever got laid with the line “my parents are my landlords.” And I don’t mean to complain or begrudge them the hospitality, I’m not that insincere, but the situation sucks. Starting to feel pretty far removed from undergrad, and it’s only been five months. I’m getting sidetracked. Don’t let me do that. No one wants to hear me complain.

Let’s get back to last night. I didn’t want or intend to go out, firstly because of what I already explained, and secondly – and in this instance more importantly – because it was already midnight on a fucking Tuesday. But Johnny was insistent. I’ll show you my phone. Kid called eight times in five minutes. This is why I try to avoid my brother’s friends. Once I picked up, well you don’t say no to Johnny. He’s got an answer for everything. You can sleep on my floor. Who cares what time it is – I’ve got a gram of coke! No, trust me, you’ll like it. Just one bump, if it’s not the best you’ve ever felt I’ll never ask again.

So I went to his apartment. What can I say, I’m a slave to peer pressure… and I love cocaine.

I got there maybe half an hour later, late for a typical night but not for a Johnny night. It took him a while to answer the door. Longer than it should have. Or at least that’s what I thought. Time sort of dilutes itself when you’re about to get yipped. I’m not saying I’m addicted – I could’ve said no at any point – but once you come to terms that what’s gonna happen is gonna happen… well maybe I’m a little addicted. Just a bit.

Anyways, he answered the door with his shirt off and his pants halfway on. I figured he was getting ready to head out. There was a guy I’d never met on the couch – he was wearing his clothes, which lent some credence to my assumptions. I introduced myself. He didn’t even look up at me – made a complete asshole out of me, actually. So I made the next logical assumption, the guy must’ve been dealing. Now contrary to what you may have heard, that’s not how dealers normally behave – it’s a sales industry, as much as you’re focused on the commodities. Dealers tend to be among the friendliest people I’ve ever met, especially when they’re coked up. But this guy didn’t say a word to me. He glanced up at Johnny, turned, walked into the bedroom, and shut the door.

I looked back at Johnny and asked him “What the fuck is his problem?” and Johnny started taking his pants off again – right there in front of me. I admit, I was a little taken aback – I think yelled “What the fuck man” or something to that effect at him. He just shook his head. You too. I wasn’t about to stand for that and I got up to leave but Johnny grabbed my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and shook again. He was terrified. I had no doubt, whoever that guy was, he’d have killed him.

See, this is exactly why I avoid my brother’s friends. But anyways, I started taking off my pants.

Like I said, things got a little weird.

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Last edited by Pepper; 04-02-2013 at 09:16 AM..
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:08 PM
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Sounds like what your brother's friends like about him is you.

Seriously, though, it's a well written piece. It captures the coke addict's typical denial / not denial flips well. It gets a little tripped up on it's own feet with that "...I think yelled "What the fuck man" or something to the yada yada blah blah blah..." I'd try to get smoother flow out of the first two sentences in that paragraph.
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Old 04-13-2013, 07:08 AM
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Great voice! This had such a conversational tone to it. For some reason, even though you made it clear what was coming, I was surprised when the end came. Maybe a bit of your MC's startlement was influencing me. But this was well told, dark, and fun. Nice one!
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Old 04-15-2013, 02:25 PM
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Icon7 Cliche #20 Things got a little weird

Really liked the vibe you created with the characters narration. Good depiction of one of the many roads that drug use can take a person. Not necessarily even the three way, but just the background of where the characters life was going at the present time. I wish it could've been just a little more fleshed out just before the ending. It's kinda a good thing, though... I wanted to hear even more!
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Old 04-30-2013, 06:57 PM
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Default Cliche #20 Things got a little weird

I enjoyed reading your story. I like the fast pace and gritty narrative. It feels real.

As a reader, I want more convincing on why your main character felt compelled to go along with the situation. To me, common instinct would have most people make a beeline for the door and get heck out of there.

~alley
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Old 05-01-2013, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by alley View Post
I enjoyed reading your story. I like the fast pace and gritty narrative. It feels real.

As a reader, I want more convincing on why your main character felt compelled to go along with the situation. To me, common instinct would have most people make a beeline for the door and get heck out of there.

~alley
I would think the stated fear of being killed would be an incentive.

Last edited by JustcallmeEd; 05-01-2013 at 07:53 AM.. Reason: To add "of".
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:55 PM
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Definitely an interesting read and properly titled! I liked the voice a lot and it was a pleasure to read. The first two sentences reeled me in with the thoughts "wait, what?" and "lets see how this goes.."
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:38 AM
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Hi - interesting storyline, liked the conversational style voice and quick pace of your story but, not sure what was happening at the end or why he even went to his friend's home - no definite ending, no outcome of his weird night.
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Old 08-27-2013, 10:28 AM
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Nothing to say a much...only wants to say 'hats off'...specially for the ending and the bold thought. Please keep it on..
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Old 11-11-2013, 01:08 PM
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this is great i really enjoy the flips of denial it feels like were being carried in the addict (ok you can quit when ever) mind along with you not just watching you. i really like it you gotta keep going!
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