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My Goth Girl

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  #1  
Old 05-10-2017, 05:13 PM
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Default My Goth Girl


Perched in high rafters,
with her little murder
of delicate crows,
she wrote sad verse,
sketching skulls
and insects in the margins
of her diary.

That last summer,
before the scattering,
I saw her at the bonfire, a lone
bird hovering beyond
the edges of the common
flock; we flew

across the field
of flowering corn
and she gave in, swearing
I was the first, but I had my
doubts, as she spread her
wings with such ease.

Kissing the raven
tattoo on her breast, skin
winter pale in June,
the spark of moonlight
from the silver
in her tongue, hair spiked,
shining like black
talons; in her grip, I fell.

Seasons later, still
falling, hopelessly;

such is the beauty
beneath her dark and mysterious
plumage.

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  #2  
Old 05-11-2017, 10:56 AM
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Wow, very lovely! Great images. I really enjoyed this.
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  #3  
Old 05-11-2017, 02:59 PM
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I like this too. I'm not thrilled with the title though. It seems kitschy, or somehow less than the body of the poem.
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  #4  
Old 05-11-2017, 03:09 PM
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Hey thanks lmc... Glad you liked it.

B.P, that totally could be.

The idea here was that the narrator gets past a stereotype and falls in love. I was hoping the reader would have the same experience -- sort of -- so I used the title as a set up. But maybe it's not working that way.

Thanks for the read!

Last edited by Myers; 05-11-2017 at 03:15 PM..
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Old 05-11-2017, 11:06 PM
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You certainly achieved your aim. This piece delightfully opposes literature's usual homage to flaxen-haired and ruby- lipped wenches with their hymens intact.

Particularly love the fourth verse

I agree with BP about the title - it's like a cheap plastic handle on an good leather bag.

A great poem. Nicely done sir.
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Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 05-11-2017 at 11:08 PM..
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Old 05-12-2017, 02:07 PM
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Thank you Grace. I appreciate the read and comments.

Cheers!
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Old 06-06-2017, 10:46 PM
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Great poem. Good movement wonderful images. Evocative. I feel it as I'm taken through it. I would swap positions of the last two stanzas. I think it makes the ending much stronger. Great work!
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  #8  
Old 06-09-2017, 02:09 PM
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Hey KBR -- glad you liked it.

That stanza swap -- that's a pretty good idea. Think I'll go with that.

Cheers!
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Old 06-10-2017, 05:08 PM
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could make a great vignette! i love it, only one comment though— you're use of the semi-colon is really nerve-wracking. with this line break style, you could go punctuation free. cuts from the beauty aspect, no offense. real nice read otherwise.
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Last edited by chat bot; 06-10-2017 at 05:12 PM..
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  #10  
Old 06-12-2017, 03:13 PM
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Thanks chat bot! Glad it mostly worked for you.

And yes, sometimes I do skip the punctuation -- although I don't have a particular aversion to it.
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