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family reunion

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Old 12-22-2006, 12:18 AM
ehoeveler (Offline)
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Default family reunion


Another family reunion disaster fight claws out blood spurting from wounds
ripped open with words of so-called truth coming from cracked faces.
Cracks forming beneath a shifting veneer of I really don't care

this is all a big joke.
A sad mask that may say I'm on top, I'm not a joke, you're a joke. My job
is better than yours I look better than you.

I've accomplished more in my life respect me we scream at each other before we consign each other to the respective hells of our understanding.
For twelve hours I live in the airport where I've been dropped.
While waiting for my plane I apply for a credit card can this plastic turn me
into a good person?

Recent confrontations jammer through my ears and
head or are they announcements from the PA system?
"Attention, Passenger, no one loves you"
I call my husband to say no one loves me come get me.
"Attention, Passenger, sit in this smelly airport and reflect upon your sins"
I read a paperback to block all reflection.
I crawl instead of fly into Atlanta like tired and dirty prospector with a
suitcase full of plain dirt realizing there will be no gold, ever.
Steve and his red truck arrive to haul me and my dirt home.

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Old 12-22-2006, 09:43 AM
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I think you hit something here. The way you personalized this ever occuring scene in many families, just captors the feelings perfectly! Only suggestion I have is to look at the format of the poem to make it easier to follow-reading wise. Everything else is simply amazing!
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Old 12-22-2006, 04:59 PM
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A powerful statement.
The run-on form of this piece is part of the compounding of impressions. When I first looked at it, I set up some vagues prejudice against prose-form work, but you have more than enough ability to overcome that nonsense. I was soon immersed in the compelling universe you created.

About form: it appears that the line endings are not always yours, but rather are set up by the software and screensize. That effect does not seem to create a problem with the effect, but in one screen size I tried, it put "me" on a line by itself, giving it a great deal of perhaps undesired emphasis. Perhaps it would be more prudent when you use long lines to make no line endings, but let the whole thing run together where it will. You know, the difference between verse and prose is this: whereas a verse writer might want to kill a typesetter over a line break, a prose writer could care less.


There is one aspect of this piece that does puzzle me: it is the shift to the prospector metaphor. While the metaphor is very intriguing and effective in its own right, it does not seem to be related to the previous section of the piece except to imply that the narrator went to the reunion looking for something material to bring back. I think the implication you want is that she went there looking for love , respect, understanding. The metaphor does not contribute to that idea.

Still, I like it. I look forward to seeing more of your work, and discovering what you think of mine. I believe your opinion will be enlightening
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Old 12-22-2006, 11:31 PM
ehoeveler (Offline)
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Thank you so much for your in-depth critique. Perhaps the prospector
metaphor does stand out a bit from the rest of the poem. You were correct
in noticing that the endings are not mine, but the soft and screenware. I'll
try your suggestion about letting the whole thing run where it will.
I would love to read your work! I always feel not qualified to make any critiques unless they are absolutely glaring; still pretty new at this.
I will try, however, because you and others have taken the time to review my work. Thanks again, ehoeveler
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Old 12-22-2006, 11:34 PM
ehoeveler (Offline)
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I just wanted to add that I really appreciate the kind words. I do feel pretty
strong about this piece, but there's nothing like validation from a writing peer. Thanks again, ehoeveler
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