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  #6091  
Old 06-07-2018, 01:41 PM
anna (Offline)
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anna was delighted to read Gracie, it left her all fuzzy warm with a red wine grin and see for the sake of flea (who enjoyed the dialogue) she had to disagree with her sister, grasping her hands as only sisters could - sharing a look between their faded denim blues anna whispered earnestly ‘but the fight is hers, the life is hers and the freedom to rally or slip away day by day is something he can give just by remaining steadfast, neutral ..’ anna bit her lip because like sisters the world over the fusion was laced with friction ‘see in the end don’t you just yearn to be set free, free of obligation and suffering...’ maybe anna had it all wrong but she meant well ...’

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  #6092  
Old 06-07-2018, 09:27 PM
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repost chatting with flea, still on tiny handheld device no internet connecton for weeks apparently, tucked away, running out of data, slippery signal, shrugs

... he did a double take - she was gone one minute and back the next motionless now gazing out of the snug tucked up in a little ball leaking feelings which she suddenly funnelled into fiddling with the bells and beads around her pretty painted toes .. ‘the CT scanner was new in those days and they kept ringing up from the hospital to get her sister back over, her bones ... of course it reached a point with chemo where she had had enough and they stopped it all on her asking .. she was a wild child ... way ahead of her time, I mean she was so creative, so the crazy diamond ... it’s not romancing her memory neither ...’ fuck anna had missed her the older she got because well once she went she kind of had to conform and bury the wild side, tow the line for their sakes - ‘am getting younger with my years ... now that they’ve all but grown up they have begun to realised quite what a rebel nature she was keeping under wraps, share that with my sister and there are moments she cheers where my siblings curse, creativity is a funny thing babe, she had it in spades ...’ anna thought on softly ... ‘see because there is just me have had to have my house inorder - like if I were to die tomorrow told the kids way back - have taught them all I know, taught them to survive on - to take ownership of themselves, their lives. always live like today is my last .. wanted them to be able to keep calm and carry on regardless, that death-dealt needn’t disempower .. shrugs’ he glanced to her gone-again-again and liked.

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  #6093  
Old 06-08-2018, 01:29 AM
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repost from elsewhere, chatting with someone

"...well it's for real then, I mean it's cancer under the name of "pT4a without" to be exact..." replied the goblin intending to be as honest as possible anonymously online here while letting the old man remain as hidden as possible in his dailylife there, relating "...and yes, perhaps it's somewhat selfish of me to write about my thoughts and feelings in those off moments between these increasingly on moments, but to be honest it's not so much the idea of "keeping the body and soul together" here as in fact its opposite as in keeping those two apart least they drag each other down...", yes it was almost amusing to see how the old man seemed so emotionally detached focused and determined while his goblin inside him went going through his reflections without much choice in the matter, at which point the goblin just smiled back repeating "...this journey to self goes by "day by day" then, the journey's point is that there's is no point really, but if you learn that there is no point but still continue along anyway, then just perhaps whatever it was was in one's nature all along, hence this journey to self then, and from this one's my nature is revealed, just no point then and every point depending..."



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  #6094  
Old 06-10-2018, 05:01 AM
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the goblin had been running away from his pen again, somewhat understandable considering the old man's constant "cave in" to convention, his "doing the right thing" always, and now, when the captain was returned home at her hastani stage, his avoidance of any pathian shots too, so the goblin just explained "...it's been loveless so long, no skinship to speak of, instead the premise was just "for the sake of the family" then, and oft times she'd remind the old man that his bad breath in close proximity, the time when she told him that most of his orchids would have to go, and not to bring home any more things from the second hands shop, maybe he felt that marriages was mostly like that then, a crushing compromise of self for those standards expected, and that the internet was the only escape for his alter ego here, this me in other words, anyway what else can anyone do bar "what is right" in his place, no he'd only blame himself for have been outspoken afterwards...", and with that the goblin just shrugged it away from himself again, though the old man's pretense was really nothing too untoward he felt yet it was nothing to be proud about neither



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  #6095  
Old 06-11-2018, 02:34 AM
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"...thanks, I'll ask the doctors, um..., where if they don't prescribe it for her then I'll take it for myself instead..." proposed the goblin in a kind of "running away from it all" mood today, where this afternoon the captain had to go back to the hospital twice for two separate appointments, one being blood, the other being lymph, of course the goblin would accompany her into merlin's cave as he dubbed it and back knowing full well that these results were neither instant nor ever the full story for that matter, before adding "...whatever the result then, her previous lifestyle is over, and the apartment reflects this new lifestyle in its subtle ways, such as her world increasing orbiting towards her bed at this point, and with us increasingly orbiting with that orbit there too, the disinfecting of our hands upon entering the apartment, the smell of cleanliness everywhere, in short our apartment has become an outpost of the hospital, and with the battle as of yet uncommitted to or on hold then...", in fact, the goblin knew that he would sail through his working days orbit still, till such time as the course of these events spun him out of that work orbit more towards his home orbit, then he imagined onto the hospital's orbit after that, remarking "...if anything it's like a gradual invisible force very reminiscent of gravity itself, where the effect comes across like "slow then sudden", with it's slow approach and then sudden arrival..."



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  #6096  
Old 06-11-2018, 09:09 AM
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Ah, it's good to have the internet, when one's true thoughts are not what anyone in daily life wants to hear. When my little brother died, the sociopathic son of a bitch, these pages were about the only place I had where I could say what I thought. I'm usually pretty outspoken, but my mother doted on him, it's a small community where word gets around fast, and to hear the truth would have just made it harder for her. So I came here.

I did find a positive thing to say at the memorial.

The course of events from this time forward may seem inevitable, and I think it's our nature to feel a bit of resentment at times like this, but soldier on, goblin. It's the price we have to pay for companionship, I suppose.
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  #6097  
Old 06-12-2018, 04:12 AM
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"...well at least I'm bringing up thoughts in those who read these posts I guess..." suggested the goblin thanking prod for feeding him his thoughts, then adding "...no I need to here too, where today I've been writing to close of kin, or those in the loop now, about how things stand and will probably fall, just them as it's unlikely to become common knowledge till it must be..." mentioned the goblin whose spirits were up if only because he was at work and not at home, relating "...ah yes, funny that, I mean during work I feel like I'm at home, where while at home I feel more like I'm on duty still, and how that old man is doing the right thing at each turn of events, and yet part of doing that right thing is one questioning oneself about what is that right thing might be before acting upon whatever one decided upon...", where looking from the distance of his work part of doing the right thing seemed to be taking a break, whereupon the goblin just asked "...so now, do you think they'll put trump on those dollar bills then...", and with that the goblin was back to being abnormal again, and besides, somehow being normal never seemed to have that mental mileage needed to sustain his straying thoughts throughout, then turning inwards sighing to himself "...so where to now my ghosts, for that journey to self beckons me still, and I would have your company and take of your council, for are we not drawn together in this endeavor here..."



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  #6098  
Old 06-13-2018, 06:16 AM
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"...at least I can write about it from the depth of my anonymity here..." replied the goblin who would try to catch his words with his pen then, adding "...yes that's me, someone who always falls back to writing about it then, meaning I don't actually live in the spur of the moment like most folks do now, no instead I reflect what I live down on paper to keep it all under wraps so to speak...", "...so would that be some sort of writer's autism there by any chance goblin..." inquired the slot out of curiosity, to which the goblin just replied "...well I'm really not sure slot, let me first write about it, then I can tell you what I thought up in response..."


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  #6099  
Old 06-14-2018, 04:43 AM
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...I'll read them presently flea, when I have steeled myself, and I'm still at a loss for words on it all old friend, do the children know?
"...yes they know but they're grownups, and if anything we're all handling the situation well..." replied the goblin thanking the chameleon while borrowing his thread to air things a bit, adding "...I think the line I am me by this seems to be something I've drummed into my young ones from an early age, and yes, there was that shock moment, then it passed, and now that the dust has settled they're focused upon themselves in face of the inevitable, and on the positive side we are more "living for the present for the present" as it were..." where this I am me by this was the line the goblin recalled from looking after his ailing mother too, adding "...this opportunity, though not exactly welcome in itself, is perhaps something that can still be very beautiful if done right, and where if it can't quite be done it right, then at least it can be done felt then, that's still beautiful though just I am me by this..."



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  #6100  
Old 06-16-2018, 09:00 PM
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Chemotherapy treatments have improved over time. There are more treatment options now when the cancer is at a more advanced stage, too. In the 1990s, the overall survival rates for stage 4 colon cancer was around 6 to 8 months. Now it's close to 30 months


"...fact or fiction one asks, perhaps both really..." repeated the goblin, adding "...naah, there's no point in one's being anonymous here if one can't be honest with oneself while at it...", where the fiction part was only in the man's reaction therein, the old man's not trying to show his emotions as ever, or perhaps in the way the goblin ever divorced himself from that old man on the outside, repeating "...it's "pT4a without" according to the doctor's then ...", and somehow martin luther king's famous words how long not long sprang to mind here, but in truth there were only ever those two states of being, those of early or late, the goblin simply enjoyed his early still, repeating "...one day at a time, no make that today alone then, just make it to the end of today to pat yourself on the back for having won that day outright, yes all our lives we've been real winners in that sense...", where life was ever just winning the unwinnable anyway, just one day at a time as it has always been, so the old man said nothing now while the goblin just did all the talking for them both, though nothing changed really, life just progressed along as must be


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  #6101  
Old Yesterday, 07:00 AM
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anna grabbed some data, part of her next fix then and thought his posting beautiful, she piped up suddenly on a crosswind of thinking ... ‘what fucks you up in life is the unspoken carried around in some invisible back pack getting heavier and more cumbersome to maneouver round the labyrinth of time remaining and the way you sort of put it is so well crafted, not clumsy at all. All I can feel is that through the storms of your reasoning the captain is truly loved - and the virtual man of Switzerland has a kind heart’ ... anna was gone again back to her real leaving two coffees and a rose from the old garden.


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  #6102  
Old Yesterday, 11:49 AM
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Ah, yes - the flea seems to be a well-reasoned individual, with a propensity for deep thinking, quite above it all, in ways, yet entirely human, too, in ways that only leak out around the edges.

As you say, anna, in a circular way, the flea brings us all to something we wish we could have said as well, and I thank him for sharing his thoughts with us. He ends up validating my humanity.

Now back to him...
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