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FBI Surveillance Van 47

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  #1  
Old 02-02-2018, 12:26 PM
sdenyer (Offline)
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Default FBI Surveillance Van 47


The corporation is conducted by council, Snake is on the chopping block. He has been given notice but he is not coming along. After another a month we can dismantle. Snake sulks in the corner at the idea of no winner and is pretending to be not there at all. The electronic waves of interference make the snake visible just for just seconds. The image flickers like a loose light bulb. The council has been collected by considerable investments having been made long ago on specific bad motivation which have been acted out, Snake is pushing for more prospects and is escalating all efforts in one direction, Abusing all rights. He is being pushed out. The conversation grow darker without conversation. Snake complicates by laying in serious nesting areas, fields of garbage. The presence as Snake is disvalued by the break up interference and his dirty eminence, the flashes or dull image are very brief and discounted as critical, A snapshot of tightly coiled white snake with markings, stamp size on a muted background, A lack lusted attempt at being there. A cheap trick no one is captivated by An unmasterful attempt of raise itself off a seemingly plain piece of paper. Could have been done with a red pencil and magic marker. Faint slightly translucent scratchings with an underlining pinkish colors, the usual indications of a oncoming infections.The whole projection giving the feeling of a hand washing needed. Grit in your eye. He has been somewhere nesting and dumping trash, to prove the thing lives. Snakes solution are not acceptable. Now he must self disbanded. Cut his head from his tail. A, the last warning. Change your ways immediately, Snake. Decide Snake. World back to the days of slavery. No Snake. Council has met. You have less than a month. This is an unacceptable situation. I am not the messenger.

Snake will put ground glass in your asshole when your not looking.



.


Last edited by sdenyer; 02-02-2018 at 12:28 PM..
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Old 02-02-2018, 12:36 PM
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I thought about this piece, reworked it, did a lot of editing. I want to write like this, it is a good example of what I can do, what do you think? Does it entertain you?
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Old 02-02-2018, 12:41 PM
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I like the word usage here, and as sparse as it is I would like to see this in verse prose. Rimbauld, read Rimbauld.

Are you Deutsch? The grammar wreaks of Deutsch, which could be useful. Let me know the answer to this question and I will critique accordingly.
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Old 02-02-2018, 12:56 PM
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Not Dutch. I am a white girl from the suburbs of New York. I am a non typical WASP. I am going to read some Rimbaud, definitely, I will do it.
They let me graduate high school because I had smart and successful friends. I write like I am not proficient in any language. Stranger than fiction.

I am just not homogenized yet.




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Last edited by sdenyer; 02-02-2018 at 01:00 PM..
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Old 02-02-2018, 12:59 PM
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Okay, I like your work, it speaks to me. And I think you would benefit from poetic prose, without trying to write poetry. Notice the near rhymes, alliteration, resonance etc. I've said this on another piece. Read Rimbauld, he did what Wordsworth, we do not speak of Coleridge's thieving ass, did for poetry.
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Old 02-02-2018, 01:05 PM
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Ok I haven't read really any poetry. I will do it, read Rimbauld. Tonight.
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Old 02-02-2018, 01:14 PM
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On second thought, the house I was raised in, up the Hudson River 25 miles from the the city was built on the grounds of an early Dutch household. I may very well have picked it up from them, the Dutch projection. The Dutch at one time saturated the area. I have been well soaked vicariously in Dutchness. i am so glad you have picked that up, I may use it.
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Old 02-02-2018, 01:39 PM
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Read George Orwells rules for writing. (Greatest advice ever!) Just a suggestion. Decide if you want to make prose or fiction. They are two different aspects
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Old 02-03-2018, 07:41 AM
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Would you look at THAT TITLE! My oh my. It's almost like-- Oh I won't say much except '47' --let's see what happens with this here. Very specific. This piece almost reads like a secret message, and what's super ironic is that it clearly states it ISN'T a warning or S.O.S. threat, as it sure does end with a threat.

Clean up your act, snakes on to you and in hiding. Great job white girl from New York, you write like a man and sorry to women, but this is a compliment as many female authors wish they could escape those girly tendencies that plague the stereotype --
Clap.Clap.

I'd call this a vignette and yes, entertaining and precise. Just a couple things mine eye doth see:


FBI Surveillance Van 47
The corporation is conducted by council, Snake is on the chopping block. He has been given notice but he is not coming along. After another a month we can dismantle. Snake sulks in the corner at the idea of no winner and is pretending to be not there at all. The electronic waves of interference make the snake visible just for just (typo) seconds. The image flickers like a loose light bulb. The council has been collected by considerable investments having been made long ago on specific bad motivation which have been acted out, Snake is pushing for more prospects and is escalating all efforts in one direction, Abusing all rights. He is being pushed out. The conversation grow darker without conversation. Snake complicates by laying in serious nesting areas, fields of garbage. The presence as Snake is disvalued by the break up interference and his dirty eminence, the flashes or dull image are very brief and discounted as critical, A snapshot of tightly coiled white snake with markings, stamp size on a muted background, A lack lusted attempt at being there. A cheap trick no one is captivated by An unmasterful attempt of raise itself off a seemingly plain piece of paper. Could have been done with a red pencil and magic marker. Faint slightly translucent scratchings with an underlining pinkish colors, the usual indications of a oncoming infections.The whole projection giving the feeling of a hand washing needed. Grit in your eye. He has been somewhere nesting and dumping trash, to prove the thing lives. Snakes solution are not acceptable. Now he must self disbanded. Cut his head from his tail. A, the last warning. Change your ways immediately, Snake. Decide Snake. World back to the days of slavery. No Snake. Council has met. You have less than a month. This is an unacceptable situation. I am not the messenger.

Snake will put ground glass in your asshole when your not looking.


----

Keep 'em coming lady You and Chat bot could do ad libs together! Because I could replace Snake with anything and it totally works super-funny. Trolls, WritersBeat, bullfrogs, nice choice on snakes.
I have this one friend who wrote a hilarious story about Oprah Winfrey and ghost snakes. Hilarious
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Old 02-03-2018, 07:43 AM
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Hard to get into this piece. As a large block of text and as a piece without context.

Several times I wondered if snake was a snake or a man or another entity all together.

There are some good visuals in it, which create a feeling of hopelessness, like something gritty from a dystopian future.
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Old 02-18-2018, 11:41 AM
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I think this piece is positively brilliant. I can't overstate how much I like it. It's one of those quick pieces with many many layers. It's kind of like watching a movie in your head. I don't think I'd change anything.
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Old 02-18-2018, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by spshane View Post
I think this piece is positively brilliant. I can't overstate how much I like it. It's one of those quick pieces with many many layers. It's kind of like watching a movie in your head. I don't think I'd change anything.

That's because it's meant for you! Bahaha. I mean, just jokess
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