this is a real poem. not all laid out. kind of the exploration i always wanna see. instead of a brainstorming tone tho, why not elaborate on just emptiness with something like this: (let me know if you like my critiques, if not i promise i'll never again; seeing as i just added you)
They reached for the plastic.
Getting as far as going's on.
If it be but paper green.
Swipe, swiping, swipe.
The lines still a-ringing busily.
Stares of income, lines of impatience.
It all begins to multiply.
When the satellite gave no clues.
Swipe, swipe, swiping away still.
Head goes, no.
Words loudly sounding.
Cash only please.
There. i think i heated it up a notch. just cause ur so good with depth. my favorite line is the last line. such an uppercut. bye, jay!
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