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Caught

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  #1  
Old 07-10-2017, 07:26 AM
KBR (Offline)
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Default Caught


no I say
softly with tears

she is drunk
walking me backwards

into a tiny trailer bedroom
saying

what should never be said

to her nephew

blue eyes
fixed on me

this is the last room

the storm is not stopping
and she is not stopping

and I am stranded

too young to drive
down a lonely dirt road

alone

for an hour she has been losing her clothes
I never wanted never dreamed never thought this

I am losing the fight
and she can't hear me

begging to stop

what I know will still happen
to me for the first time



in the morning
she can't remember

and I
trying to explain
watching tears pool
in pity blue eyes

from some distant place
I hear "not my fault"

but a darkness crawls in
to the bed with every woman after
and only God can heal the wound


Last edited by KBR; 07-11-2017 at 11:28 PM.. Reason: Nick Pierce
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Old 07-11-2017, 05:55 AM
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"but adolescent is losing"

Think it needs to be either "adolescence is losing" or "the adolescent is losing."

You're on a roll Kirk - keep em coming xx
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Old 07-11-2017, 06:44 AM
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Thank you Grace! You picked the wording that I most struggled with. I couldn't find the right word and settled with adolescent. Is there a better choice?

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
"but adolescent is losing"

Think it needs to be either "adolescence is losing" or "the adolescent is losing."

You're on a roll Kirk - keep em coming xx
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Old 07-11-2017, 03:50 PM
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2 cents worth

stain is weak
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Old 07-11-2017, 04:08 PM
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Agree. Made it stronger.

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
2 cents worth

stain is weak
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Old 07-11-2017, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by KBR View Post
no I say
softly with tears

she is drunk
walking me backwards

into a tiny trailer bedroom
saying

what should never be said

to her nephew

blue eyes
fixed on me

this is the last room

the storm is not stopping
and she is not stopping

and I am stranded

too young to drive
down a lonely dirt road

alone

for an hour she has been losing her clothes
I never wanted never dreamed never thought this

I am losing the fight
and she can't hear me

begging to stop

what I know will still happen
to me for the first time



in the morning
she can't remember

and I
trying to explain
watching tears pool
in pity blue eyes

from some distant place
I hear "not my fault"

but a darkness crawls in
to the bed with every woman after
and only God can dress the wounds


Pleas excuse my meddlin'.
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Old 07-11-2017, 11:28 PM
KBR (Offline)
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It was a good idea. Incorporated it. Thanks Nick!!

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Pleas excuse my meddlin'.
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Old 07-12-2017, 03:29 PM
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I feel the same as with ‘Goodbye Love’. When you read the last three stanzas which are a little more compressed it becomes more fluid.

It's a good narration even though it's my personal view that a change of format would be more beneficial.


xDrew
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Old 07-18-2017, 01:00 AM
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i think everyone's jealous. it's perfect. it's full 4 stars from me! great details and i love the "pity blue eyes." is blue your favorite color eyes or is this based on the truth? so nosy. what inspired it? so beautiful.
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