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self-serving

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  #1  
Old 07-09-2017, 04:31 AM
Leila (Offline)
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Default self-serving


night after night
you sit alone
with helpings of
mushy dreams

desires piled high
untended
in the sink of the soul

thoughts stale,
congealing

and no-one to see

as you tear into
chunks of emotion
served cold

raw

then you take to your bed
for the rest of the night
with fevered
imagination.

Edit: Sorry, the title should really have been 'self-service', that works better I think.


Last edited by Leila; 07-09-2017 at 10:32 AM..
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Old 07-09-2017, 10:59 AM
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Grace Gabriel (Offline)
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I love the imagery.

The length is spot on - packs a punch.

The loneliness and regret is palpable but the metaphor does all the work in an elegantly, understated way.

Nice job. x
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Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 07-09-2017 at 11:18 AM..
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Old 07-09-2017, 03:01 PM
KBR (Offline)
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I agree with Grace. I like this in particular:

then you take to your bed
for the rest of the night
with fevered
imagination.

The poem draws you in and leaves you unstated, stranded on that bed.

Great job!
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Old 07-11-2017, 04:22 AM
Leila (Offline)
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thanks for reading and commenting all. Grace I'm pleased you think the length works just right. The first 10 or so lines came out in a rush but then I really had to work at making it a bit longer!
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Old 07-12-2017, 04:09 PM
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The second and third stanza provide interesting possibilities that I don't feel you've fully explored.

Overall I feel that this is a little too sparse and that a well selected adjective or verb could really push this to another level, for example:

fevered with
------- imagination

Also, if you was to write this in the first person it would give the reader an extra layer of emotion.

Plenty of potential.


xDrew
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Old 07-13-2017, 04:43 AM
Leila (Offline)
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iDrew thanks for reading and commenting. To continue the poem's metaphor you've given me food for thought. I did actually write this in the first person to begin with, then decided to try something a bit different.
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