The second and third stanza provide interesting possibilities that I don't feel you've fully explored.
Overall I feel that this is a little too sparse and that a well selected adjective or verb could really push this to another level, for example:
Also, if you was to write this in the first person it would give the reader an extra layer of emotion.
Plenty of potential.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
the CLUELESS COLLECTIVE’S ALL NEW 20 OUT NOW
(min. system requirement: 1 working brain cell)