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Sittin Round A Fireplace (600W)

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  #1  
Old 12-06-2011, 01:34 PM
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Default Sittin Round A Fireplace (600W)


Hey everyone. I'm going to revise this story on Sunday for clarity and write more. For the moment I'm going to take it off until I look at it again to see what works better. Thank you all for your critique; WritersBeat is always my go-to for good and honest criticism.


Last edited by aland88; 12-08-2011 at 02:35 PM.. Reason: Corrected dialogue and tense.
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Old 12-06-2011, 02:41 PM
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I like this - there are one or two clumsy lines, but it has a good feel to it overall. any more?

and I didn't once mention brokeback
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Old 12-06-2011, 10:04 PM
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This is an honest question (not veiled criticism, I promise): were those overly formal descriptions meant as self-parody, a juxtaposition with the dialogue?
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Old 12-06-2011, 10:51 PM
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I appreciate the read bumhead; I wrote this directly from an experience with my father and my eight uncles, all of them alcoholics and old country boys, so there is more. I just have to write it.

Hiley, yessir and no? I just try to describe the event and have the people talk like they really would, but I'm very aware of the juxtaposition of the dialogue and the formal narration being there. I just wouldn't call it self-parody for me personally.

Thanks for the read guys.

Last edited by aland88; 12-06-2011 at 11:21 PM..
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Old 12-07-2011, 08:46 PM
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I mean, it struck me as you trying to show off your vocabulary, to be honest.
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:17 AM
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Comin and huntin should end with a ' for abbreviation: comin' and huntin'.

It didn't come over as self-parody to me, more as nostalga for lost youth.
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Old 12-08-2011, 10:40 AM
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I got tangled up and couldn't get beyond this first paragraph. I stumbled on the words "chunks" and "ooze" to describe the smoke – I don't know that something chunky can also be oozy. Chunky implies the material is solid and piece-y, while oozy gives the substance a more fluid texture. Then in the next sentence it's described as "misty" which is very light and fine...in my mind, it was difficult to reconcile all these descriptors and that kept me from diving right into the story.

Also, I was distracted by the second sentence's use of "two men" twice. This can be tightened up by maybe chopping this long sentence into a pair: "Two men sat in a rocking swing of hard mahogany by the fireplace. They sipped Budweiser and smoked as they rocked into the smoky mist."
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  #8  
Old 12-08-2011, 11:53 AM
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With chunky and oozing; I was thinking that jelly and peanut butter are both chunky things that ooze out of the jar. If we mean ooze to flow slowly.

This one looks like it's dead in the water. I'll see about revising this to get some use out of it yet. I'm partial to the story and think I know where I want to go with it.

As always, thanks for the read guys.

Last edited by aland88; 12-08-2011 at 12:33 PM..
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