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Angry: Nest of Secrets - VERSION 2 [SHORTER, 1411]

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Old 09-21-2014, 08:02 AM
Lindsey1980 (Offline)
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Default Angry: Nest of Secrets - VERSION 2 [SHORTER, 1411]

Hello all! So, this is a revised version of the Angry: Nest of Secrets prologue I posted the other day! I took the advice given to me and I hope that I applied it thoroughly! I decided to remove the first half and edit the second. The reason I cut the first half was because it didn't really connect with the second, and the second is more important. Hopefully I've fixed the errors and haven't made new ones in the process lol! Maybe someday I will use the first half, but considering the responses, I'm not sure.

Angry: Nest of Secrets

PROLOGUE: The Promise

I have fought this urge 'til I can no longer fight it anymore. I give up. But IF I actually send this to you, it will be a miracle. I've always found writing letters awkward; I know what I want to say, the in-between, but I don't know how to begin them. It was much easier when Monique was alive. I probably sent her hundreds....

Dear Ryan, you're someone my heart holds near and dear...for reasons unknown.

I often feel like life is a nest of secrets; they're all implanted, entangled, and wrapped up inside my twisted little mind as if it's a shelter for them...a place to hide. I know YOU have felt this way before. It's hard keeping them all locked away, isn't it?

Our pasts mold us into who we are-- you're more than capable of understanding that. It's safe to say you've been there, too...and that I'm not alone. Right?

Tread carefully, Ryan. I want to trust you, I truly do, but I fear if I feed you this information, you will use it against me. Believe it or not, you're a person that I crave to share friendship with...and that makes me feel so venerable...so human...two things that I'm foreign to. The world will see me as a madman, but I like to think I'm misunderstood. Hell, I might as well be one! But I hope when the time comes, you'll see my actions through a different pair of eyes.

So is it okay to tell you?

It started with a promise.

I was kidnapped by Egyptian assassins and my parents were murdered. I was raised by their clan in the Middle East called 'The Purity League', which they claimed had expanded over hundreds of years. Their mission is to rid the earth of all categories of religion, politicians, the government, special agencies-- anything and anyone with power, so the land will be theirs and only theirs.

Their leader, Amentia, had made sure they tortured me until the age of seven, to prepare me for when I would be old enough to become one of their assassins, like the other orphans in the camp. Not only were we tortured, but we were experimented on by these 'strength increasing' serums, which in most cases would cause the subject to deform terribly and even die because it was not perfected.

For some reason I lived.

Special operatives invaded the camp (I'm sure you'll learn about them a few years down the road). But The League was too great, and they took the operatives hostage. But one lone survivor found me and together we escaped. I was about seven or eight and horribly deformed from the experiments. I had the mind of an animal. My head swelled as if my brain were trying to come out of my skull, my spine was in the shape of a V, meaning I'd never walk properly, and I was growing a third arm. The surviving operative took me to the organization he worked for, 'Operation A.R.M.O.R.,' where they would try to fix me. I thought I was in good hands.

Seeing as how I would die if they didn't do something to disinfect me, the director of the organization, William Welch, decided to formulate a cure, hoping it would reverse the toxins in my blood. It did save me from dying, put my spine back in place, stopped my head from swelling, and neutralized the third arm, but my brain was severely damaged in the process. I was mindless and violent, and I possessed the strength of three men.

I was a lunatic. Still, I thought William cared about me...but he didn't; instead, the only thing that concerned him was the threat I had become. He never considered what I had been through already. He never once gave me a chance to heal...a chance at freedom! He thought he had just one option to spare humanity.

After putting me on a high dose of sleeping drugs, William left me in an abandoned building and set it on fire. 'This is for the good of everyone,' I'm sure he thought. But you can't even imagine the loneliness I felt as the flames began to scorch and consume my body. I felt unloved and unwanted. Lied to. Betrayed. Robbed of life!

However, I survived the flames, and not long after that, I was reunited with The League. They were astonished. They calmed my mind and I could finally control myself. And after seeing my strength, they decided to analyze my blood and make more for everyone. Their search for the strongest soldier was over...but he wasn't perfect. They still had reason to torture me, claiming it was because I needed more 'peparation.' I had been freed of that prison and they sent me right back to it!

Now let's skip ahead 9 years, making me an angry 17 year old man.

William found me in his daughter's room on a warm Summer night, holding her gently while she slept. William didn't recognize me at first, but I explained to him who I was, and he wasn't glad, of course.

I had so much to say to him, so much anger to unleash."You killed me when...when all I deserved was to live." I ran my fingers through her hair as tears rolled down my cheeks. She was young, probably ten years old at the most. I remember how much I wanted to strangle her and watch him mourn from the loss, but I kept my composure. "Do you know what I deserve now? Do you know what I NEED?!" I looked down at the sleeping face of his little girl and clenched my jaws in anger. "REVENGE, William! And I'll start with your daughter."

"...If you harm my child," he threatened, but it had no gain.

"You can't stop me, William. You know you can't."

I stood and he knew that I was right.

"She will burn the same way I burned. But the fire will be more intense! Hotter! More painful than you can imagine!"

"Please! I'll do anything! Don't hurt her!"

I smiled; I'd heard the very thing I wanted to hear.


"Yes! I will even die for her, if that's what you want! Just let my baby-girl live! Please!"

"There was this game we would play at the prison, William. They would take us outside in the searing weather. The sand was so hot...but not as hot as the flames you set to devour my flesh. The objective was to locate a gem somewhere hidden in the sand-field. To complicate the game, they'd blindfold us and have someone with a bullwhip thrashing our back side every 3 seconds. We would all be on our hands and knees, crawling around in our underwear trying to find that stupid rock. Whoever found the damn thing would receive a day off-- a day without beatings and a meal only the scholars or supervisors got to enjoy. We would have a whole 8 hours to search and every 15 minutes someone would refill our canisters with water, surprisingly generous. But you want to know the funny part? Our leader, who came up with the fricking idea, had the gem in his pocket the whole time!
...I've played that game for 9 years straight, William...."

"Just tell me what you want. I'll do everything in my power to give it to you."

I laid his daughter back on her bed, careful not to wake her.

"The only person who ever won that game was the host. Do you know what his prize was, William?"

"No, I don't."

"Really? You must be stupid, then. The answer is quite simple: amusement. I want amusement, William. I want my own game!"

"Do whatever the Hell you want. Just leave my family alone."

"I won't harm her. But she's a player in my game...and so are you. That's a promise I vow to keep."

I stroked her head, laughing under my breath.

"Lay one more finger on her, and I'll kill you."

"I won't take her life, William...and I'm a man of my word...only on one condition."


"Make her marry me when she is of the age."

That was how it all started...how my rage and hatred was conceived. It was avoidable but he allowed me to suffer.

Ryan, please, I bid you one thing above all else....

Don't take advantage of this rare piece of information.

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Old 09-21-2014, 10:24 AM
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max crash (Offline)
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much better flow, I think you getting a grip on it.

but I didn't see where the letter ended. and yet somehow you got into dialogue.
I'm also gong to say that things that are acceptable in a letter because it is more or less a quote are not as acceptable in narration.
and I'm not exactly sure where the letter ends and where the narration begins. but you most likely wouldn't put dialogue in a letter.

it's my assumption that somewhere before let's skip ahead 9 years is where the letter ends, please these two parts need to be separated in some way -- the tearing up of the letter worked well in the first version

keep writing

I'm watching

if you're writing over your readers head - tum etiam, ut graece scribens --- the secret of success changes;the truth of failure remains constant; if you try to please everyone you will fail.

Last edited by max crash; 09-21-2014 at 11:26 AM..
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Old 09-21-2014, 10:52 AM
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Better flow. Here's my quick impression of the story.

I would start the letter with just Dear Ryan. None of the other verbiage. It's more powerful IMO. In fact, I would start the prologue with it, skip the writer thinking to himself. People don't really think like that to themselves.

It reads like it will be almost a super villain vs super hero story. If so, you can get away with a little overly dramatic language, but the characters need more humanity IMO. There was more in the original letter. This is a father writing to his son. No matter who these people have become, a father will still be a father. Tenderness. Vulnerability. Love, even if it is strained.

If williams daughter is 10ish, she is too big to hold. She would probably also have woken up, unless she'd been drugged.

'So the land will be theirs and only theirs' --- seems like they should have a loftier goal. Not so selfish. Makes it hard to have any feeling for them.

Is this the whole prologue?

I'd like to see some of the first chapter.
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