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Goodbye Love

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  #1  
Old 07-11-2017, 08:17 AM
KBR (Offline)
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Default Goodbye Love


bound to the rhythm
looking down at my face
climbing that mountain

her tears are raining into me
full of never hold back
welling

she stiffens
a sob of heartache and release
gripping with all our strength

we collapse

ragged breath slows
and she lays her head down

chestnut brown surrounds me
the sweet smell of her

wishing she would stay
but all her things are by the door

and I am swallowed up in loss
praying she cannot let me go


Last edited by KBR; 07-11-2017 at 03:35 PM..
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  #2  
Old 07-11-2017, 12:55 PM
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Grace Gabriel (Offline)
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Kirk, one line spoils this for me :

"holding my face."

...'m not going to elaborate.

Think it through in terms of logistics and what her position is communicating. x
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Old 07-11-2017, 03:34 PM
KBR (Offline)
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I will fix it. No need to elaborate.
Thanks Grace!

Kirk
Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Kirk, one line spoils this for me :

"holding my face."

...'m not going to elaborate.

Think it through in terms of logistics and what her position is communicating. x
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Old 07-12-2017, 03:18 PM
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You know I'm gonna moan at yer about how many lines in yer stanzas. Horses for courses my friend. Personally I don't feel that when you write an emotional piece this style is a suitable vehicle.

Do you need the last stanza?

I think there's a little way to go yet but all the ingredients are there.


xDrew
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