You know I'm gonna moan at yer about how many lines in yer stanzas. Horses for courses my friend. Personally I don't feel that when you write an emotional piece this style is a suitable vehicle.
Do you need the last stanza?
I think there's a little way to go yet but all the ingredients are there.
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the CLUELESS COLLECTIVE’S ALL NEW 20 OUT NOW
(min. system requirement: 1 working brain cell)