WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


Excerpt From "Scanner Drama"

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 05-14-2014, 12:58 PM
ericjohn's Avatar
ericjohn (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 371
Thanks: 242
Thanks 58
Send a message via ICQ to ericjohn Send a message via Yahoo to ericjohn
Default Excerpt From "Scanner Drama"


I have been working on this story on and off since January 30 2004. It has been a LONG time, but I am still NOT satisfied. Feel free to critique...

Grant and Adrianna were then put into a deep predicament, they knew the police were probably coming and their getaway ride was totaled.

Grant said "I don't want you to go down with me, Adrianna. Please get out of here while you still can."

Adrianna shook her head and told him "No, I will stand by you. You are a noble hero and you saved us."

Grant said "Damn it we need to get out of here.” He took his flashlight and scanner, then removed the vehicle plate from his Jeep. He then said “I can hide in the culvert outside of the park. Bruce fled the scene and won’t know where I am. The other three are dead.” The sky began to turn blue. Grant said “You need to get out of here Adriana. Is your house far from the park?”

She replied “My friend’s house isn’t.”

Grant replied “Good go there and see if she can take you to yours.”

She replied, kissing and hugging him passionately “All right Grant. If we don’t see each other again, know that I love you!" Grant crawled into the culvert and Adriana left. Not long after, Adriana made it to her friend’s house and then called Grant. He picked up.

Adriana said “My friend is driving me to my house and I will get the family car and pick you up. I will then get you to safety."

Grant replied and then said “Thank you so much Adriana, and, just so you know; I love you too." They hung up. Minutes seemed to pass like hours. Finally, Adriana came in her family car and picked Grant up. He stepped in the car just a the lightning flashed.
Grant lied down in the backseat and Adriana said “Where too Mister?"

Grant replied “To your arms." He paused, then continued "I took the plate off my vehicle, so I don’t think they will be able to figure out it’s mine. Therefore, we can go to my house, you know just in case they see your plate. With that, they rushed to Grant’s house and arrived just as the rain had begun to fall it's hardest.

Adriana asked “What will they do when they find it it’s your car?”

Grant then said pointing to his scanner “That’s where this wonderful device comes in.” He turned it on.

Chatter came in on the scanner "Melody 911 to Melody EMS; we have a report of three medical emergencies in the municipal park. Several males were involved in a 103-F. PD is already en route. Stand by for further traffic..."

"Dispatch to Officer Nick..."

"Go ahead..."

What is your 10-20 and ETA?"

"Melody Expressway and 2 minutes..."

"Roll Code 3.”

"10-4." Officer Nick turned on his lights and sirens and gunned his car, however the road was very wet and he lost control. His car fishtailed off the road and crashed into the pillars of an overpass.

He keyed into the radio which was picked up on Grant's scanner "My unit has crashed, please send backup to Melody Expressway at Exit...My unit is on fire it just burst into flames..."

And the scanner went silent.

Then the Dispatcher came in on the scanner and said "Dispatch to Officer Nick." No response was heard. She tried again "Dispatch to Officer Nick." There was another silence.

Grant said "As messed up as this may sound, I think we have bought us some time." They drove in the rain to Grant's parent's house. As soon as they stepped out, the were soaking wet. Quickly, they entered the house they locked the doors. It was somewhat chilly in that house, so Grant took off his wet shirt. Adrianna threw her arms around him, as he was cold and wet. Grant was overcome by the feeling of Adriana's gentle arms wrapped around his wet skin. He kissed her wildly. They fell onto the sofa and snuggled together. Adriana lay there with Grant up against her.

The radio crackled in. "Dispatch, it turns out that a subject named Grant West was the assailant. I believe he is the son of Mark West in port security. I am on my way to search his house. He is probably hiding out there."

"Affirmative Jack. I'll also notify the chief. Thinking quickly Grant removed the battery from his phone, to disable the GPS so he would not be tracked.

The dispatcher direct connected to Chief Harold on the Nextel, and told him of the events.

Immediately Chief Harold direct connected "Mark are you there?"

Mark was sitting down in the cabin with Elaine when he heard Chief Harold calling in. He answered back on his Nextel "I'm here Chief. What's up?"

Harold replied "I am so sorry to disturb your vacation, but your son has become a wanted criminal."

Mark replied "Oh God, what could he have done?"

Harold replied "He was in a fight with four other male subjects at the park, and has fatally injured one of them We have an APB out on him at the moment, but we think he is hiding out at your house. I am so sorry Mark."

Mark replied "I'll be there as soon as I can." Elaine walked out the bathroom and saw the look of distress in her husband's face.

"What's the matter?" She asked.

Mark replied "We have to get home immediately. Grant is in trouble with the law. I'll explain to you in the car."

Meanwhile back at home Grant was in distress over what he had just heard over the radio. He said, "Did you hear that Adriana? We have to get out of here now. Are you ready to leave?" Grant asked.

"Yes let's do this thing baby!" She answered him and laughed a little. Grant went into his room and grabbed his Multi-Tool, along with his scanner and flashlight.

He explained to Adrianna "I didn't want to get caught with this at school, but I don't think we will be in school for a while." Ever so quietly they crept out of the house silently shutting the door behind them. Quietly they walked down the steps of the porch, then to Adriana’s family car. Adriana drove Grant to her house and they walked into her bedroom. They stayed in there until her parents came.

The weather had now cleared out and Grant said “I know how I can get away from the police. I will sneak out of the country but I will have to leave you here. I want to spare you this drama."

Adriana began to sob and said “No, I want to come with you. I don't care about any of this drama." She paused and then asked Grant "How will you be able to get out of the country?"

Grant replied "That's easy. All I have to do is get on a supply boat that is headed towards Archangel Island. There is one that is leaving tomorrow morning in fact." Adriana then asked "How do you know it will let you on?"

Grant answered "I work in the maritime supply industry and have connections."

Adriana smiled and then said "Well I wish I could board the boat with you."

Grant asked "Do you really want to be with me that much?"

Adriana nodded.

Grant then said "I could possibly have them take you as well. But you will have to defect. The only problem is you are not yet 18."

Adriana replied "But I will 18 be in a few days."

Grant reluctantly agreed and then said "All right; are you ready?"

Adriana smiled and then said "Yes. I am ready." Immediately she packed and then they left. They walked to Grant's workplace under the cover of darkness holding hands and shivering.

__________________
"The ability to provoke emotions is a wonderful gift."

Last edited by ericjohn; 05-14-2014 at 01:08 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-15-2014, 01:36 AM
SarahJames (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 17
Thanks: 2
Thanks 7
Default

What you have is good.
My personal preference, too much conversation. Perhaps you could "show" more and "tell" less.
I realize the conversation is important in this part of the story, but to me it reads like this:
Grant said,
Adrianna said,
Grant said,
Adrianna said,
Etc, etc.
I would find a way to show a bit more emotion and if possible, show some of the conversation without using dialect. Body language is important during a conversation.

I hope this helps,
Sarah
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to SarahJames For This Useful Post:
ericjohn (05-15-2014)
  #3  
Old 05-15-2014, 06:17 AM
ericjohn's Avatar
ericjohn (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 371
Thanks: 242
Thanks 58
Send a message via ICQ to ericjohn Send a message via Yahoo to ericjohn
Default

Thank you Sarah, for pointing that out.

I didn't think of the emotion part.

I will TRY my best to correct and enhance that when I get the chance.

I have trouble writing without saying he said, she said. I guess one day I will overcome that. I just try to make it clear, but I guess I overkill it. Just not comfortable coming up with an alternative just yet.

I know it might sound wrong but I would like my work to be easy to read.
__________________
"The ability to provoke emotions is a wonderful gift."
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-15-2014, 06:51 AM
SarahJames (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 17
Thanks: 2
Thanks 7
Default

Just as an example:
"Grant then said I could possibly have them take you as well. But you will have to defect. The only problem is you are not yet 18."

Could change to this:
"I could possibly have them take you as well," Grant said. "But, you will have to defect." He slowly rubbed his chin. "The only problem is you are not yet eighteen."

'He slowly rubbed his chin' shows Grant was thinking/pondering the idea of taking her. The idea is to show what you would do when thinking, are mad, are happy, etc. One way to learn this is to watch people. People watching can be hilarious, but not the stalker type.lol
When you order at a restaurant, watch the expressions on the waiter/waitresses or cashiers face, just for example.
Also, when a character is speaking, always type out numbers. 18 should be eighteen. When you speak, you say eighteen.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to SarahJames For This Useful Post:
ericjohn (05-17-2014)
  #5  
Old 05-15-2014, 06:17 PM
crochetlady99's Avatar
crochetlady99 (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 100
Thanks: 29
Thanks 25
Default

I think this is a good story. I used to have a major obstacle in dialogue, so here is something I picked up. Here is the example:

Instead of: He said "Sorry, I didn't see you there."
You could say: "Sorry, I didn't see you there," he said.

When I realized this, it made a whole world of difference! But in the end, your writing is your writing, and the best part about being a writer is the ability to write whatever you want. And one more tip of grammar: wherever your dialogue tags are (such as 'he said'), make sure to place a comma to separate the dialogue and its tag.
Overall, I really love the suspense and the romance. I also love what I call the free realm; meaning the characters are people who are free and go all over the place (geographically). Good work!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to crochetlady99 For This Useful Post:
ericjohn (05-17-2014)
  #6  
Old 05-17-2014, 02:43 AM
ericjohn's Avatar
ericjohn (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 371
Thanks: 242
Thanks 58
Send a message via ICQ to ericjohn Send a message via Yahoo to ericjohn
Default

Originally Posted by SarahJames View Post
Just as an example:
"Grant then said I could possibly have them take you as well. But you will have to defect. The only problem is you are not yet 18."

Could change to this:
"I could possibly have them take you as well," Grant said. "But, you will have to defect." He slowly rubbed his chin. "The only problem is you are not yet eighteen."

'He slowly rubbed his chin' shows Grant was thinking/pondering the idea of taking her. The idea is to show what you would do when thinking, are mad, are happy, etc. One way to learn this is to watch people. People watching can be hilarious, but not the stalker type.lol
When you order at a restaurant, watch the expressions on the waiter/waitresses or cashiers face, just for example.
Also, when a character is speaking, always type out numbers. 18 should be eighteen. When you speak, you say eighteen.
Thank you for pointing out the body language aspect, I guess I can try that. Kudos to you for that tip.

I always wondered if I was supposed to write numbers as numerals or as words, I guess I frequently used numerals, because I am trying to get all of my thoughts typed as quickly as I can before they escape my mind. From now on I will type my numbers as words as much as I can remember, so thank you for that tip as well.

You have been quite helpful.
__________________
"The ability to provoke emotions is a wonderful gift."
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-17-2014, 02:51 AM
ericjohn's Avatar
ericjohn (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 371
Thanks: 242
Thanks 58
Send a message via ICQ to ericjohn Send a message via Yahoo to ericjohn
Default

Originally Posted by crochetlady99 View Post
I think this is a good story. I used to have a major obstacle in dialogue, so here is something I picked up. Here is the example:

Instead of: He said "Sorry, I didn't see you there."
You could say: "Sorry, I didn't see you there," he said.

When I realized this, it made a whole world of difference! But in the end, your writing is your writing, and the best part about being a writer is the ability to write whatever you want. And one more tip of grammar: wherever your dialogue tags are (such as 'he said'), make sure to place a comma to separate the dialogue and its tag.
Overall, I really love the suspense and the romance. I also love what I call the free realm; meaning the characters are people who are free and go all over the place (geographically). Good work!
I see it is easier and sounds better to put the tag at the end of the spoken statement than before. Cool, I will correct that.

What I like best about being a writer other than provoking other's emotions and getting mine into words is that, basically, anything goes. If one is writing fiction, the contents work does not have to follow any law of science, nature or legal (man made.) It goes as far as one's imagination can take him/her.
__________________
"The ability to provoke emotions is a wonderful gift."

Last edited by ericjohn; 05-17-2014 at 03:07 AM..
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:24 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.