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Dinner Time

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Old 06-25-2011, 11:08 AM
Cityboy (Offline)
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This one has been rewritten. It probably could use a few more revisions, but it might still be suitable for an audience. Here goes--hope it's worth reading.

Dinner Time

After lifting the lid to check on the stew, Janice glanced over her shoulder at the man sitting at her table and with a radiant smile on her pretty face said, "It's almost ready, Adam. I hope you're not a vegetarian."

The man was pouring himself a glass of wine when he glanced across the kitchen at the shapely brunette wearing a skimpy skirt and tight-fitting sweater. "Vegetarian, hell no. I'm a crapetarian," he laughed.

"A what?" Janice said, no longer smiling.

As Adam wrapped his fingers around the bowl of the wine glass, Adam locked eyes with his date. "A crapetarian," he said, as he raised the glass off the red- and white-checkered tablecloth, "is somebody who eats a lot of crap . . . like cake, donuts, candy, pretzels, potato chips. All the good stuff." Then with his lips he touched the brim of the glass.

Looking like someone who could use a drink of wine herself, the bewildered Janice stepped away from the stove to sit directly across from Adam. Fidgety, in her chair, she watched him sip his wine until he removed the glass from his mouth and placed it on the table again. She then questioned him about his unusual eating habit, eager to know more. With her hands folded on the table, she stared straight at him and said sarcastically, "Well, when it's time for you to eat real food, what kind of food do you eat.?"

Amused by the question, Adam grinned and began tapping the side of his wine glass with one finger, "I don't eat meat, but I do eat a lot of fish."

"No meat at all?" She said, her tone serious.

Adam brushed a lock of his long blond hair away from his eyes. "I haven't eaten meat ever since I dreamed about that pig two years ago," he said, raising the glass toward his mouth once again.

"Dream? That pig?" Janice wondered, examining the face of the man she met only last week at the local supermarket. It was Adam who approached her as she pushed her shopping cart up an aisle. The tall and handsome Adam immediately charmed the leggy brunette, who smitten by his charisma invited him to her home for dinner. Now, a week after their meeting, she sat across the table from him wondering whether she acted too hastily.

Adam sensed that she might be having second thoughts about having invited him for dinner, and an urgency to explain himself thouroughly gripped him. In an attempt to satisfy her and try to win her favor again, he immediately began describing the dream in detail.

"Well," he started yapping, "I dreamt that I was standing next to three men who were trying to push this black pig through the door of a slaughterhouse. The pig knew their intentions and understood that once they got it into the slaughterhouse it was a goner, so it began putting up a fierce struggle to keep the men from forcing it through the door. But the poor was waging a losing battle, and it knew it. So, in a last ditch effort to save itself, the pig, trembling in fear, turned towards me to let out this terrifying squeal."

"Did you help it?" Janice asked, leaping from the chair and hurrying to the stove to check on the pot again.

"That poor pig; I'll never forget the horror I saw in its eyes, and before I could move an inch to help it, the men had already gotten it inside the death house. After they all disappeared, the next thing I remember was that my eyes popped open and I was lying on my back, staring at the lone lightbulb in the ceiling fixture."

"Wow, that was an incredible dream," Janice said, as she first lowered the flame on the stove and then removed the lid from the pot. Immediately, the aroma of fresh garlic, the scent of basil and chives, and the flavor of peas, corn, carrots, and potatoes swept across the tiny kitchen--the tantalizing smells escaping from the pot an indication dinner was about ready.

As she reached for a couple of plates in a cabinet above the stove, Janice giggled, "So, the dream about the pig is the reason why you don't eat meat."

"Yep, I promised myself to never eat meat again after watching that terrified pig," Adam said, his eyes feasting on Janice's backside as she now opened the cabinet drawer to get the silverware.

Still giggling, Janice brought the dinner plates and the silverware to the table and gently placed them down. Then she walked over to Adam, took his hands in hers, and pulled him out of his chair into a cuddling embrace. With her arms tightly around his waist, she drew his body against hers and buried her face into his shoulder, all the while snuggling yet even closer. Then slowly lifting her chin, she turned her head to softly kiss his cheek before whispering into his ear, "I made ham stew for dinner tonight. Am I eating alone?"


Last edited by Cityboy; 06-25-2011 at 05:21 PM..
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Old 06-25-2011, 12:03 PM
JennieRose8 (Offline)
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lol, the end made me chuckle. There are some things you could change and in particular, cut back on the description of the characters. It's not really that important to the point of the story, and I think most readers are turned off by sickeningly gorgeous characters. lol

Also, you'll want to lose the phrase, "All of a sudden," and just go right into the description of the aromas. Going right in makes it feel sudden, instead of simply saying it was sudden.

I can comment more later, but in all, this is clever.

Jen
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:50 PM
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Very clever. Very very clever. This is sort of like an immature joke you'd tell into a classmate's ear all grown up. It's got a touch of childishness but still makes you want to read more.

That being said, your grammar needs some work. The first word after a quotation that still involves the speaker needs to be lower-cased. You said "that pig" and I'm pretty sure you meant "what pig". Also, you are missing some commas. Example being "with his lips[comma], he..."

All in all, though, good flash fiction. You kept me attentive and I didn't stop reading once the first time. Good job.
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Old 06-26-2011, 07:19 AM
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Cut back on the descriptions.
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