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Two World

 
 
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  #1  
Old 04-18-2014, 02:12 PM
CandyCane (Offline)
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Please may I be ninja-ed



I wish I knew how to approach a woman of her power and position. Even the way she walks – her perfect posture -- shows her royal lineage. Tarina is beautiful, the long flowing chestnut hair, that matches her eyes in perfect harmony. The pale skin that catches the light so it almost glitters in the sun. I must do my job carefully. Veridon is relying on her. If I fail – if she does not return. Everything will be lost. If only the warmth did not burn in my stomach at the sight of her, if the swell of her breasts – No, stop. She is already promised to another. I am not worthy.





Before the stranger had appeared, walking home from work was my favourite time of day. Those fifteen minutes where nobody wanted anything, or needed me to wash sick out of their hair. I daydreamed about a life of my own. Yet again, there he was, the dark-haired man that seemed always in my shadow. He leaned against a garden wall, his dark eyes boring into me. There was only one way to find the cause of it, to ask what he wanted. I checked for cars and started to step into the road. He stood up straighter. His height and muscular stature was more intimidating than I realised. To confront him alone was likely a bad idea; I stepped back onto the path and almost ran the last few meters home.

Safe inside my house, I closed the door behind me and tiptoed into the kitchen. I could just see mum’s body laid on the sofa through the crack of the door. I flicked the button on the kettle and waited.

“Is that you, Tarina?” Mum called. Her voice slurred.

“Yes, Mum. Do you want a coffee?” I don’t know why I asked. I already knew the answer.

“Don’t be stupid, love. It’s gone six.” She giggled. “Bring me that Vodka on the side.”

I glanced around the room, and beside the sink sat a half-empty bottle of the clear liquid. Doing my best to be as quiet as possible, I unscrewed the cap, pouring all but a large shot into the sink. I coughed, and then faked a sneeze to hide the sound of splashing.

I paused at the living room door, and sighed. I didn’t see my Mum; she was dirty and looked twice her fifty years. Her make up appeared to have been applied using a garden trowel. This wasn’t the woman I remembered from childhood. The greying hair, which once would have shone with glory, now hung limp and dirty around her shoulders, and her skin in folds from constant weight loss and gain. Once she smiled, played, and joked, now she gorged, she drank, then hated herself and dieted for weeks, living on alcohol alone. Her skin had taken a pasty colour, dry and cracked with an ever-growing yellow tint.

  #2  
Old 04-21-2014, 10:48 AM
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Fixes in red, comments in purple!

I wish I knew how to approach a woman of her power and position. Even the way she walks – her perfect posture -- shows her royal lineage. Tarina is beautiful, the [with] long flowing chestnut hair, [no comma] that matches her eyes in perfect harmony. The [Her] pale skin that catches the light so it almost glitters in the sun. I must do my job carefully. Veridon is relying on her. If I fail – if she does not return. [No need to split this sentence from the one after it. Connect them with a second em-dash, like so: "If I fail – if she does not return – everything will be lost."] Everything will be lost. If only the warmth did not burn in my stomach at the sight of her, if [of] the swell of her breasts – No, stop. She is already promised to another. I am not worthy.





Before the stranger had appeared [Instead of "had appeared" I would say "had started following me" because that makes it clearer that this has been happening for a while], walking home from work was my favourite time of day.

Those fifteen minutes where nobody wanted anything, or needed me to wash sick out of their hair. I daydreamed about a life of my own. [Try combining these two sentences so that they flow better: "During those fifteen precious minutes, when nobody wanted anything or needed me to wash sick out of their hair, I would daydream about a life of my own."]

Yet again, there he was, the dark-haired man that seemed always in my shadow. [Today] he leaned against a garden wall, his dark eyes boring into me. There was only one way to find the cause of it, [Replace comma with colon] to [I had to] ask what he wanted. I checked for cars and started to step into the road. He stood up straighter. His height and muscular stature was more intimidating than I [had] realised. To confront him alone was likely a bad idea; I stepped back onto the path and almost ran the last few meters home.


Safe inside my house, I closed the door behind me and tiptoed into the kitchen. I could just see [my] mum’s body laid [lying, because this is a variation of the verb "to lie". "Laid" is the past tense of "to lay" which means "to set something down."] on the sofa through the crack of the door. I flicked the button on the kettle and waited.

“Is that you, Tarina?” Mum called. Her voice slurred.

“Yes, Mum. Do you want a coffee?” I don’t know why I asked. I already knew the answer.

“Don’t be stupid, love. It’s gone six.” She giggled. “Bring me that Vodka [Lowercase, since "vodka" is not a proper noun] on the side.”

I glanced around the room , and [B]eside the sink sat a half-empty bottle of the clear liquid. Doing my best to be as quiet as possible, I unscrewed the cap, pouring [and poured] all but a large shot into the sink. I coughed, and then faked a sneeze to hide the sound of splashing.

I paused at the living room door, [no comma] and sighed. I didn’t see my Mum ["mum" would be lowercase in this instance, because it's not acting as a proper noun. When she's addressing her mother, it would be uppercase, because then it's functioning as a name. So--"my mother" versus "Hi, Mother."] ; she was dirty and looked twice her fifty years. [This was a little confusing at first: you said "I didn't see my mum" and then you say "she looked twice her fifty years" -- so clearly the narrator does see her. I think you're trying to say that this woman doesn't look like the narrator remembers her mother looking, right? Rephrase to reflect that. Maybe "I couldn't see my mother inside this woman" or something similar.]

Her make up appeared to have been applied using a garden trowel. This wasn’t the woman I remembered from childhood. The greying hair, which once would have shone with glory, now hung limp and dirty around her shoulders, and her skin [fell] in folds from constant weight loss and gain. Once she smiled, played, and joked, [comma splice; change to semicolon] now she gorged, she drank, then hated herself and dieted for weeks, living on alcohol alone.

Her skin had taken [on] a pasty colour, dry and cracked with an ever-growing yellow tint. [Rework this sentence a bit so that you're referencing the color all at once. I'd do it something like this: "Her skin was dry and cracked, and was taking on a pasty yellow colour."]


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Last edited by Night Wanderer; 04-21-2014 at 10:56 AM..
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  #3  
Old 04-21-2014, 02:26 PM
CandyCane (Offline)
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Thank you very much Night!

Very grateful.

*runs off to edit for the 550th time*
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